Adapting The Dream
by Authors Tune
Summary: They created the dream together and they moved towards it.  And then it fell apart.  If having a baby together is everything they want, how far will they each go to achieve it?  And at what cost?
1. Chapter 1

**AN: So, firstly – I know this storyline has been done before. And done well. :-) Then why am I reinventing the wheel? Excellent question. I was craving writing a long fic; something that had a bit of everything and this concept wouldn't leave me alone. My muse is fickle that way; it takes hold of something and then refuses to allow anything else in. Frustratingly annoying. **

**Secondly, I'm actually writing this well ahead of what I'm posting (woohoo, I'm not generally good with that). So, I've got something like 13 000 words written, which is probably about three chapters, and I intend to keep ahead of my posts by multiple chapters. It is nice to have goals isn't it? Ha ha. Just kidding, I do promise to post regularly. **

**And thirdly (and lastly, you'll be pleased to know) it starts off with a truckload of angst. And the angst will continue to pop in and out, amongst hopefully, a mix of humour, drama, character development, a moving storyline…you get the picture. **

**It's rated M for a reason. There will be sexual references and relevant sex scenes as the fic progresses. I won't warn in individual chapters; don't read unless you're interested in that kind of thing. **

**Long Author's Note really. Sorry about that. My ability to ramble is quite annoying! **

**Cheers, Author's Tune.**

**XXXX**

Arizona Robbins, a paediatric surgeon, award recipient, committed wife and loving mother; sat helplessly in the hard plastic waiting room chair staring constantly at the bickering staff behind the administration counter. She thought maybe if she was unrelenting in her presence, then the impersonal and frustratingly incompetent staff would get annoyed and let her into recovery to simply rid themselves of her. But they didn't. They bitched, they gossiped, they even smirked at each other when various nurses came for paperwork; they left phones unanswered and they ignored the clearly anxious family members hanging on their every movement.

She couldn't believe she was back in this waiting room, the same horrific pale blue walls staring back at her. Just six months previous, she had been forced to sit, feet tapping constantly as she waited for Callie to be out of surgery. It might have been a short, uncomplicated and routine surgery, but it was still a surgery. And she knew what she would find when she was finally permitted to be in there with her, the same tearful face she could barely bring herself to look at and the trembling hand she would force herself to hold securely, when all she wanted was for someone to hold her own. But there wasn't anyone there with her six months ago, and there certainly wasn't anyone sitting next to her now.

For the first time, she wished she were the one in the operating room. She couldn't stand by and watch her wife disintegrate, only to be built back up and destroyed all over again. When they had decided, almost a year ago that they would have another child; one together, there was never need to consider who would carry the baby. It was always Callie, the one who basked in her pregnancy hormones and who excitedly clapped her hands when Arizona had whispered into her ear in the middle of the night.

_I want us to have another baby._

Arizona could still hear the ecstatic squeal and the very passionate sex Callie had initiated in response. She thought it would make them happy; she didn't for a moment consider that it would fail. Maybe she should have thought about it, pre-empted the worse case scenario. Why couldn't they have a happy ending for once? Was it really that naïve of them to believe that they could just make a decision and have it work out?

And for their pregnancy to fail twice; there were hardly a crueller fate. They had been so cautious this time, so much so, that they were probably over negative. Trying to prepare themselves for the potential loss, the one they knew from just a few months earlier was a possibility yet still, believing deep down that lightning couldn't strike twice. Even as accomplished Doctors, they held the one thing that kept patients coming back for more and more devastating treatments and surgeries. Hope. A tiny smidgen of blind hope.

Clenching her fists and shaking her head, Arizona rolled her feet a few times before opening her palms and pushing the armrests to stand. She strode to the counter, holding her hands behind her back. "I just wanted to check on Calliope Torres," she said, forcing the dissent out of her voice. "Doctor Calliope Torres," she added when she received an amused look from the staff.

"I'll phone in," one of them eventually responded when Arizona failed to move away, just continuing to stare at them expectantly. "It was a routine procedure, there's nothing to be concerned about."

They had made a choice to keep this pregnancy quiet but it also meant that they weren't seeing a specialist at their hospital. Instead, they were across town at a day surgery centre, where no one knew them and basic communication skills were clearly absent. The Obstetrician was incredible though, nationally acclaimed and the person who had worked with them through their assisted reproduction process. Arizona had no concerns for the surgery itself. What she didn't want was Callie lying by herself after surgery, staring at the ceiling with a million self-deprecating thoughts rushing around her head.

"I'll wait here, whilst you check," Arizona stated.

Surprised eyes glanced back at her. "You can take a seat Miss," one muttered, flicking through the papers on her desk. "Umm, Miss Robbins."

Arizona sighed heavily, although she despised people who used their status in an attempt at special treatment, she had just about had enough of the imbeciles she had the misfortune of staring at for almost two hours. "Dr Robbins…Arizona is fine. And if it's all the same to you, I'll just wait here until you get back."

Again, three sets of eyes focussed on her intently, a silent battle of wills. Arizona squinted and shrugged; people often underestimated her stubbornness. "Of course, I'll be back in a moment."

Arizona almost smiled, just a slight twitch of her lips. "Thank you, I appreciate that."

Minutes passed and she didn't move; the remaining staff behind the desk sitting silently, sharing only an occasional glance with each other. It was awkward but necessary; if she went back to her seat she would be quickly forgotten. It was difficult knowing both sides, patient and hospital employee, she couldn't just idly wait around knowing how mundane this procedure was to the people behind the scenes. Which is fine, for the staff; in fact she probably had the same approach to an appendectomy. Although she hoped that she had more respect for the parents of the children that came under her knife, even the simple cases. Routine or not, it was still a loved one unconscious and being cut or scraped apart; it tugged at the invisible strings that knotted people together.

"Dr Robbins, you can come through, she's just out of surgery now." Arizona drew in a sharp breath; 'she' had a name. Her partner, their patient, had a name.

"Thank you," she replied instead of using the voice that rang in her mind, desperate to call this nurse on her impersonal error.

Arizona was led through a few corridors, vaguely familiar from their previous visit, until she reached a small area that held six or eight beds with curtains drawn around. She was directed to one of the bays at the edge, quietly drawing the curtain and confirming it was Callie before she slipped inside, securing the material behind her. Callie lay on her back, eyes closed and head leaning to the side, her mouth slightly ajar as she drew in slow breaths. Arizona stood at her side, lowering the rail and reaching to push some hair out of Callie's eyes and behind her ear. "Hey," she said softly when Callie blinked wildly before her heavy lids dropped, still under the influence of remnants of the anaesthetic agents that had been used to sedate her.

"Arizona?" Callie questioned, her voice hoarse and tone low, the word being drawled out.

"Just rest," Arizona answered quietly, sitting down next to her and holding her hand against the bed. She leant forward and pressed a slow kiss to Callie's knuckles, her head thumping and stomach heavy. "You'll wake up soon enough," she added, inaudible to anyone but herself.

They had seen so many family members over the years, sitting by beds, waiting desperately for their loved one to wake up. And Arizona had been forced into the role a few times too often, the days that she sat by her after the car accident, pleading and begging for her to wake up. And then this; waiting for Callie to rouse from another anaesthetic, fighting against the drugs that would quickly work their way out of her system.

"Arizona?" Callie asked again, just a few minutes later, the haze still draped over her mind. "Am I done?"

Arizona nodded, drawing herself to sit upright, her free hand gripped around Callie's arm, stroking at the skin on the inside of her elbow. "You're all done."

"Okay." She lapsed into silence again, closing her eyes for a few long seconds before opening them again, eyes darting around the room until they would fall briefly on Arizona and she would relax again. The pattern repeated itself, the seconds ticking by. Eventually, Callie's eyelids stayed open a little longer and she was able to focus on her wife.

"Do you feel nauseous? Any pain?" Arizona asked softly, watching Callie wince as she moved herself slightly on the hard mattress, the trolley squeaking, metal grating.

"No," Callie answered, eyes starting to stay open, the dark brown irises dull and clouded. "I'm alright."

"Good," Arizona stated, forcing a smile on her lips. "I'm so glad I'm in here, you should have seen the bitches behind the desk – you thought our work was bad with the politics. At least everyone can be nice to patients and families, even if they want to kill each other. This place though, it's insane. I couldn't sit out there for another minute so I had a bit of a standoff with the staff." She was talking for the sake of talking, filling in time, distracting Callie or herself. She wasn't sure. They didn't need silence right now though.

"Standoff?" Callie politely asked, although she cared little for the story. The sound of Arizona's soothing voice, she did want to hear.

"Yep. I stood in front of the desk, used the whole 'Doctor' strategy and wouldn't move until they checked on you and let me in. Seriously, there are people that have been sitting out there for hours. One guy said his wife was just having a skin lesion removed and he's still waiting."

"Thanks. It's no fun waking up to no one."

Arizona smiled. "I hate waiting out there, it's awful. I'm not at all patient."

"No, you're not," Callie agreed a little too quickly, earning a soft chuckle from Arizona.

The curtain was drawn open, suddenly interrupting them as their Doctor strode confidently in. He was a tall man with hair that was a bright blond with pale, almost transparent skin. His eyes were a phenomenal blue and he had mastered the art of eye contact, speaking easily with his patients. "How are you doing Callie?"

"Fine thank you," she responded, smiling. The words and sentiment a stark contrast from the expletives she would have liked to have uttered.

"Everything went as expected, there were no complications or surprises. You took some effort to get under this time, so you might find yourself a little drowsy for a while. We gave you some extra Midaz in the end."

Callie shrugged and Arizona appeared unfazed. It wasn't significant and most patients wouldn't even be told, but he knew of their circumstances and professions well. Most medical professionals wanted the extra detail, comparing it to their experiences and knowledge, and this way it saved them trying to read through the chart for the surgery report at the first opportunity.

"But again, all went well. As you know curettes can cause some scarring but really, your cervix and uterus looks pretty good."

"Okay, so still no obvious reason?" Arizona asked softly.

He shook his head slowly, "I can send the tissue to the labs for testing if you like. I think that's reasonable given the circumstances and consecutive miscarriage. But you both know as well as I do, sometimes this just happens without a definitive cause and particularly given the circumstances."

"What do you want to do, Callie? Do you want check?"

Callie shrugged, eyes darting from the sheets to the curtain and over the ceiling. "The surgery, the trauma from the accident. Could it just be that?"

"As we've talked about, it's a possibility but there's nothing obvious, no clear reason for why you couldn't carry another child to term."

"How about I just send it off for some basic assessments and I'll have the results if you want them in the future. I'll be ready for you when you feel up to trying again. But I really stress, there's no rush. Talk about, give yourself some time, I'll have an appointment ready for you when you decide."

He left them then, giving a slight smile as he turned and left, taking Callie's chart with him for updating. Straightening her fingers, Callie tried to slip her hand out of Arizona's grip but she held on silently. "I can't do this again," Callie stated strongly, a thick lump in her throat.

"We can talk properly later, Calliope."

"No. I don't want to do this again; I don't want to go through this. Lying here – I just can't do it okay?"

Arizona nodded slowly, "Okay. Whatever you need perfectly okay." Returning her face to Callie's fingers, she turned her head until her cheek came to rest against their joined hands. Blinking furiously to halt the tears, Arizona drew in slow and deliberate breaths, distractedly kissing her wife's thumb whenever thoughts started to rush away with her.

They remained that way until a nurse ushered Arizona out, ready to get Callie up and dressed before they moved her to the post operative seated area. Arizona slipped obediently away, headed knowingly towards the waiting room again, although remaining in the hallway just inside the entrance. She withdrew a phone from her jeans pocket, dropping her handbag to the floor and leaning back against the wall. She scrolled through her contacts list, pressing at the screen and holding it up to ear, eyes downcast as it rang. Going directly to message bank, she stumbled over her words, clearly emotional. "Hey Teddy, it's just me. Call if you get a chance, I'm just waiting for Callie at the hospital; ummm…she's just had to have another D and C. Crap hey? Talk to you soon."

Teddy had been the one saving grace for Arizona when Callie had miscarried the first time. The simple text messages and occasional coffee; just enough of a supportive outlet for Arizona to keep up the stable strength that she perceived she needed to uphold for Callie. Both Arizona and Teddy were incredibly similar, their friendship an interesting dynamic. They tended to miss significant chunks of each others' lives, and when they eventually had a meal in the hospital cafeteria or a drink at Joe's, they could hardly believe they hadn't actually got around to sharing the current news. Still, the simplest phone call or helpless look across the Attending's Lounge and they would quickly rush to provide whatever was needed.

Feeling her phone vibrate in her hand, Arizona quickly answered after a glance at the screen showed it was Teddy calling. "Hello," Arizona answered.

"Hey Arizona, I just got your message. My phone was ringing but I was in the middle of having Yang rant and rave at me. Sorry."

"Oh it's fine, really. I figured you would be in surgery or something."

"No, not at the moment. Do you need something? I can come over and wait with you, it would just take me a few minutes to sort out my list or I clear your surgeries for tomorrow. Do you need me to get anything for the apartment? Some food?" Teddy paused to exhale. "Sorry, slowing down. How's Callie? How are you doing?"

"Oh you know, fine I guess. It's not like we haven't done this before."

"Like that makes it any easier."

"Yeah, I guess. It's just…really really crap. Callie's, well, Callie's refusing to do it again. She said she's done."

"Probably not the time to be discussing things with her though, Arizona. You both need some time."

Arizona sighed and nodded, witnessed only by the plain walls. "I know. I just; I hate this so much."

"Not a lot to like about it," Teddy validated. "Can I do anything? What do you need?"

"I don't know," Arizona admitted. "Take my place?" she suggested sarcastically, releasing a nervous laugh. "Maybe just sort my surgeries for a couple of days; I had Callie's schedule cleared but I didn't…I just said Callie needed some time off."

"Consider it done, Arizona. Not a problem. And hey, you're not being all superhero like are you? Callie doesn't need that."

"Yeah yeah," Arizona muttered. "Thanks."

"You'll let me know how things are going? We'll meet for coffee in a couple of days?"

"Yep," she replied softly, her voice hesitant and distinctly cracking.

Teddy waited patiently, briefly hoping that Arizona might elaborate, share some the emotion she was containing. "Just call any time and tell Callie I'm thinking of you both. Things just don't make sense sometimes; life can be unfair," she added when only the sound of shallow breathing met her ear.

"Yep," Arizona repeated, feeling a tear escape and track slowly down her cheek. "I'll talk to you soon," she added quietly, wiping hastily at her face and drawing the phone away from her ear, she terminated the call.

She didn't notice the nurse in pale green scrubs motion to her from down the hall and continue walking towards her when Arizona went oblivious to her presence. "You're Arizona?"

Arizona startled, jumping slightly and raising her hand to her chest, the phone pressed against her shirt. "Sorry, yes. Is Callie out?"

The woman nodded quickly and smiled. "I can take you through," she said gently, the first person to demonstrate any form of empathy all day. "If you're ready?" she asked, taking in the tear-filled eyes on the blond.

"Of course," Arizona answered, blinking quickly to clear her vision, bending to grab her bag and following quietly. "Thank you."

Callie was sitting in a recliner to the side of a large, almost empty room, just a few other patients in similar positions. She had a tray wheeled over her lap, an orange juice and unopened sandwich pack in front of her. "Sandwiches, seriously? Why do they always give sandwiches?" The brunette muttered, her hair tied back in a loose ponytail with strands falling chaotically across her eyes and shadowing her jaw.

Arizona smiled, rubbing her hand over Callie's thigh as she sat on a vinyl chair next to her. "They have to see you eat after the anaesthetic, you know that. Just eat half and have the juice, try not to vomit and that'll keep them happy."

"Blech. You said that last time."

A swell of sadness crossed both of their faces, though they pushed it quickly away. "And was I right?"

"I suppose so," Callie nodded, watching Arizona open the plastic container and hand half to her.

"Did they give you any pain relief or are they waiting for you to eat?"

"They said they would give me ibuprofen after this, but I'm feeling okay, just some cramps." She bit into the sandwich, screwing her nose up at the stale, lettuce and tomato filled bread. Looking up at Arizona, she chewed and swallowed, resting her head back against the chair. "I bled quite a lot, after. But it seems to have slowed; we have to come back if it gets too heavy."

Arizona nodded slowly, focussing on keeping her hand moving rhythmically over Callie's leg. "Did they want to keep you in overnight?"

"Nah, not that I would anyway. But no, not necessary; it's not like we can't manage at home."

"You'll tell me, if it's worse?" Arizona asked hesitantly and Callie gave her a confused look.

"Of course. Why? I'm hardly shy, Arizona."

She wasn't quite sure how to explain herself, how to portray that she was concerned that they had taken one too many chances, that their lives were teetering on the edge of a spectacular disaster. That she didn't know how to manage this stoic Callie; that she could barely wait to get home, just so they could curl up in bed. She would lay behind Callie, hold her tightly and cry into her back. She would carefully hide her grief, the tears silent as Callie sobbed, holding her hands in a vice like grip. "I just worry about you, that's all. You've had so much surgery, trauma."

It was different last time; Callie had been barely able to open her mouth without tears welling. She had needed Arizona to lead her to the car and their apartment, she had used Arizona's arms to hold her upright in the elevator, stumbling to their bed and barely moving for almost two days. Arizona had done everything for her, a glass of water regularly held to her lips and small bite sized pieces of fruit slipped into her mouth each time she woke.

Callie shook her head strongly, reaching out to press an index finger to Arizona's lips. "Shhh, medically I'm fine. It's all okay."

"I phoned Teddy," Arizona said quickly, changing the focus before her mind ran away with her. "She's going to have my surgeries cleared, covered I guess, for a few days. Yours should be done, but I'm sure she'll check."

"Good," Callie nodded. "I want you home with me."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah, of course." Again, Callie looked quizzically at Arizona; there was something uncharacteristic about her hesitance and lack of confidence. "How about you eat some of this and we can leave sooner?" Maybe they were just out of their comfort zone, hating being on the receiving end of medical care.

Arizona offered a small smile, dimples barely showing. "You know I hate those more than you. Just have a few more bites and drink the juice."

They continued to chat quietly as Callie reluctantly force-fed herself, making easy small talk about work and Sofia. Arizona had been in contact with Mark and Callie had sent a text message earlier in the day, he would pick up Sofia after work for the next few days, keeping her at his apartment if they needed the space or happily bringing her back if they preferred. She was just over three now and a bundle of inquisitive energy; everything was an exciting adventure. She adored running around a park or building dolls houses out of boxes, and she would happily sit for an hour in the evening, listening to Arizona or Callie read her books. She loved learning new words, pointing at the pictures and declaring the term in English and Spanish; and her sentence construction was impressive, she was always anxiously waiting for anyone to listen to her stories. She hadn't quite mastered choosing the right language for her audience yet and occasionally would start gesturing and talking, needing a little nudge to switch to English. And she was incredibly perceptive, possibly too much so for a child; knowing exactly when her parents had suffered through a horrific shift or were trying not to argue in front of her.

Callie had always been keen for a big family, multiple children at least and she had patiently waited for Arizona to be ready to add to their family. Arizona had slowly adapted to the idea, and like everything with her, it was making the decision that was difficult – the process leading up to it. When she did, all she could think about was another mini-version of Callie and Sofia, her beautiful Latina girls. And Callie loved being pregnant and she was excited to experience a pregnancy that was just about the two of them. They had even talked about attending birthing classes, determined that their baby's birth wouldn't be as sudden, traumatic and premature as Sofia's. But they never got that far and the idea of pregnancy was suddenly frightening, a concept that brought fear and loss. It wasn't what pregnancy should be.

"Right, so, I've eaten and kept it down. I don't want to be here any longer than I have to be."

"Good call, is your nurse around?"

Callie nodded, holding her hand up and signalling across the room and received a quick response. "Just wondering if I'm right to go?"

"Yes, if you're feeling okay. I just need to go over the post-op care procedures and give you an info sheet on recovering from an anaesthetic and you'll be right to go."

Callie scowled, shooting Arizona a disgusted look who jumped in to prevent a resentful outburst. "We're good, really. Thank you. We've been through this before and we're both Surgeons, we work over at Seattle Grace Mercy West, so we're up on all the aftercare and things to watch out for. We have a follow up appointment in a couple of weeks and any problems we'll phone or see someone at work."

The nurse blushed heavily; she was the same one from earlier who had treated Arizona with respect and kindness. "I'm sorry, I understand how frustrating it is. How about I get to tick my box and you can throw the information in the trashcan on your way out – and we're all happy? I won't bore you with my usual spiel."

"That will be perfect," Arizona rushed to answer, standing and wheeling the meal tray away from Callie. The nurse gave them both a smile and disappeared for a few minutes, returning with a small yellow envelope. "Thank you," Arizona offered, taking the material and putting it into her handbag.

"The thing about being medical is that we all think about healing in terms of procedures, scars, that kind of thing. Don't forget it's not all medical, that's all; maybe one of the other sheets I put in there would be worth a read. If you feel like it."

Callie leant forward quickly, pushing herself on to her feet and standing. Arizona passed a grateful smile towards the nurse and nodded, focussed on taking one of Callie's hands and resting her other on the small of her back. "Good? Not lightheaded?"

"I'm fine, let's go."

They left quickly, weaving their way towards the exit and to the outside world. Arizona kept a secure arm wrapped around Callie's waist, her fingers holding on to the brunette's hip. Callie slowed only when they reached fresh air, relaxing into Arizona and allowing her to guide her the short distance to their car. They stopped at the passenger side, opening the door and tossing their bags to the floor. Arizona reached inside and bundled a few items from the where Callie had sat that morning, their appointment time and letter, a handful of tissues and a small box of mints, and threw them over the centre console, hearing them land haphazardly on the back seats.

As she stood back, holding the door and waiting, Callie turned and took two steps towards her, arms by her side as she pressed her face into the nape of her wife's neck. She felt Arizona envelope her tightly, holding her securely for a long few seconds. "I'll take you home," she whispered.

Callie made no movement to detach, her body tired and heavy, though she nodded, her forehead moving slightly against Arizona's skin.

Arizona drew back, holding a palm to Callie's cheek and looking intently in her eyes. "Home," she repeated, grateful when Callie obliged, sliding into the seat and allowing Arizona to close the door, unable to halt the tears she had managed to keep hidden all day.

Carefully, Arizona drove back across the city with one hand on the wheel and one available for Callie to clutch. She focussed intently on the road, driving below the speed limit and stopping for every changing light; trying desperately to hold it together through the sound of the grief in the seat next to her.

**TBC…**


	2. Chapter 2

**AN: Thank you everyone for your kind reviews and story/author alerts. I very much appreciate it and it aids my motivation! :-) I am also still a couple of parts ahead, hence the quick update. I'm hoping it continues! **

**To those that mentioned the angst/sadness (librarynerd, Slyone41, chawkchik, devotedfan), it continues…but I assure all that it won't be forever. Or perhaps I should say 'it won't be every part'. :-)**

**Funkyshaz – as always, love your reviews. You're awesome. I'll make up for the angst in other ways as things progress, I promise! Thanks for reading even though it's not your favourite genre! **

**And to the others, thanks again. I hope you continue to enjoy.**

**On to…**

**(PS...sorry about the editing...silly upload dramas. Should be fixed)**

**Part 2.**

Home was not surprisingly, exactly how they left it; Sofia's half dressed dolls scattered in the corner of the lounge room, their hair in messy plaits and ties. A few rogue balls were littered throughout the apartment, a blue one under the coffee table and a bright green one next to the one potted plant they had managed to keep alive. Breakfast dishes were still in the sink and milk splatters on the bench top. Nothing remarkable, nothing changed.

They barely spoke as they entered their building and padded through the apartment, both seemingly lost in their own thoughts. Callie was elsewhere entirely, her mind slowed with a post anaesthetic haze and tiredness, each notion that crept into her consciousness distant and unprocessed. Arizona was constantly managing a barrage of feelings and thoughts, jumping from one practicality to the next; too many of them to actually prioritise the essential from the unnecessary.

Indicating towards their bedroom and releasing Arizona's hand as she stepped over some building blocks, Callie said, "Shower."

Arizona just nodded and smiled, waiting until she heard the toilet flush and shower start running before working her way through cleaning the kitchen and living areas. Stopping wasn't an option, so she quickly went from one mess to the next. Her processing focussed solely on Callie, as she mentally ticked through boxes in her mind. She knew she had left a fresh bottle of water on Callie's bedside table, a box of paracetamol and ibuprofen next to it along with a few of their favourite dark chocolate truffles. She had placed some sanitary napkins on the bathroom cabinet, a fresh washcloth and Callie's favourite soap in the shower. A jolting thought had sent Arizona into their wardrobe during the early hours of her sleepless night, to withdraw the scans they had, the ones that at seven weeks had shown a normal embryonic development and foetal heartbeat. She had placed them in Sofia's built in closet, behind two boxes of old college textbooks on the top shelf, where Callie hadn't looked for years.

On their bed lay two sets of clothes, some loose sweats and an old t-shirt as well as a freshly washed matching pyjama top and pants so that Callie could choose whichever she felt most comfortable in. She emerged eventually from the bathroom, hair damp against her neck and dressed in the patterned pyjamas. Arizona was standing in the kitchen, not an item out of place as she glanced around, waiting impatiently for the kettle to boil. "Coffee? Tea?" she asked, two white mugs on the bench in front of her.

"Oh Coffee please, I think I'm in withdrawals; you should have given me some in my IV."

"No coffee until the afternoon for both of us; must be a first."

Callie walked over slowly and slid on to one of the stools across from Arizona, leaning forward on her elbows. "You haven't eaten either; at least I had that crappy sandwich. You must be starving Arizona."

Arizona shrugged and shook her head. "Not really. I can make something though, what do you feel like?"

"Hmmm…would it be bad if my answer was pizza followed by chocolate?"

"Would it be bad if I entirely agreed?" They smiled sheepishly at each other and Arizona reached across to squeeze Callie's arm briefly, grabbing the cordless phone as she made the coffees. She ordered pizza to be delivered and slid Callie's mug across to her, leaning against the counter and sipping her own, eyes closing in a prolonged blink. "That's good," she murmured. "Can I get you anything? Heat pack? Neck rub?"

Callie shook her head quickly. "How about some trashy television?"

"Absolutely – there has to be a talk show on or reruns at least."

"Oh…yes. Reruns of Oprah."

"Really? Oprah seriously makes me cry," Arizona declared, though her voice was light.

Callie chuckled, cringing as she slid off the chair and walked over to the sofa, lowering herself onto the soft cushions. She flicked at buttons on the remote, scanning the guide for something appealing. "I swear you have a weird weakness for those triumph over tragedy stories, gets you every time."

"I can't argue with that; you've seen me read some of those autobiographies."

Nodding, Callie placed her coffee on the table in front of them, pushing lightly at Arizona's shoulder when she sat down next to her. "Not so tough all the time hey?" she teased and Arizona forced herself to smile and roll her eyes. She held her cup to her lips, pouring the warm liquid into her mouth and swallowing, forcing the persistent lump in her throat smaller. "Oooo, Ellen. It's this or a documentary on beach erosion," Callie declared.

"This is good," she answered, pulling a throw cushion from behind her and placing it over her legs. She patted at it and glanced at Callie, asking, "Want to lie down until the pizza arrives?"

Nodding eagerly, Callie pulled her legs up and shuffled along, resting in the familiar position on her side, her head settled in Arizona's lap. She loved the soothing feel of Arizona's fingers running almost automatically through her hair, one hand lightly stroking over her forehead and the other at the base of her skull and through the loose strands around her neck. She dozed lightly, allowing Arizona to lull her to sleep whilst the television played softly in the background.

The position was one of their favourites on the infrequent evenings that had off work together. They would alternate their positions and could talk for hours lying there half watching something inconsequential. Other times it was a pose that would signal the start of passionate love making, a hand that would gently rub under an arm and across breasts, whilst fingers danced up a spreading thigh. Alternatively, it was occasionally a safe spot to divulge into a flood of tears, curling up and burying as strong arms soothed and protected.

At that moment, it was a quiet reprieve from the chaotic two days they had experienced. For the moment, the appointments and viability scans were behind them, news integrated and the outcome known. There were no more surprises and there was something comforting about being home, in their own space. That was until a knock sounded heavily at their door, both of them physically jumping at the sudden intrusion on their comfortable silence.

"The pizza, I almost forgot," Arizona murmured, sliding herself out from underneath Callie and padding quickly to the door. "Sorry," she uttered, her eyes casting over an impatient young delivery driver. "I'll just get you some cash."

The pubescent boy nodded wordlessly, removing the pizza box from the heat bag with the receipt lying on top. "Thirteen, ten," he stated when Arizona held her purse open and stared at him questioningly.

"Here, there's fifteen. Keep the change, thanks." She closed the door behind him and crossed to the kitchen, grabbing two plates and balancing them on top of the box. "He was a communicative young man," she said, smiling.

"The art of speech tends to be lost on high school boys. If I'm remembering correctly they tend to converse in a hybrid of grunts and curse words." Callie had drawn herself to sit on the sofa, legs stretched out in front of her and resting on the coffee table, her head leaning back against the couch.

"Delightful," Arizona commented, placing the pizza next to Callie's feet. "Drink?"

"Ah…I don't know what I feel like. Do we have any soda?"

"Yep, there's lemonade in the fridge."

"Thanks," Callie said nodding, already having opened the box and placed a slice on a plate for each of them.

Arizona put their glasses down and sat heavily, emulating Callie's position with the plate on her lap. "Good?" she asked, watching Callie inhale a few bites.

She earned an eager nod in response, licking her lips and spreading tomato paste across her chin. "So good," she answered, chewing quickly and swallowing before reaching for another piece.

"I never would have guessed," Arizona teased.

Callie grinned and for the first time, it seemed to carry over her face with the muscles contracting to show off her high cheekbones and tiny lines creasing around her eyes. It's so tough, when you lose someone or something important; you can become incredibly weighed down yet there's parts that are still resilient in the face of trauma. The little aspects that carry on as a reminder that below the constant ache, there still lays a person, who was there before. That person can feel small and non-existent for days, weeks, months, years. But they're still there. Callie was still there.

**XXXX**

Standing to the edge of the kitchen, Arizona surveyed her cleaning efforts. Everything appeared to be in place and cleaned, in fact, it was probably far cleaner than it ever was. She stilled for a moment, hearing the bathroom faucet running and picking up her phone to quickly send a few messages and check her emails. She had a text from Teddy, just reminding Arizona of her availability. _Your __schedule __is __sorted __until __Monday. __I__'__m __free __when __you __are._

Mark had retained his focus, as he always did on the practicalities. _Sofia __sleeping. __Look __after __Callie __hey, __let __me __know __if __you __need __anything._

She responded quickly to Mark, a simple short message thanking him and to give a big hug and kiss to Sofia in the morning; she knew Callie had texted him a couple of times through the day. Fumbling for a while though, she tried to construct a message to Teddy, typing and then deleting, shaking her head in frustration. There was a fine line between being completely open and pretending, Teddy could see straight through the latter. She eventually settled on a simple _thank __you._ Almost as an afterthought before sending she added, _misplaced __the __cape, __can __I __borrow __yours?_

Teddy texted back almost instantly, _absolutely, __when __you __meet __me __for __coffee, __it__'__s __all __yours._

She smiled sadly and pocketed her phone, double-checking that she still had the phone on silence despite Teddy's message having clearly vibrated. Her emails contained nothing vital and could wait until morning. She moved quietly into their bedroom and sat motionless on the side of the bed, holding one of Callie's favourite t-shirts to get changed into.

Callie emerged from the bathroom, her skin now freshly washed and void of make-up, was pale and her eyes starting to look tired and sunken. "Okay?" Arizona asked.

Callie nodded slowly, raking her fingernails gently over Arizona's arm as she walked around to her side of the bed. "Okay," she confirmed.

"Can I ask if your bleeding and everything is still alright?"

"Yeah, it's fine. Bit sore but that's normal."

"Need a heat pack for bed?"

Callie shook her head. "Just you."

"I'm your heat pack?"

"Well, just as good. Better with the hugs actually."

Smiling, Arizona stood and stepped into the entrance of the bathroom, keeping her expression light as she met Callie's eyes and gently pushed the door closed, the latch slipping into place. She immediately let her forehead drop to the doorframe, pushing her open palms to press against the plaster either side of her head. She drew in slow and controlled breaths, inhaling to fill her lungs completely before pursing her lips and releasing the air. After a minute she relaxed her body and stepped back, avoiding looking in the mirror as she went about her end of the day rituals.

By the time she stepped back into the now dimly lit room, she was breathing evenly. Callie watched her walk to the bed, drawing the covers down for her slip in and waiting patiently for Arizona to settle. "That's my shirt," she whispered in false irritation.

"But it's my favourite," Arizona countered quickly, tugging at the loose material with her fingertips. She lay down and faced Callie, uncomfortably meeting her eyes and struggling to read her expression. "I thought you wanted hugs?"

Callie nodded but reached a hand up to softly trail over Arizona's arm, shoulder and neck until it came to rest on her cheek. "You look sad, Arizona," she said tenderly.

The blonde's eyes fell downward, blinking quickly. "I am sad," she agreed. "We're sad."

"Yeah, we're sad." Callie kept her palm in place, her thumb making the smallest of movements as she leant forward and let her lips press against Arizona's. They both kept their mouths stationary, soft lips lightly touching, eyes closed. Callie shuddered first, almost a minute later, with a barely audible whimper. Arizona responded quickly, ending the kiss by gently sucking at Callie's lower lip briefly. She held a hand to the back of Callie's head, entangling her hands in the thick brown hair and guiding the scrunched up face to her chest. "Sorry," Callie murmured, her voice muffled. "I'm sorry this happened again."

Arizona shook her head, though Callie could barely feel the movement. "Don't please. Don't apologise to me, Calliope." The words were expressed in a rush of choked air and she clenched her teeth hard to stop her own body from shuddering with her rush of tears that spilled on to her pillow. "It's not your fault," she added a few minutes later, hands now trailing comfortingly over Callie's arms and back, her body still trembling beneath the tight embrace. "It's never been your fault. I promise."

**XXXX**

Sunlight has a way of infiltrating, even when the world seems dark and insurmountable. The sun rises out of spite, usually with a crystal clear blue sky that wouldn't be out of place on a postcard. The kind of blue sky that meets white sandy beaches and coral filled shores; where dolphins should be frolicking through gentle, rolling waves. Just another indication that time doesn't stand still, even though we want it to.

Arizona woke first, eyes blinking against the harsh light. Her sleep had been fitful, to say the least, waking easily with every movement Callie unconsciously made where she lay in her arms. After a seemingly unrelenting flood of emotion, Callie had eventually turned, pressing her back firmly against Arizona and fell asleep with a tight grip on the blonde's arm that wrapped around her waist.

Staying firmly in position, Arizona immediately started her internal checklist for the day. She had ensured there were breakfast options stocked; depending on what Callie wanted to eat. Bacon and eggs in the fridge, cold juice, milk and yogurt, even muesli if by some miracle Callie was craving it. And of course coffee, the percolator ready and waiting for the numerous caffeine hits they would desire. There were also the ingredients for pancakes in the pantry and a Canadian maple syrup that was deliciously thick.

She figured she would leave the apartment at some point today, pick up some tabloid magazines and the daily newspapers for them. Callie would probably want a few of her things from her work locker, she had hastily left two days ago without grabbing anything more than the necessities. She had just finished a short, easy surgery; pinning a displaced tibial fracture when she had noticed a small amount of dark blood on the paper when she used the bathroom. She had sobbed on the spot, curled forward on the toilet with her face buried in her hands. Grabbing her phone and handbag, she had simply walked out, phoning Arizona as she exited the front doors of the hospital, a tearful half explanation all that was needed.

They had tried to be prepared for, yet not expect, the pregnancy to fail. Nothing prepared them for any of it. The sadness in the radiographer's eyes as she searched for an unfindable heartbeat, as a patient, Callie had almost felt guilty for ruining her day. The Doctor that squeezed her into his emergency surgery list, he probably missed lunch because of it.

And the look in Arizona's eye as she stared at the ultrasound monitor; the tear that tracked down her cheek before the radiographer even uttered a word. Both times. Callie would never forget that look; like she was reading something that would break both of them. The same look she got before she gave the death message at work, told some unsuspecting parents that their world had just imploded.

So she would leave Callie at home, curled up napping in front of a movie or perhaps with Mark and Sofia visiting if he wasn't at work. Run a few errands and be home after an hour or two. It was just an excuse really, a reason to meet up with Teddy for a quick coffee. Then she would come home, make small talk with her wife; check on her, hold her, do anything that was needed or wanted. The night would be more of the same. There was something about the darkness and star scattered sky that brought down defences that were firmly in place during the day. Serious conversations were usually held in the middle of the night; honesty bared, the truth raw. Sunlight brought facades and pretences, a performance for the world.

A groan emanated from the immobilised body in Arizona's arms, a grunt of sorts. Some uncoordinated movement, knees bending and feet kicking back, tangling themselves with the limbs behind, quickly followed. "Good Morning," Arizona said with a hushed tone, moving Callie's hair from her neck to press a kiss behind her ear.

"It's bright." The reply was muffled through the duck down pillow Callie had pressed her face into.

"Because it's morning."

"Too chirpy."

Arizona lowered her mouth again, kissing lightly along the edge of Callie's shoulder. "Do you want to think about what you want for breakfast?" she asked eventually, patiently awaiting Callie's predictable distaste for morning to wear off.

"You cooking?"

"Of course. Anything you like."

"Anything?"

"Anything."

"There's so many possibilities, are we having breakfast in bed?"

Arizona tightened her arm around Callie, inhaling the smell of her coconut shampoo. "Definitely, we can stay in bed all day if you like."

"Pity that option is never available when we have a kicking sex drive and well, not having had yesterday happen," Callie said matter-of-factly.

Nodding into her shoulder, Arizona sighed quietly. "You're right. We should actually make those changes to our work-life balance that we're always talking about. And HR rants on about as well."

"Speaking of, did you get that new fatigue policy sent around last week? Absolute trash, that place wouldn't run if we all had a minimum of ten hours between shifts."

"Yeah, I liked that. Especially the part about having to have a ten hour break after being called in, no one would ever get off the waiting list for elective surgeries. Just more useless crap from management."

They talked easily for a few minutes, on a roll about the incompetence of management and the impractical relevance of all the red tape, policies and procedures they had to pretend to adhere to. Although they at times differed in their views of treating a patient with Arizona far more conservative when it came to rushing in with a scalpel, generally their views and opinions of the hospital and profession were very similar. Callie loved the big surgeries, the chances she grabbed with both hands, to cement herself as a miracle worker. Any opportunity to publish articles that gained her recognition as someone who really thought outside the box. Arizona was a much quieter achiever, though her competence could never be questioned and to her colleagues, she was infallible in the operating room, the big cases made her nervous. She considered ethics and the human being behind the organ; surgery was usually grey to her, when others saw only black and white.

"So, about that breakfast offer…" Callie eventually led the conversation back to Arizona's original question.

"Mmmm, decided?"

"How about strawberries and yogurt as a first course, and maybe a little bacon and eggs as well?" she asked coyly.

"Can't decide, hey?" Arizona teased, again, closing her eyes at the smell of Callie's hair, filling her nostrils.

Callie nodded. "So I figure a little of both is the way to go. You did say you were happy to do anything."

"Yep. I'm on to it. You stay here or do whatever you need to do. Just give me a few minutes in the bathroom and then you'll be able to tell by the delicious smell coming from the kitchen when I'm close to done."

"Thank you," Callie responded, grabbing Arizona's hand wrapped around her and squeezing it tightly. She released it after a few seconds and Arizona slipped off the bed, rubbing at her arm that had been generally in the same position for hours. She disappeared into the bathroom, undressing quickly and stepping into the shower. She ducked her messy curls under the water, grabbing Callie's shampoo and letting the comforting scent take her momentarily away.

"_It's coconut flavoured."_

"_It's not coconut flavoured, Calliope. It's coconut infused."_

"_Coconut goes on cakes. Or in curries. Not on bodies."_

"_It's freakin' forty dollar shampoo and conditioner, can you at least try it. The smell is divine."_

"_Really? Divine? Fine, let me smell it then, Arizona."_

"_How about you let me wash your hair and then we both win."_

"_And by wash hair, you mean…"_

"_Calliope, is everything a euphemism to you? I'll do your hair and then, there's the coconut body wash to try. And you'll need to be clean, you know, if your hair is."_

"_There's a few parts of me that need some extra special attention. They're very dirty."_

"_Then I better get started…"_

Arizona found she was so easily transported back in time with just the sound of a song, or a distinct taste, smell. Her mind would wander without her control and she would find herself smiling strangely in supermarket lines or laughing in the middle of a formal dinner. And the smell filling the shower was no exception, so quickly she could hear Callie's moans as her mind pictured fingers kneaded at her scalp. How Callie had heavily leant back into her, wet hair pressing against Arizona's face as her fingers glided over the Latina's breasts and dipped into her sex, sliding smoothly over her clitoris. She had climaxed loudly and the act had been the beginning of their more committed relationship. Days of going home for a few nights were gone; they consulted each other before making plans, and dinners were always made for two. Something changed that day and it had little to do with the shower sex or the luxury bathroom products. But it was the association, the smell that assaulted her senses and made her body involuntarily tingle, her face relax and dimples appear with a wide smile.

Life had been amazing. Content.

As quickly as the dissociation began and it was gone. The reality that they were again facing another tragedy, yet another mountain to climb, tumbled back to Arizona. She hastily turned the shower off and stepped out. The real world was just outside the door.

**XXXX**

Clouds had rolled in by late afternoon and now a soft drizzle was coating Seattle. It wasn't quite heavy enough to warrant an umbrella but the dampness covered the sleeves and shoulders of Arizona's jacket. Her hair had curled more with the heavy air, which she just messily tucked behind her ears. Pushing at the glass door to the café, Arizona scanned the tables; hand carved wooden benches that held every aspiring writer in the city. There were almost more laptops and empty coffee mugs than there were patrons.

In a corner at the back of the room, Teddy sat quietly, flicking absentmindedly through her phone. She had been sitting in a vacated office, cursing at a computer as she inputted data to yet another spread sheet the Chief was demanding, when Arizona's text message had come through. She had finally received a valid excuse to escape the hospital and the monthly report.

Arizona spotted her first, weaving her way through and smiling when Teddy caught sight of her out of her peripheral vision. "Hey," Teddy said first, standing up and quickly hugging Arizona when she approached the table.

Giving an awkward laugh, Arizona returned the embrace. "Hey, I hope I didn't drag you away from anything important."

"God no," Teddy answered, sliding back into the bench seat as her friend copied her across the table. "Your timing is impeccable. And I took the liberty of ordering you a coffee, and cake," she added, pointing at the waitress heading towards their table.

Arizona grinned. "You read my mind."

"Chocolate or Banana? Take your pick."

"Hmmm, how about half and half?" Arizona asked, fork already poised in the air with the plates between them.

Teddy took a long sip of her latte, licking her lips before nodding. "Works for me. So, tell me how things are going."

Arizona exhaled heavily, shaking her head slightly and casting her eyes towards her forehead. "So crap."

"How's Callie doing?" Depending on Arizona's mood, her thoughts either tumbled out chaotically, edged with frustration and anger or she needed the information to be slowly elicited, simple questions that drew the story out of her.

"Okay, I suppose. Upset but not inconsolable, so yeah, definitely okay. Surgery went fine, so that's good."

"You didn't get a chance to explain on the phone, how far along?"

Arizona sighed. "Ten and a half, almost eleven weeks. Same as last time, intrauterine demise."

"Blech," Teddy said, shaking her head. "Do they know why?"

"Nah, they've sent the products off to the labs, maybe that'll tell us something. I don't know. We made it two more weeks this time, suppose that should be worth…I don't know."

"It sucks." Her words ineloquent yet strangely appropriate, Teddy took a few bites of the banana cake.

Arizona did the same, mouthfuls off the fork with one hand and the other tipping the mug until her lips lay on the rim. Setting the items back on the table, Arizona stared at Teddy, breathing slowly but heavy. "She's going to want me to have a baby. To try to have a baby."

"Oh, has Callie said that?"

"No."

"Right, so you would be running a million miles ahead?"

"She will, I know her. She's not just going to give up but she can't do this again and I can't watch her do this again."

"You've got to slow down Arizona. Really really slow down."

"What do I say when she asks? How do I respond?"

"Try…hey Callie, love of my life. We need to slow down, deal with this first. Yeah?"

"She was the one that was so desperate for more children, she loved being pregnant. God, she wanted to actually deliver a baby, to do everything she missed out on last time. And what? I'm the only other option? I'm the most unlikely pregnant woman ever."

Teddy reached across the table, sliding her hand over Arizona's wrist. "Stop," she instructed, squeezing.

Arizona dropped her head on to Teddy's knuckles, similar to her action with Callie the day before, when she lay recovering from her anaesthetic fog. "Cape, please?" she asked quietly, blond hair moving slightly as she gave a chuckle.

"Do us all a favour," Teddy answered, grinning as Arizona sat upright. "Leave the costume under the bed," she added, pushing at Arizona's shoulder.

"Ooo, dirty Teddy. Dirty."

"I said _under_ the bed, not for _in_ the bed."

"Yeah sure. Maybe I could learn a thing or two off you…"

"Shhh. Eat some chocolate cake before my BMI goes up a few points."

Obediently, Arizona took a large bite, dense chocolate cake with thick cream filling her mouth. She closed her eyes and nodded, offering Teddy a half smile when she reopened them. Teddy shrugged sadly in return, settling back as silence drifted over them, sipping the remnants of her coffee.

"So," Arizona eventually muttered, for the first time in a couple of days having her thoughts clear and not overwhelm her with their intensity. "Any gossip from work? How goes the residents and their sex lives?"

Teddy clapped suddenly, her face lighting up. "Well…"

* * *

><p><strong>TBC…<strong>


	3. Chapter 3

**Thank you all so much for your continued reviews and alerts, I'm thrilled that you're liking this. Some lovely long reviews as well, which is extra nice for me to read. :-) I continue to be motivated with this fic – so, woohoo!**

**On with the part…**

…**.**

**Part 3**

"Calliope?" Arizona called out softly, closing their apartment door behind her. "Callie?"

She heard footsteps and then their bedroom door creaking, Callie appearing through the opening. Her face was pale and her dark hair was tied back, only a few uneven strands framing her face. She had an old pair of jeans on, the denim faded and hems frayed under her feet. A pale pink long-sleeved shirt hugged the contours of her chest and sat just below the belt loops on her trousers. "You're back," she observed.

"What's wrong?" Arizona asked quickly, letting Callie's backpack from work fall to the floor and tossing a plastic bag full of magazines on to the kitchen counter. "You don't look well."

"We need to go to the hospital," Callie said breathlessly, holding on to the doorframe.

Arizona nodded, forehead creased in concern as reached for Callie, one hand on her hip and other gripping her bicep. "The bleeding's heavier?"

"Yeah, much."

"How much?" Arizona's mind was geared up again, racing ahead of her. Should she call the paramedics or drive Callie across the road? Should she phone their specialist? How would she get her to the car? What if she needed another surgery? Should she call her parents? Her sister?

Callie leant heavily on her wife, her chin pressed into Arizona's shoulder. "A lot," she answered slowly, struggling to catch her breath. "Two, maybe three pads an hour."

"Jesus Callie, you should have called me," Arizona berated half-heartedly. "We'll go to Seattle Grace, I'll phone ahead."

Slowly, they walked out of their apartment, Arizona grabbing her bag as they left, whilst she held a tight grip on Callie's arm.

Calling through the Bluetooth in her car, Arizona had Bailey paged through the hospital switch and gave her a heads up as to their arrival. She clinically instructed her, using the forced calmness she usually kept reserved for surgery. Have a bay free, the curtain pulled and a portable ultrasound machine ready and waiting. Book an operating room and have the Gynae Attending on standby, it was likely retained products of conception post an incomplete curette.

They parked in the drop off zone out the front of the emergency room and entered quickly. Arizona flashed her hospital identification at the triage administration worker and entered through the automatic doors. "What did Bailey do? Empty the place?" Callie asked in amazement, looking in bays and rooms as they walked quickly towards the trauma room where Bailey had agreed to meet them. Residents were in with patients behind closed curtains and nurses were either doing the same or had their heads buried in IV trays or patient charts. The few people in the hallway just nodded at them and turned away, quickly placing their hands on keyboards and eyes on the patient information screen. "She's one impressive woman," Callie commented again, slightly teary at the respectful gesture.

"That she is," Arizona agreed, one hand at the base of Callie's spine, light pressure propelling her forward.

It seemed surreal to Callie, all their efforts to maintain a separation between their work and personal life had been pointless. It had been such a conscious decision, to not share every step of their process with their colleagues. Seattle Grace Mercy West didn't offer an assisted reproductive service, though they could have chosen to see an Obstetrician through their closest hospital rather than have their IVF specialist follow them through. Not that it mattered now; all their efforts had been futile. Her desperate wish to have another child was worth nothing now and she was presenting to her work, asking her colleagues for help. The gossip would be through the surgical units before morning.

She didn't have the luxury of avoiding though; feeling lightheaded as the blood continued to steadily drip from her. It was all so unfair, just so horrifically unfair.

"Lie on the bed, Call."

She jumped at the sudden instruction from Arizona, abruptly realising that they were stationary inside a trauma room, standing next to a trolley, which had the all too familiar ultrasound machine next to it.

"We're going to take perfect care of you Torres. Just go on and get up there and your expert wife is going to tell us what we need to do." Bailey smiled wildly from the opposite side of the room, hands in the pockets of her white coat.

"Expert?" Callie asked, eyebrows high as she glanced at Arizona.

"Well, I've got some idea. That's better than none right?"

"If it makes you feel any better, I have Gynae standing by a phone awaiting my call."

"I'm only kidding," Callie conceded, sliding on to the mattress and laying back. She slumped against the pillow, lacking the energy to slowly lower her shoulders back. "I need to be prepped for surgery," she muttered, hands at her hips.

"OR 3 is ready for you, got two scrubs nurses and I suspect Robbins will not be leaving your side."

"You suspect correctly Bailey," Arizona agreed, pulling the ultrasound machine closer before unbuttoning and unzipping Callie's jeans. She pushed her top higher and held the probe over her skin, watching as Callie closed her eyes. "In pain?" she asked softly, staring intently at the screen.

"Not really." Callie kept her eyes tightly closed, knowing that if she opened them at the moment a flood of tears would fall over her temples and towards her ears. "Suddenly I hate those machines," she whispered in elaboration.

Of course she hated them; they brought hope and promise as easily as they could bring devastation. The tiny grainy images on the monitor hadn't brought them any hope lately. Arizona couldn't agree more, she would prefer to kick the machine across the room, but that wouldn't do Callie any favours. And right now, she needed to be in the operating room. "There's still some tissue in your uterus," Arizona said instead. "Looks like around the implantation site, they'll have to go back in Call."

"Bloody hell, it was only done twenty four hours ago."

"Bailey, do you want to phone Gynae? They'll want to check out the images, I'll get Callie up to OR3, I'm sure she can be prepped up there."

"On to it. Alright Torres, I will see you, upstairs. We'll get you sorted properly this time, don't you worry." Bailey grinned, tipping her head slightly to the side. "And before you ask, no, I will not be going in and mending your girly bits. But someone has to make sure the pink scrubs are under competent control."

Callie couldn't resist a snigger yet her lips were pressed tightly together and her eyelids firmly shut. Bailey shared a nod with Arizona and she was gone, phone to her ear as she walked out, dragging the ultrasound machine with her. Arizona stood stationary for a few seconds, one hand still on Callie's abdomen and eyes fixed on her wife. "You going to open your eyes at some point?" she eventually asked softly, sitting down on a stool and wheeling herself adjacent to Callie's shoulder. She received only a shake of the head in response. "Ah, really?" Arizona queried, leaning her elbow on the brunette's pillow and trailing her fingers over her forehead.

"I'll cry."

Arizona's breathing hitched momentarily. "Then cry. It's okay."

Opening her eyes, Callie focussed on Arizona, tears tumbling from the corner of her eyes. It was almost like an overflow valve, the salty water that had gathered in her eyes emptied, leaving the sclera cloudy and iris dull. "I don't want to have another surgery. I don't want to do this anymore."

"I know."

"Be there when I wake up?"

"I'll be there the whole time, Calliope."

**XXXX**

The surgery went quickly and smoothly. There were some remnants of cells that had been missed during the original D and C, already showing signs of infection. They transferred a bag of blood and administered some IV antibiotics and than left Arizona and Callie alone in recovery. A second anaesthetic in a day had left Callie exhausted, weak and nauseas. By the time she got home, all she could do was crawl into bed and sleep deeply. She barely moved in fact and Arizona spent most of the night awake, comforted only by the feel of Callie's breath on her skin or pulse point under the pads of her fingers.

Arizona's insecurities had started to come flooding back; her original reasons for not wanting children and before she met Callie, her objection to commitment. She felt sick.

The sun had been up for hours and still, Callie slept soundly. Usually Arizona found the slight snore that she had when she was particularly tired, quite cute. But today, it was driving her insane. It wasn't what was keeping her awake, but it was the only thing she could direct her frustration and anger to. Internally, she was pushing at Callie, waking her to roll on to her side, holding her nose until she woke up and changed positions. The magazine she flicked through held her attention span for at least three minutes and she didn't know how she could possibly have started her day without knowing how the Pitt and Jolie clan had all been for a haircut. Thrilling material.

Arizona was tired and irritated. And she was angry.

Yet she couldn't do a single thing about any of those emotions. Slipping out of bed, she tiptoed out to the kitchen, quickly making an instant coffee and taking it with her to the main bathroom. She ran a bath, filling the tub with steaming water and lavender salts. Letting the water run high, Arizona undressed and slipped in, only turning off the faucets when the water lapped at the rim. She lowered her body and tipped her head back, sinking her face under the water, holding herself there until she ran out of air. The magic of water is that it disguises tears incredibly well, though a shaking chest and clenched face were still very transparent.

Repeating the action, over and over; the quiet and darkened room bore witness as an out of control internal mantra played over and over. _It__'__s__not__fair_.

She jumped when the bathroom door opened suddenly, water spilling on to the floor. "I couldn't find you, Arizona. What are you doing in here?" Callie's expression was confused; the bathroom was barely lit, just a small amount of light coming in from the half opened door. "Why are you in here? We never use this bathroom."

Arizona knew that as soon as she spoke, Callie would hear her uneven tone and scratched voice. She would correctly interpret the breathlessness, they hadn't gotten as far as they had without being able to read each other with some sort of skill and accuracy.

"Arizona?" she prompted again, stepping forward and over Arizona's clothes towards the bathtub.

"Sorry I woke you." It was the only sentence Arizona could think of in the moment, short simple words without too many syllables. The room flooded with artificial light and she squeezed her eyes shut.

Callie knelt down at the edge of the tub, her knees sliding on the wet tiles. She trailed her hand in the water, resting her palm on Arizona's stomach. "Christ, got the water hot enough?" She felt movement under her hand, Arizona's stomach muscles clenching in an attempt to stop the slight trembling. "Arizona." Her name was uttered so softly it was barely audible. They were both unbelievably broken; it wouldn't be forever but for the moment, they were fragments of themselves. "I can't get in there so you're going to need to come out for me." Arizona shook her head, raising her hands to cover her face.

"I suck at being a superhero…" Arizona mumbled between her hands.

Callie again looked confused and a half smile spread across her cheeks. "Superhero? Why the hell would you want to be a superhero?" Callie tugged at the blonde's forearms, but all she did was move her entire upper body slightly with more water gushing over the side and onto her legs.

"Because I look good in blue?"

"Right now you would look better lying on the sofa with me or next to me on our bed. Not in here, by yourself crying."

Arizona let her hands drop back to the water, defeated. "Sorry."

"Don't do this; I don't need protecting from you. When you cry or get angry, I feel normal. I feel like we're in this together." Arizona moved her fingers through the water and held her palms up in the air, face crumbled as if she had no idea what she needed to do, who she needed to be.

"I'm so tired," she conceded.

"Then get out of this bloody sauna and back to bed." Arizona pulled her legs up and rolled forward, using the edge of the bath to hoist herself to her feet. Callie watched carefully, moving backwards to grab a large white guest towel from below the basin as Arizona gingerly stepped onto the tiles. Wrapping the towel tightly loosely around her, Callie briefly twisted strands of the wet blond hair in her fingers. "I'll have some clothes waiting for you," she said softly.

It took Arizona only a few minutes to dry herself, though her hair still hung damply down her shoulder blades. She walked back to their room via the kitchen, taking a long drink of water from a bottle in the fridge. With her lower lip quivering and the occasional tear still running down her cheek, she dressed in the plain white tank top and blue boyshorts that Callie laid out. Silently, she crawled under the duvet and curled into her wife's torso, sobbing at the first contact as Callie wrapped her arms tightly around her.

Whispering continuously into the blond hair, Callie tried to encourage her; to validate and temporarily at least, remove the guilt and shame. And sleep. Just countless soft words and gentle caresses until her breathing changed, with the even rise and fall of her chest and upper body limp.

**XXXX**

Time moves forward at an alarming rate. Days pass and the emotional intensity fades, the physical scars heal and the routine of life starts to take over. No one can disappear from the world for too long, every day reminders are there to prompt a continual engagement with reality. The bills that arrive in the mail or the supermarket aisles that don't empty just for your presence.

So they return to the mundane. They pick up where they left off and start to regather all the parts that were set aside. And work is an easy place to begin.

"Oi, you're back rockstar?" Mark asked, capturing Callie in a quick hug behind the desk on the Ortho ward. "How's it going?"

"It's going good," Callie responded, holding up three charts as evidence. "Thank God really. I go crazy at home with too much time on my hands."

"When are we catching up for a drink? Leave Trouble with Robbins and down a couple of beers?" He was typically male, in more ways than one; nothing was so bad that an alcoholic beverage couldn't at least help even if it couldn't fix it.

Callie laughed easily, nodding her head as she fumbled to pick up another chart to add to her pile. "Count me in, although I've got a crapload of work to catch up on this week, but next week, I'm all yours."

"All mine?"

Callie dramatically rolled her eyes, kicking lightly at Mark's calf. "In your dreams, Sloan."

She strode off, throwing a wide grin over her shoulder. It felt good to be back. It was comforting to know that she hadn't suddenly lost her skills or competence, and it was something to focus on as well. Something other than her empty womb. With a surgery to fill in her afternoon, she set about writing up the notes she needed to in the charts and managing a quick salad and yogurt before scrubbing in.

Callie hadn't come across Arizona at all during the day, so sent a quick text saying she should be out of surgery by six. Arizona responded with a smiley face and kisses. She would be waiting in the Attending's lounge. Which is where she was sitting, chatting easily with Teddy whilst she sipped on a Diet Coke from the cafeteria, when Callie opened the door. She had already changed out of her scrubs, dressed in a pair of jeans and a black shirt with a jacket. "Hey!" Arizona said, smiling when she appeared in the doorway. "How was surgery?"

"Rocked it. How was your day? Hi Teddy."

"Good, the usual," Arizona responded, dismissing the details.

"So I suppose you two get to go home, then?" Teddy asked, blue clad legs tucked up under her and a magazine open on her lap.

"Ah ha," Callie answered. "I did hear about your heart deformity coming in, sounds crazy. You know the Residents are playing rock, paper, scissors for a place on your team."

"Good for them. Were we all like them years ago? I thought I had more interest in going to a bar than electing to do surgeries at midnight. They're like cats, ready to pounce."

"Or Dobermans, teeth ready."

"Old," Arizona declared. "We're sounding old."

"You are old," Callie muttered, sharing a wide grin with Teddy as she threw an arm around Arizona's shoulders. "Next you'll be counting your wrinkles and dying that blonde hair of yours."

"Stop it. I'm still very young and spritely."

"Spritely Arizona? Really?" Teddy asked, jumping in on the game as she looked at the bantering pair in the doorway.

They laughed and waved, wandering slowly down the hallway and towards the elevator. Work did feel good, to both of them. It wasn't just that they had such a clear identity and purpose, but they were also surrounded by people who were happy to collude with their attempts at normalcy. And it many ways it was normal. They didn't get to just completely withdraw from life, it didn't work that way. You go back to work, you do things that make you happy, make you smile; laugh.

And you collect your daughter from childcare; you lift her up and shower her with kisses until she dissolves into fits of laughter. You do it, because you have to. Because it makes you feel good; really feel good. You're not pretending for once, you actually feel happy when you giggle with your toddler. It makes you realise that the world didn't end; that there's hope.

**XXXX**

Lying on her back on the floor of their apartment, Arizona was surrounded by blocks of Lego and tiny, bent legged Lego Men. Spread across her stomach was Sofia, squirming and giggling as she tried to mimic the tickling that Arizona was inflicting on her. She dug her small hands into her mother's sides and under her arms, her fingers curling as she dissolved into fits of giggles. "No Mama, no tickling me," Sofia repeated, yet freezing with a cheeky grin whenever Arizona halted her ministrations.

"Okay, no more tickles," Arizona beamed, dissolving into laughter when Sofia's chubby hands crawled at her neck. She quickly reached to the ball of energy on her abdomen, poking at her sides and pinching lightly at the back of her thighs. A high-pitched squeal shuddered the room, echoing and Arizona laughed lightly. "Shhhh. Too loud!"

"I'll tickle you Mama. I'll tickle you."

"What if…I get you first?" Sofia dissolved into another fit of raucous laughter as Arizona rolled to her side and tumbled with Sofia on the floor, fingers burrowing into her belly.

Sofia arched her back, tipping her head back and catching sight of Callie, watching in amusement from a few steps away, a wide smile on her face. "Mommy!" Sofia exclaimed between giggles. "Mama is tickling me."

"I can see that Sofia," Callie said, crouching down and propelling herself towards them. "Maybe I should…tickle you too!"

"No!" Sofia yelled, face red from her squirming and uncontrollable laughter. "You get Mama, I want to get Mama."

"No no no," Arizona exclaimed, withdrawing her hands and immediately folding her arms to cover her ribs. "It must be snack time, right? It's definitely time for a break."

Callie flashed a wide smile at Sofia and indicated with her index finger for her to come close. Sofia pushed herself to her feet and rushed over. "What?" Sofia asked in a barely disguised whisper.

"You ready?" Callie asked quietly, replica eyes staring back at her and nodding eagerly. "Should we get Mama?"

Again, dark brown eyes gazed back at her excitedly as she jumped up and down. "Yes!"

"No, don't get me," Arizona said loudly, pulling her knees into the air as she rolled on to her back.

Callie bundled Sofia in her arms, lifting her high off the ground and then lowering the squealing girl onto Arizona. Callie trapped them both, legs either side of Arizona as she tried to squirm beneath the two when two pairs of fingers erratically poked at her. They were unrelenting, Sofia and Arizona giggling widely until Sofia finally stopped, sitting on Arizona's abdomen with feet either side, her hands on the blonde's shoulders. "Ah, rest time," Arizona said with a sigh, catching her breath.

"No, it's not sleep time. It's play time," Sofia insisted, glancing helplessly at Callie, who sat in a similar position behind her, legs on either side of Arizona's hips.

"I think Mama needs a rest, Miss Sofia," Callie said, watching Sofia's face turn into a scowl. "What about, kisses time?" she conceded, wrapping her arms around Sofia from behind and pressing kisses to her cheek. "Who else needs kisses?" she asked, hands in the air.

Sofia grinned and pointed to Arizona, kicking her legs out to lay prone and capturing Arizona's cheek with consecutive kisses. Callie followed, slipping to the side and tackling Sofia to squeeze between them, observing Arizona wince with each rough foot and knee from their daughter. "Kisses for Mama," Callie murmured lightly, smiling as she pressed a light kiss to Arizona's lips.

"I like this game," Arizona said grinning, brushing her nose against Sofia's where she was trapped next to her.

"Let me up Mommy, got to build a house." Callie laughed at the sudden activity change from Sofia, watching her hold a sole piece of lego she had obviously just found.

"Alright then, you go build a house. Make it a good one, with a big chimney,' Callie responded, awkwardly releasing Sofia and hoisting her over her chest until her feet hit the floor on the other side of her. They observed silently for a few minutes as Sofia gathered various pieces and settled with the box of blocks just a few metres away near the sofa. "How's the ribs?" Callie asked grinning, lightly trailing her fingertips over Arizona's side.

Rolling her eyes, Arizona shrugged. "She's not getting any lighter that's for sure. But that giggle gets me every time."

"Clever little munchin, she knows it all too well." Callie rolled on to her stomach and pushed herself up, groaning as she moved onto her feet and to a standing position. "This floor is ridiculously hard," she said, holding her hand out to Arizona.

Gripping the offered arm tightly, Arizona leant forward slightly and planted her feet, allowing Callie to easily hoist her to her feet. "Thank you," she responded, leaning forward and capturing Callie in a quick kiss, pushing her tongue to swiftly run over the inside of the plump lower lip. "And a kiss for Mommy too."

**TBC…..**


	4. Chapter 4

**Thank you to everyone who has continued to review, it's brilliantly motivating! And to the couple of reviewers that went into such detail, you're fabulous! I know it takes time to comment and to comment with such depth, you definitely rock.**

**Anyway, on with the next part, something a little lighter for a change. The M rating I mentioned in the first part is definitely applicable here, this part contains a relatively detailed sex scene. **

**Part 4**

Later that evening, Callie was curled up next to Sofia in her bed, softly reading her a story as she patiently waited for her daughter's eyes to drift closed. She fought bedtime for as long as she could, generally happy to be in bed but always fidgeting to keep her body from succumbing to sleep. Which fortunately for Arizona and Callie, it meant she slept late, and generally needed to be woken up before eight so they had a chance at making it to work on time. Wonderful for days off though, she tended not to wander into their bedroom until after nine and even then, was content to snuggle between the two of them before a late breakfast.

They covered a range of books in a half an hour, gradually working their way through The Magic Faraway Tree, one of Callie's favourites from when she was a child. They had tried to interest Sofia in some early childhood books that covered family diversity and what it was like to grow up with two Moms, but Sofia bored so easily of it. She would roll her eyes and question the book, there was no mention of a Daddy who lived nearby nor friends who were known as Aunts and Uncles. She had learnt very early though, that other children had brothers and sisters, and was thoroughly dissatisfied with the fact that she didn't have anyone to share her toys with. She had even started requesting a baby brother or sister long before Callie and Arizona had even considered trying for a child together.

They had spoken to Sofia at various times and they had been honest with her after her extended stays with Mark post both of Callie's miscarriages. It was Callie that had quietly explained that she had had a baby in her tummy, but like their goldfish that regularly died, the baby had gone to heaven.

"_So like my fish?" Sofia asked quietly, fingers touching the wet skin below Callie's eyes._

"_Exactly like your fish honey."_

"_So, if my fish are in a big big ocean in heaven, where is the baby?"_

_The question had stumped Callie and she simply shrugged. "I think in a special Angel's belly. What do you think?"_

"_Yeah, that's good. And I got a new fish, lots of new fish. Will you get a new baby in your tummy?"_

"Mommy?" Sofia asked, her eyes starting to involuntarily drift close.

"Yes Sofia."

"Will I get a sister soon? She can have Bumbles to play with." Bumbles was Sofia's favourite bear, a large stuffed teddy that at one time, had been as big as Sofia when she was just learning to walk. Sofia had at some point realised that she wanted a sister and not a brother; occasionally reminding Arizona and Callie that little brothers liked trucks and she didn't like trucks.

Arizona had responded quickly one day, saying that a little brother might want to dress up in her pretty pink skirts and ballet outfits. Sofia had appeared considerably confused, _but __boys __don__'__t __wear __dresses_. Arizona just laughed, so many stereotypes they had deconstructed for their child, but gender roles was clearly not one of them.

"But Bumbles is yours."

"Yeah, but maybe if she knows she can have Bumbles, then she won't need to go to heaven."

"Maybe Sofia, maybe."

"What if we put a baby in Mama's tummy? I tickled Mama today, she has a tickly belly."

"Yes she does, now it's time for sleep. Too much talking, not enough sleeping."

"But I'm not sleepy," she insisted, trying to open her eyes wide but failing miserably.

"How about we just pretend for a minute. We both close our eyes and I'll count to one hundred, then we can read another story."

"Okay, I'll close my eyes and you count. I can only count to ten."

"Okay," Callie answered with a grin and started counting. It was an old trick and she didn't use it too often but it worked perfectly. As soon as Sofia kept her eyes closed for longer than a few seconds she would drift off to sleep. Not once had she managed to stay awake for the story that would result if Callie reached one hundred. And that night, she was breathing heavily by thirty.

Callie rolled off the bed and on to her feet, returning the duvet over Sofia and covering her. She switched off the bedside light and tiptoed out, pulling the door almost closed and heading towards the main bedroom, where she knew Arizona would be in bed with a book. "That took a while," Arizona stated with a lopsided smile when Callie entered their room and closed the door behind her.

"Oh I know, I had to resort to the 'eyes closed and I'll count to a hundred trick'."

"That bad? I thought she was exhausted, she almost fell asleep in her spaghetti tonight."

"Yeah, she has a crazy amount of endurance. Or stubbornness. That and she had decided that if she offers Bumbles to a new baby than _she_ might stick around."

"Oh," Arizona muttered, a mixture of an exhalation and a half formed word. "That's kind of cute…but sad."

Callie nodded and slid into bed, kicking her slippers to the ground as she pulled her legs under the covers. Writhing her way towards Arizona, she wrapped her arms around her, one arm across her stomach and the other under the pillow Arizona was propped up with. "I could have almost cried when she said it; she's so innocent. It all makes sense in her mind," Callie explained, pressing her lips to Arizona's shoulder.

"I guess so," Arizona responded slowly. "How did you get on to that? Was she asking for another little sister?"

"Yep, well kind of. She's figured out that the babies haven't been in your tummy; she came out of mine and the other two from my belly are in heaven." Arizona drew in a quick breath, she hated in many ways, that Sofia was growing up thinking that everything was good in the world because no matter what happened, you went to heaven. Arizona didn't necessarily believe or not believe, it wasn't particularly relevant but she did think they should raise their child to think independently, to question and not just blindly believe something because an adult has said it's right. And the existential idea that these barely growing embryos were living an amazing life somewhere, wasn't something that she wanted to advocate to Sofia.

It wasn't an argument she would ever have with Callie and even it they did, it wasn't one that she would win. Callie's belief system was well established and Sofia was a child, who Callie, rightly so, wanted to keep as childlike for as long as possible.

"Right," Arizona replied slowly. "Smart kid."

Callie laughed lightly. "Too smart. Don't worry, she thinks because you have a good tickle belly, then it would make for a good place to put a baby."

"Can't argue with that logic," Arizona conceded with a nervous chuckle.

They lay in silence for a few moments, motionless. "I'm not asking you, just so you know," Callie suddenly blurted out, as if having an epiphanic thought.

Arizona turned her head, eyes wide as she met Callie's gaze.

"Sorry," Callie said sheepishly, "that came out a little harsher than it was intended. And louder. I just suddenly realised that you were thinking I was asking you to have our baby and I would never do that."

"You don't want me to try?" Arizona asked carefully, fingers dancing over the arm wrapped across her.

Callie squeezed her tightly, pressing her body flush against Arizona's and even tossing her leg over the blonde's to strengthen her grip. "You didn't hear me Arizona, I would never ask you to. I would never ask you to do something that you didn't want to do."

Arizona exhaled heavily, losing confidence in herself by the second. "Other than take the trash out?" she joked, needing a reprieve from the intensifying conversation.

Callie softly giggled, appeasing her. "It's okay," she offered, trying to calm the panic that she knew was rising in her wife.

Focussing on the bed covers, Arizona drew in some slow breaths. She inhaled through her nose and then released the air through her mouth; old strategies from the operating room transferring. "I can try; if you want me to."

Callie froze, face pressed into Arizona's curls, her mouth suddenly ajar. "What?"

"I…We…If we want to try again. I can, I mean, I'll try. If you want. When you're ready." She sighed heavily, frustrated as she stumbled over her words. "When you want to, we can try an implantation in me."

Callie remained immobile for a few seconds before quickly untangling herself from Arizona and pulling at her to roll on to her side. She waited until Arizona had turned, eyes wide and cautious, hands fidgeting at the sheet that fell slightly between them. "Are you…Arizona, are you serious?" She nodded, a barely there smile twitching at the corner of her mouth. "Really?"

"Yes," she answered, nodding. "I know it's not the answer, the solution. So if you don't want this, then I'm not…I just…I thought maybe this is another option."

Callie leaned in and kissed her suddenly, her mouth desperately attaching to Arizona's, her tongue darting inside of her mouth, seeking the familiar warmth. She pulled back as quickly as she had devoured the lips, a wide grin across her face. "I didn't think this was a possibility; you never wanted this. I thought that if I said no, if I couldn't do it again or put myself through it again, then that was it."

Arizona couldn't help but feel a slight fluttering in her chest, a tiny glimmer of hope amongst her anxiety. Callie just looked amazed, like an entire weight had been lifted off of her. And suddenly Arizona realised that she had been contributing to the pressure that Callie felt, that the viability of their future child lay solely in her responsibility. "I'm sorry," Arizona offered quietly, reaching to play with a piece of long brown hair that had fallen forward and over Callie shoulder. "Part of me thought that you wanted to do the pregnancy thing, that you wanted to see what it was like after everything that happened with Sofia. But I didn't mean for you to think that I wouldn't ever consider…I mean, I didn't want you to think that everything rested with you."

"So you are serious?"

"I'm not saying that I don't have concerns. I'm not all you know, excited about the prospect. But I do know that I'm not sure I can watch you go through all that again, Calliope. I would rather it were me, than you."

"I love you," Callie said quickly, gripping Arizona's hand where it was twirling the piece of hair around her finger. "And we don't have to rush, okay. I want you to be sure, to be okay with this. And we're still a bit, something, I don't know what we are. But we're still not all chipper with the world so I don't want to rush at all. You've been amazing to me, for ages, all through this. Everything. And now you're, I really can't believe you're offering this. And I'm going to be right next to you, like, so close you'll be ready to kill me."

"Shhh," Arizona calmed her. "You're rambling."

"Of course I'm rambling. You just said words that I never though would ever come out of your mouth."

Arizona was such a mixture of emotions and Callie's elation was a little overwhelming to her. In some ways, she thought that Callie would be resistant or upset that they had to resort to having Arizona try to conceive and carry their child, when it was Callie who was born to be a mother. "I thought you might be upset," Arizona eventually uttered softly.

"Upset?"

Arizona shrugged, she didn't want to put thoughts in Callie's head but she also didn't want this to suddenly be what she focussed on, forgetting the context of everything they had been through. And the nagging thought in the back of Arizona's mind as well, what were their options if she failed? "Just that this, that I, might remind you of what you've, we've lost." Callie nodded, her face losing some of its excitement. "I'm sorry," Arizona added, "I didn't meant to upset you. To take this away."

"I know. Trust me, I know. I wish, more than anything, that I could have done this. Because by now we could have had a gorgeous little mini-Sofia that we would be so unbelievably in love with. And I hate that I couldn't give you that too, sometimes I'm so angry with myself that I couldn't do it."

Arizona opened her mouth to speak, a few syllables tumbling out as she prepared to counteract Callie's self-criticism, but Callie silenced her with a stern look.

"But I wouldn't for a moment, give up something that we both want, just because I'm stubborn. I had Sofia and that was part of my dream. This though, this is us, both of us. And if you can be okay with trying, then I want us to. But really Arizona, there's no rush okay. Promise me that you'll be open with me."

Arizona nodded slowly, her face a kaleidoscope of thoughts and emotions. She just put something out there, she committed to something that she's not entirely sure she has the strength to do. But she has to try, the face staring at her with such love and adoration needed her to try. She leaned forward and engaged Callie in a soft kiss, though her mind was distracted and her body language communicated it better than her voice ever did. Callie broke away and smiled, pushing at Arizona's shoulder until she lay on her back, watching cautiously as Callie moved over her. She placed one leg between Arizona's and held her upper body slightly off of the blonde's with her elbows. "Don't think any more about it at the moment okay?" Callie asked, trailing kisses down her neck. "You're stressing, I can see you completely stressing."

Arizona sighed, forcing her body to relax and dissolve under the comforting feel of her wife's body draped over hers. "Are you going to distract me?" she asked coyly.

"That is definitely my plan," Callie conceded, returning to focus on trailing her tongue over Arizona's clavicle. She worked at the skin, alternating between sucking at the carotid pulse point and blowing hot air over the wet skin. Slowly, she felt Arizona relax, her body sinking back into the sheets and her muscles expanding. Snaking an open palm down Arizona's form, Callie slowly moved over her right breast, relieved at the soft exhalation the action elicited.

Slipping her fingers to the hip underneath her, Callie fumbled lightly before managing to gain access to the smooth skin beneath the cotton top Arizona was wearing. Seeking out the blonde's lips, Callie increased her intent; sucking hungrily on the tongue that eagerly entered her mouth.

Breathlessly, Callie sought out the familiar feel of the mounds of Arizona's chest, her thumb tracing tight circles around a quickly hardening nipple. She received the reaction she was desperately seeking; an involuntary pull of her wife's hips against her body and a slow, drawn out moan. "Callie," Arizona articulated, both hands wrapping around her neck, fingers tangling into her hair.

"Mmmm?" Callie murmured, finding her own pelvis rolling so that her centre found friction from the thigh between her legs. "I know you want this…"

Arizona tugged at her hair, pulling away from the hot mouth that was continuously seeking her own with an increasing tempo. "I do, I do. I really do."

"Then relax Arizona. Remember what that's like?" Callie teased, rolling Arizona's nipple between her fingers.

"Are you sure?"

"Oh I'm sure," Callie murmured, removing her hand and quickly placing it on Arizona's hip, toying with the waistband of her boxers. "It's been weeks and I am insanely horny for you right now."

Arizona whimpered, wrapping one leg behind Callie as she moved her hands to the brunette's lower back, pulling her closer. "Then I need you here," she muttered.

They rubbed against each other, upper thighs grinding into each other's sex, soft boxer shorts bunching as they moved together with progressive haste. "Too many clothes," Callie gasped, roughly drawing Arizona's shirt above her head before ensuring she was in a similar state of undress.

Feeling Arizona's warm hands cup her voluptuous breasts, Callie ducked her head and allowed her thick tongue to lap at Arizona's hardened tips. "God," Arizona gasped. "That feels so good."

Callie glanced up at her, eyes sparkling as she began to kiss down her abdomen, stopping at her naval to nibble at the skin. She felt a hand on the top of her head, slight pressure pushing her lower. Pressing light kisses over her hip and down the top of her thigh, Callie halted above her knee and moved her warm breath to the inside of her leg. She started to move upwards, working her way slowly and deliberately towards Arizona's centre. She could smell the distinct arousal and was already imagining the wetness she would find. "You're so incredibly hot right now," Callie said, voice husky.

"Still too many clothes," Arizona muttered, fingertips moving independently over her own chest.

"I don't think they need to come off just yet," Callie teased, pressing her face between Arizona's legs, releasing a long warm breath into the crotch of her shorts. "You smell so good," she added, curling a finger behind the material and groaning loudly as it glided directly into Arizona's folds. "I wasn't expecting that," Callie gasped, gently running up and down the length of her before sliding two fingers inside of her.

Arizona reacted immediately, hips rising off the bed. "Don't stop," she instructed suddenly, mouth ajar as she watched Callie's actions intently.

"You want me to keep going?"

"Yes, definitely yes."

"Faster or slower?" Callie asked, her two fingers moving steadily in and out of Arizona's wetness, her thumb occasionally pressing lightly to her clitoris.

"I don't care, just…just keep going," Arizona gasped, cheeks flushed and breath coming in short, sharp inhalations.

Callie continued her unrelenting ministration, working on drawing Arizona close to the edge. She watched carefully, her own arousal pooling as her wife's moans became more regularly and louder. Arizona's pelvis started to lose its patterned movements and became more erratic as Calie felt a slight clenching around her fingers as they slid in and out. Glancing up at her, Callie watched as the blond pressed her head back into the pillow and clenched her eyes shut, mildly grimacing.

Callie took this moment to remove her hand, stepping off the edge of the bed and peeling Arizona's boxers off of her, discarding them to the floor. "What? Are you kidding me?" Arizona questioned, hoisting herself up on her elbows and staring frustratingly at Callie.

"Oooo, you're angry," Callie commented with a grin, crawling back on to the bed and straddling Arizona's waist.

"I was close!" Arizona exclaimed, as if Callie wasn't aware of how she had strategically stopped as she teetered on the edge.

Callie nodded, holding Arizona's hips to the bed as she leant down and kissed her passionately, sucking on her lower lip and fighting with her tongue. "I know," she assured her. "But I wasn't," she explained with a wide grin.

Arizona shook her head and grabbed at Callie's shoulders, moving her body and tossing the brunette on to her back. Arizona wasted no time on slow caresses, kneeling between her legs and holding her knees in the air, she pressed her mouth directly into Callie's centre.

She received her desired response, an automatic deep moan and sudden jerk as she wrapped her lips around Callie's clitoris. Sucking the tight nub into her mouth, she used her tongue to flick against the exposed nerve endings, immediately setting a firm and repetitive pace. She continued for a minute, content when Callie began to squirm beneath her before releasing the tingling bud. Flattening her tongue, Arizona thrust it inside of Callie's dripping entrance before running it up the length of her. She repeated the action a few times and then focussed solely on flicking at the bundled nerves that sent waves of pleasure through Callie.

Loudly moaning, Callie clenched her stomach muscles and curled her body, running a hand over Arizona's head and down to her neck. "You need to stop," she gasped, though the sound was strangled and barely audible.

"Mmmm?" Arizona responded, the vibrations sending a further rush through Callie and she shifted suddenly, forcing Arizona's mouth off of her.

She groaned heavily, holding a palm in the air. "Oh God, just stop for a second."

"You don't want to?" Arizona asked, suddenly concerned.

Frantically gasping for air, Callie nodded eagerly, tugging at Arizona's upper arms and pulling her to lie on top of her. "Yes, absolutely. I want you to come with me," she insisted, pushing a hand between them and between Arizona's legs. "You just had me a little close," she added with a light laugh.

"Ohhh, that I can live with," Arizona grinned. "And tell me what you had in mind then?" she asked, eyes closed as she lifted her body slightly off Callie's, feeling herself pick up where she had left off before she had focussed her attention her stunning Latina.

"I want to feel you against me, Arizona," Callie responded, disinhibited and eyes wild.

"Really?"

"Ah ha, yep."

"And what would you say if I wanted to be on top?" she asked, glancing down in admiration at the hand that was hurriedly rubbing at her sex.

"I would say that's hot. I would say that I love that and that it'll make me come freakin' quickly."

"So," Arizona said, swallowing heavily and stopping Callie's hand. "Tell me, is this what you had in mind?" she asked, widening Callie's legs and settling between them, hands to either side of Callie's shoulders as she allowed her centre to linger lightly over her wife's.

Callie nodded, licking her lips and pushing her hips into the air to try and gain more pressure. "Exactly what I had in mind."

"And…do you want me to move like this?" she asked, rolling her pelvis so that her sex rubbed firmly against Callie's.

"Faster," Callie gasped, hands grasping Arizona's sides and roughly trying to move their bodies with greater velocity. "Will this work for you?" she asked after almost a minute, feeling her body dangerously close to tumbling over the edge. With each movement, the pressure was building again, her lower limbs starting to tingle and a flood of warmth spreading across her abdomen.

Arizona moaned in answer, her mouth open as she tried to focus on Callie's eyes, panting as she felt a rush of thick fluid and she was suddenly able to slide herself against Callie. Feeling the change, Callie released a throaty grunt lowering a hand over Arizona's firm backside and pulling at her upper thigh. "Faster," Callie commanded again and Arizona complied, lowering her body so their breasts rubbed together.

"Call…" Arizona ducked her head and squeezed her eyes shut, ready at any moment to tumble into her climax.

"Now…I'm going to come now," Callie declared as her legs started to spasm and she locked her free arm around Arizona's back.

Barely seconds apart, their orgasms plunged to the surface, bodies urgently pulsating and seeking maximum friction. Arizona fell onto Callie, muffled cries being emitted into her chest, the irregular hot breath tickling her neck. Callie continued to rock her lower body, wrapping her legs around Arizona's thighs and releasing heavy groans for longer than she usually would. Arizona happily submitted, her own body shuddering involuntarily as the contact against her pulsing clitoris continued.

Arizona lost sense of time, her eyes closed and cheek pressed comfortably over Callie's breast, aware that her body was continuing to respond to the movements against her yet strangely absent, almost external to her body. "Arizona," Callie muttered at some point, a handful of blond hair in her grasp. "I need your leg," she instructed breathlessly and Arizona was suddenly aware of Callie tugging at her thigh, trying to slip herself into position between them.

Arizona nodded, repositioning herself and moving to arch herself away from Callie's chest, but she was firmly pulled back. She felt Callie squeeze her legs around one of hers and both arms wrap around her back, Callie's face pressed into the matted blond hair around her neck. "Yes," she gasped, wetness flooding over Arizona's upper thigh as Callie rocked against it. Wordlessly, Callie gave a few more hasty movements and moaned into Arizona's ear, fingernails digging into her back and shoulder. "Yes," she repeated, her abdomen contracting beneath Arizona's slender hip.

Burying her face as she tried to catch her breath, Callie tightened her hold and hugged Arizona strongly to her. Eyes closed for the few minutes it took for her breathing to return to normal. "That…now that was awesome," Arizona eventually whispered into a mass of black hair, matted against Callie's sweaty chest.

Callie laughed awkwardly, palms gliding over Arizona's spine. "It kind of snuck up on me," she admitted.

"If that's how it plays out, it can sneak up on you any time."

"I can repay the favour," Callie whispered. "Anything you like."

Arizona laughed lightly and shrugged. "I would be more than happy just to watch that again."

Callie reached down to Arizona's hips, one hand on either side. Moving her leg that lay between Arizona's she bent her knee until her thigh pressed firmly against the familiar heat. "Trust me, it's better to experience it," she insisted, rhythmically pushing into Arizona's centre.

"Mmmm, you might be right."

"But I can do anything you like," Callie insisted. "Use my fingers, tongue…whatever it takes to make you come hard and fast."

Arizona groaned, shaking her head. "Probably a waste, fast isn't going to be optional."

"Good," Callie said with a grin. "I want to hear you."

"Keep talking," Arizona muttered, starting to move herself against the firm thigh between her legs. "Just, keep you know; it's good. Really good."

Callie deliberately sighed and lowered her voice. "You've already stopped making sense. Remind me, do you like it when I talk to you in bed, Arizona?"

"You know I do."

"You tell me all the time, did you know that? I love it when you tell me."

"Then keep talking," Arizona said roughly.

"You want me to keep talking while you _screw_ my leg?"

Arizona whimpered, her even movements jerking suddenly before resuming their regular rhythm. "Yes," she hissed.

"I could feel you before, when I came on you. Your body was responding." Arizona nodded her agreement. "I love making you do that, feeling you on me."

"Can you feel me on you now?" Arizona asked boldly, starting to lose herself in her growing pleasure.

Callie smiled and nodded. "I can feel you," she insisted throatily. "My thigh is so wet." Arizona closed her eyes briefly, letting her body increase the pace. "Did you know you were so close to making me come before?" she asked, continuing without waiting for an answer. "With your mouth on me, my God. It's always amazing, how you know exactly where to flick your tongue to drive me crazy."

"How close?" She was starting to pant hard, each syllable hard to articulate as Callie started to toy with her breasts, grating her nail over the nipples.

"So close," Callie whispered, "that if you had breathed on me, I would have exploded."

"Callie," Arizona murmured, eyes drifting down to where she was riding the dark skinned thigh.

"That's it Arizona, watch. Look at the way you're moving against my leg, sliding because you're so wet." Arizona drew in a sharp breath and closed her eyes, wincing as she brought herself closer. "No, open your eyes. This is so hot, you have to watch."

Arizona obliged, her outstretched arms holding her upright as she pounded herself against Callie's deliberately clenched quadriceps muscle. "Callie," she gasped again, teeth clenching in a familiar warning of her approaching climax.

"That's it, you're almost there aren't you? You're going to come hard and I'm going to watch as you do. What can I do to help, Arizona?" she added almost as an afterthought. Arizona's eyes drifted briefly to Callie's hands, still kneading her breasts. Callie grinned and dropped a hand, using her elbow to rise herself slightly off the bed where she could devour a taut nipple with her mouth. The sudden onslaught was perfect and Arizona arched her back quickly, breast pressed against Callie's tongue and her face tilted to the ceiling.

Her moans were higher pitched than Callie's and she emitted a protracted note that lingered in the air as she continued to grind herself until the ripples slowly faded. Grinning, Callie waited patiently to meet the hazy blue eyes, giving a short giggle when Arizona's face blushed and she collapsed back onto Callie.

"I'm just wondering," Callie started after a few minutes of tenderly stroking Arizona's shoulders and back. "If you're feeling a little more relaxed now?"

Arizona swatted lightly at Callie's shoulder, slipping to the side of her and drawing the covers over them before they both drifted to sleep. "Definitely relaxed."

**TBC…**


	5. Chapter 5

**AN: **_Thank you_, as always for your reviews, comments, messages and alerts. They make me smile. :-)

A brief return in this part to some complexity – it's never going to be all pretty pink bubbles when I'm writing. Sorry about that!

Do continue to let me know what you think and if you're still reading; it really is appreciated. And incredibly motivating…not surprisingly! Now, if someone can just motivate me to finish (start?) my Christmas shopping, I would be incredibly excited and would likely reward with…something, chocolate? Wine? :-)

**Part 5**

Chaos was reining around the nurses' station, scrub clad staff rushing around each other and to a casual observer, they appeared to have no purpose. A pair of nurses were arguing loudly with each other, apparently highly agitated by a missing medication entry. A group of residents were gesturing to each other across the bay, tossing charts between them, like they were footballs. A couple of children were walking slowly around the ward, hands gripping IV poles and a parent's finger, noisily sharing in incredible detail, the lunch they had just had a short time before.

Arizona was sitting on a high-backed wheeled chair, oblivious to the happenings around her as she stared absentmindedly, her eyes fixated on the surgical pager list, though her focus was clearly elsewhere. "Hey," Callie said to Arizona with a grin, leaning over the high bench and looking down to her distracted wife. "Arizona? Is it nice and sunny there?"

"What?" Arizona asked, realising that Callie was directing a question towards her but having no idea of what she was referring to.

"The daydream, was it nice and sunny?"

Arizona scowled at her, refocussing on the page in front of her. "Did you want something, Calliope?"

"Oooo, you're grumpy. Why are you grumpy?"

"I'm not, I'm just busy," Arizona muttered, raking her fingers through her hair and pulling pieces loose from her ponytail.

Callie stalled momentarily, shrugging and trying to interpret Arizona's non-verbal communication. "Okay," she said slowly, the syllables drawn out. "You weren't so grumpy last night…" she whispered, hoisting herself up on her hands and tilting her body over the bench top towards Arizona, feet dangling just off the ground.

Arizona shot her a disgusted look, turning her head left and right before rising off her chair. "Keep your voice down; this isn't the time or the place."

"Time or place for what Arizona? I was just calling by to see if you have a chance to have a late lunch, I didn't swing by to get whatever this is. Whatever attitude you have happening."

"Attitude?" Arizona shot back, blue eyes wide and her voice rising, the bantering staff around them suddenly stopping to observe the couple with interest. "You're one to talk."

"Whoa," Callie conceded, dropping back to the floor and holding her hands up in front of her. "I'm waving a very big white flag." Arizona dropped her hands to the desk, shaking her head again, unaware of Callie reaching and grabbing Teddy's elbow as she strode past, eyes locked on the printed ECG result in her hand. "Here, here's Switzerland to talk some sense into you. I'm around when you…" _when __you__'__re __back __to __normal_ was what she wanted to say. She recognised the change in tactic from Arizona, the anger that was likely masking fear. It was difficult to be on the receiving end, caught up in the emotional fallout yet so intrinsically involved. "When you feel like talking," she finished instead, tentatively reaching out and squeezing Arizona's shoulder, rolling her eyes at Teddy and walking away when Arizona glared at her.

Teddy watched the scene play in front of her, Callie expressing some sort of understanding tolerance, yet exasperated at the same time. Arizona was clearly fuming; hands curled into tight fists and pressed to the desk, both feet planted firmly shoulder width apart. "Alrighty," Teddy said strongly with a nod, waiting for Callie to stride down the hall before walking around to enter the small work area, indicating with her hands for the staring personnel to go back to their work. "With me, now." Teddy didn't ask, just instructed, moving behind Arizona and pushing lightly at her back. "Yeah, no; I think you've added enough to the gossip mill at the moment," she responded when Arizona's eyes widened and her mouth opened to challenge.

"Crap," Arizona eventually muttered, suddenly realising the audience that she had smirking at her.

"Yep, big crap," Teddy affirmed, a tight grip on the sleeve of Arizona's white lab coat, eyes on the nearest on call room. Arizona allowed herself to be directed, shaking her head as if in disbelief of the small performance she had given her colleagues.

Yet, she was still fuming. Far too angry for what the circumstances warranted. Not that there were any circumstances, Callie had simply asked her to lunch and she had responded figuratively with her fists raised. Her arm was released as she was pushed through the door, the distinct sound of the metal latch clicking into place as it was closed behind them.

"So?" Teddy prompted, eyes fixed on Arizona and her defensive body language, arms crossed over her chest and shoulders squared.

Arizona growled mildly as she let out a rush of air, a slight catching of fluid in her throat. "I'm a f…" the blond bit her tongue and clenched her teeth, stopping herself from hurling a rush of expletives across the room. "I'm an idiot," she rephrased. "So stupid. What the hell was I thinking?"

Teddy offered a small smile, holding an open hand out in front of her and rolling her fingers in the air. "Details Arizona, details," she stated, encouraging an elaboration with the gesture.

Arizona's cheeks flushed a warm red and she felt her forehead sweat; her pulse racing. "I told her," she said, each word emphasised and uttered loudly. "I told her, that I would have a baby." Her breathing was ragged; eyes wild and her fingernails were digging in to her own forearms.

"Callie? You told Callie what?" Teddy asked as her forehead narrowed in confusion.

"I know. Am I completely insane?" Arizona raged, unfolding her arms and tensing her hands in the air, hovering just near her ears. "I'm freaking out; in twenty four hours I've gone from this normal person to being ready to kill the first person who…who I don't know, takes my pen," she muttered, rocking forward on the balls of her feet.

"Oh," Teddy acknowledged, her mouth forming to continue before Arizona furthered her rant.

"And I can't freak out now, I've already said it. I can't take it back. She looked at me with those puppy dog eyes of hers and she _smiled_. God, do you know how long it's been since she actually smiled; like she really meant it. And we had sex Teddy, we had proper, decent, rock your world kind of sex. What do I do? Take it away from her. Sorry honey, I screwed up and just gave you a gift and now I'm going to snatch it back and let you fall apart all over again. What kind of psycho wife am I?"

Moving a few steps towards Arizona, Teddy reached out to lightly touch her hand, held with her palms up in front of her with her shoulders pulled in a heavy shrug. Arizona recoiled quickly, taking a step back and pacing towards the bunk beds, spinning on her toes and repeating the short walk. "So, you're not really angry?" Teddy asked quietly, moving and sitting herself down on the bed opposite Arizona's path, allowing her space to vent.

"I am angry," Arizona shot back, her eyes darting around the room. "How stupid could I be?"

"I don't think you've been stupid, Arizona. Wanting to give Callie something that she and maybe both of you, desperately want. That's anything but stupid." Teddy forced her tone to be light, each word paced slow and with a mundanely even tempo.

"It was though; this will just end up hurting her even more. What kind of person does that?" Arizona shot back, glaring at Teddy as if daring her to answer.

"Oh I don't know," Teddy countered softly. "Someone who loves their wife; who wants to see her happy and content."

Arizona released a frustrated sigh, folding herself and forcing her fists harshly against her thighs. She repeated the action three times, punching heavily into the toned flesh, muscles aching at the action. Teddy observed quietly, her own hands at her sides, pressed into the mattress and ready to stand quickly if needed. But the blonde in front of her deescalated suddenly, slumping to the floor and pressing her forehead against her knees. "I don't know what to do."

"I know," Teddy agreed, relaxing her tensed body.

"Callie knows, probably all too well. I get scared so I get angry. I should never have started that fight in the middle of the ward."

"I wouldn't worry about Callie, it probably doesn't take a genius to figure out that you're stressing. And the rest of them would probably have moved on to something else by now, gossip travels around here quicker than patients come into the ER."

"I still don't know what the hell to do though, seriously."

Teddy considered Arizona's words for a few moments, tossing them around in her head and trying to guess at what would be most useful to her friend in that moment. "What made you offer? I mean, what made you tell Callie that you would have a baby?"

Arizona lifted her gaze, her blue eyes having lost the adrenalin rush and eyelids now heavier. "I don't know," she started, her persona completely changed, the anger dissipated and in its place a thoughtful resonance. "When I was on the phone to you at the hospital, I said that I thought she would ask me. That Callie would ask me to have our baby. And then I spent weeks thinking about it and then last night, Callie was laying next to me and she was telling me that she wasn't asking me to have a baby…I just, felt completely helpless when I didn't need to be."

"She was telling you that she _wasn__'__t_ asking you? Details Arizona, you're skipping the details and I'm not really following."

Arizona offered a small sheepish smile. "Sorry. I'll start again. Sofia asked Calliope again last night, about us having a sister for her; the kid is obsessed." Teddy rolled her eyes and nodded, she had even experienced the excitable child drilling Arizona after work one day. "Apparently though, she's figured out that baby's don't stay in Mommy's tummy…but I have a perfectly good one."

"Man that child has brains," Teddy muttered, moving off the bed on to the floor, half crawling across to sit next to Arizona.

Arizona nodded quickly. "So Callie was telling me what Sofia had said and then she thought I was taking her story as a question so she kept telling me that she wasn't asking. And suddenly I wanted to, in the moment, it didn't seem like a big deal. If the alternative was not having another child, then surely I couldn't be so selfish that I wouldn't do it. It just didn't seem like the big issue I had made it out to be in my head."

"Mmmm," Teddy said, indicating her understanding. "Then what happened today?"

"I woke up!" Arizona exclaimed, a lump suddenly persisting in her throat. "I've been all anxious today, I feel nauseous and tense. I've been ready to snap at anyone at any moment."

"You regret saying it?"

"Kind of."

"You don't want to have another child?"

Arizona froze and she let her chin drop to her chest. "I do," she whispered.

"Is Callie still saying that she can't try again?"

"Yeah and I can't ask her; I'm not willing to sit back and let her put herself through it again. Not soon anyway, maybe in a few years."

"So…"

Sighing, Arizona shrugged. "I know how it sounds. I'm just being ridiculous, I'm all over the place."

"You don't have to answer and I know you've hardly hidden your ambivalence towards motherhood, but you are so amazing with Sofia. Why is it that you are adverse to having a baby?" Arizona sat silently, head still bowed and eyes fixed solely on the drawstring of her scrub pants that she was fumbling through her fingers. "Sorry Arizona, you don't need to answer that."

"We've all got issues, hey?"

Teddy grinned and rolled her eyes, tapping her elbow to Arizona's upper arm. "You've met me, right?"

They laughed easily, an adequate distraction from Arizona's unwillingness to answer a very legitimate and important question. "Suppose I should venture back outside, now that I'm feeling a tad less homicidal."

"Eck, do we have to? I could stay here all day; I am so over residents and interns at the moment. They're like parasites; I have to do a runner to Paeds just to escape the cardiac obsessed maniacs."

"See, no one really loves Paediatrics, I have to target residents to convince them to stay on my service. I talk it up, show them exciting cases and miracles. Cardiac carries a bit more, should I say it? Let's call it perceived credibility."

Soft amusement spread over their faces but they remained unmoving, untying and retying their hair, stretching sore muscles and tugging at shoelaces. "You're going to have to talk to Callie, just so we're clear. We did cover that, yeah?"

"I know," Arizona mumbled, finally standing. "And yes, before you ask. I do owe you a coffee."

"Was that a _thank __you_?"

"Coffee is the best gratitude."

"True, very true."

They disappeared out of the room, giving each other a slight wave as they went in separate directions. Arizona grabbed the first chart she recognised and opened it, focussing on the latest lab results and ignoring the few glances she was receiving from staff as they walked past. It was such a rarity for Arizona and Callie to bring their private lives to work; the years had hardly treated them well though their times of shouting at each other across a public walkway or busy ward could be counted on one hand. They were considered mature, intelligent and professional. They were respected.

**XXXX**

"You're in one piece; no stab wounds and no black eyes," Callie observed, slipping to the side of Teddy and leaning against the wall outside of the operating rooms.

Teddy laughed lightly, as if she was expecting Callie to find her at some point. "All bark, no bite. You know what Arizona's like."

Callie's eyes clouded over briefly, the smile slipping from her face. "She was a military kid, I wouldn't be so sure of that."

"Talk to her."

"I try; I've tried."

Teddy shrugged. "What would you say if I said that?"

"Try harder," Callie conceded. "She told you though?"

"Told me?"

"About the baby stuff; the pregnancy stuff."

Teddy nodded slowly. "I don't want to get involved, overstep things. Just talk to her Callie. I couldn't get her there, where she needs to get to. But you can."

Callie looked intensely at Teddy, trying to process the unsaid, confusion etched on her face. "Arizona trusts you, she doesn't really do trust," Callie offered, gratitude wrapped in a careful disguise.

Teddy smiled and nodded; the feeling was mutual. "She trusts you more. I would be worried if she didn't. And I'm not worried."

"You ever wish the universe would just be nice for a while?"

"Like you wouldn't believe."

"Me too."

**XXXX**

It was one o'clock in the morning and Arizona had finally run out of tasks to validate her procrastination attempts. She had scrubbed in on a surgery that Karev could have done with his eyes closed and she had written in charts when she had no updates, nothing of note to add. Her coffee consumption had escalated through the day and she was buzzing with an odd energy; frighteningly awake yet not really alert. Dazed almost.

She had skilfully avoided Callie all afternoon, politely responding to a few text messages that she had sent, asking where Arizona was and what time she would be home. Arizona had been annoying indecisive, vaguely describing what was holding her up; ending her message with symbols for a hug and a kiss, as if that excused her frustrating absence.

It wasn't like they weren't adept at managing the unpredictability of their surgeon lives, but since Sofia's birth and consequent failed pregnancies, they had become far more apt at balancing the essential with the optional. They placed more responsibility in the hands of their Residents and their identities weren't fed by the next ground breaking operation. They still loved the adrenalin rush of surgery and they never turned down an opportunity if at all possible; but ultimately, if it came down to choosing between family and work, the choice was simple. It was a big change for both of them and it had come gradually. A slow, progressive change in how they viewed the world and each other.

So when Arizona stood in front of her locker during the early hours of the morning, when she could just have easily have been at home in bed, she felt a complicated rush of guilt flood her. The confusion was messing with her head.

Slipping her scrubs off and into the laundry bin, she pulled a thick sweater over her head and a faded pair of jeans over her hips. Tugging her work bag out, she ducked her head for the strap to sit securely over her shoulder, adjusting the thick piece of material that crossed her chest. Pushing the bag behind her hip, she slammed the locker door shut and pushed her feet into a pair of ballet flats and strode silently out the door.

The walk to their apartment only took a few minutes from the hospital. It was still the same building and unit that Arizona and Callie had first lived in together. Every year or two they discussed moving, buying a house in suburbia with a back yard and an extra bedroom or two. But each time they dismissed the idea; reluctant to make the travel time from work longer when they didn't necessarily need to.

She entered the apartment quietly, slowly clicking the door closed and wincing as she turned the lock securely. Discarding her bag on the sofa, she drew her jeans off and left them hanging over the cushions, removing a hair tie and letting her hair fall down her shoulders. She checked quickly on Sofia, casting her eyes over her sleeping form before heading for their bedroom, flicking off the light that Callie had left on for her in the corner of the lounge. The door to their room was half open, which was mildly strange, they usually slept with it closed, so used to each other coming and going with various hospital demands.

Arizona froze in the doorway, her hand stationary on the wooden frame. Both bedside lamps were on and Callie was sprawled across the bed, an open laptop next to her and papers, books surrounding her. She was fully dressed, complete with dark blue jeans and a jacket, eye make up slightly smudged with dark lines below her closed lids. Arizona slowly padded around the bed on her toes, gathering up the papers as she moved. Tears pricked at the corner of Arizona's glazed blue eyes, each article title tugging a little harder at her heart strings. Everything from medical treatment options of infertility to causes of early pregnancy loss and dealing with the emotional fallout of miscarriage. The laptop carried similar messages, a number of windows open with informational and support based websites open.

Arizona placed it all on the dresser, rubbing at her eyes and forehead. Guilt, shame, and frustration…a kaleidoscope of emotions cursing through her, seemingly at will. She was so tired of feeling torn, of running a gauntlet of feelings with each passing minute of the day. She quickly turned back to the bed, knowing that if she hesitated too long she would find herself sleeping on the sofa. All she needed was a few extra minutes to convince herself that leaving Callie to sleep the remainder of the night away, fully clothed and occupying the entire bed, was in her best interest.

So she challenged herself. She knelt to the side of the bed, reaching to run her fingers through the thick dark locks and over her shoulder when Callie barely stirred. "Call," she quietly prodded, gently shaking her shoulder. Now that she was closer, she could see the dried tear tracks and trail of smudged mascara tracing over her eye socket. It was almost as if it had stained her skin, a tattooed reminder of the hours she had obviously spent going through article after article. The tears flooding and then drying; torrential and then drought.

"Callie," she repeated, holding herself up on the edge of the bed and kissing her cheek. It's amazing how anger can dissipate so easily; the emotional rollercoaster certainly isn't a fallacy.

"Mmmm?" Callie stirred, eyes flicking open briefly and then closing again.

"You need to get into bed," Arizona urged, fingers rubbing gently over the brunette's shoulder.

"You're home," Callie commented, blinking.

Arizona narrowed her eyes and forced a deep breath. "Yeah, surgery. Sorry."

"What time is it?"

"Almost one thirty, it's late."

"Oh; late. I must have fallen asleep."

Arizona stood and sat on the edge of the bed, tucking strands of Callie's hair behind her ear. She gasped suddenly, gaze falling on the almost empty bottle of gin on the bedside table. "You've been drinking," she stated softly.

"You didn't come home. You got mad and then you didn't come home."

"So you thought you would drink your body weight in gin?" Arizona shot back quickly, her voice a little harsher than she intended.

Callie recoiled at her words, shrinking back into the pillows behind her. "You're still angry."

"I'm not angry, Calliope. I'm not." Each word was spoken too carefully, the forced control explicitly evident.

"Liar." Callie spat out, pushing away the soft hand that tried to grip her own.

"Hey!" The blonde snapped her head up, standing and pushing at the side of the bed with her knees. "Unfair. That is unfair."

"It's true," Callie retaliated, pulling herself into a sitting position, knees tugged up to her chest and arms wrapped around her shins. She stared at Arizona, her eyes glassy and bloodshot, her mind still blurred with barely metabolised alcohol. "Don't lie to me. Don't ever lie to me."

"I'm not mad. I'm mad when you accuse me of lying but otherwise, I was just coming home to sleep."

"What do you know about being open and honest?"

"What the hell did I apparently lie to you about? You're drunk, you don't even know what you're saying."

"Do you know how I spent this evening?" Callie was suddenly wide awake and with liquid courage, was quickly escalating. "Searching Arizona. Searching every bloody thing that I could find to try and figure out how I can do this again. How I can forget _everything_ so that you're off the hook. So that when you came home tonight and said you wanted to take back…take it all back, then I wouldn't fall apart. Because it's your choice, right. It's your choice. But Christ, you lasted all of a day, before you were going to take it back. So screw you. Screw you."

Arizona gasped for air, she felt like she had been punched into the stomach; a tight fist that had been forced against her abdomen and stole the air from her lungs. "Still not fair. I haven't said anything."

"Exactly. You haven't said anything of substance, just some crap. Picking a fight in the middle of the ward."

"And you're not picking a fight right now?"

"Get out."

"What?" Arizona murmured quietly, hair falling across her eyes and pulse racing.

"Get out, go back to work. Just get out."

"You want me to leave?" she asked, fingers sprawled over her lips, slightly ajar and suddenly dry.

Callie's features softened and she brought two hands up to her face, pressing heavily into her palms. "I don't know; I don't know. I don't know what to do."

They were silent; Callie sobbing quietly into her hands and Arizona, standing motionless to the side of the bed, sucking in short, urgent breaths. "You're wrong," Arizona said eventually with her voice barely audible. "And you don't get to tell me to get out, especially when I haven't had a chance to speak."

"Then speak Arizona, what the hell are you waiting for?"

She mutely stared back at Callie, not knowing what to say or how to say it. "Not now, not like this," she whispered, after a prolonged silence.

"Are you waiting for an epiphany? What is it that will make you actually talk?" Callie's voice was so muffled and the words were slightly slurred, merging together in a long drawl.

"Oh I don't know, sobriety?"

Callie continued to cry, disinhibited and raw. Rationalism disregarded amongst the intoxication. "I don't want you to go."

"And I don't want to talk about this now, not after…that," she responded, indicating to the bottle next to them.

Matted dark brown hair tumbled over her shoulders as she wept, her entire body shaking. "Okay," she rasped out.

Arizona continued to stand idly, helplessly watching her wife on the bed in front of her. She had somehow brought the most incredible smile to Callie's face the night before and now she had caused the devastating extreme. And she wasn't sure how to change it, what to do next. She wasn't taking back her offer…her option; but there was collateral. There were details to add, fears to somehow convey. She needed Callie to hold her hand, wrap her arms around her waist and whisper encouraging words in her ear.

She didn't need this. Whatever this was. The scene in front of her was nothing short of traumatising.

"I can sleep on the lounge…" Arizona said faintly, trailing off as Callie shook her head strongly.

"No," Callie wheezed out between rushed intakes of air.

"Right," Arizona accepted, kneeling on the bed and shuffling towards Callie. "You need to get into bed," she continued, tugging at Callie's arms whilst she pulled at the jacket. Callie dropped her hands to her lap and allowed Arizona to manipulate her body, tears still running down her cheeks.

"I should say that I'm sorry."

"And I shouldn't?"

"I'm not sure we're doing so well."

"We're doing fine, Callie. Life isn't simple."

"I'm crying."

"Yes, you are. Haven't I ever told you that you are _not_ a good drunk? You cry, you jump to conclusions and you are exceptionally unhelpful when getting undressed…"

Callie shuddered, a hybrid of a laugh and tearful snuffle. She reached down and unbuttoned her jeans, pushing them awkwardly down her thighs before Arizona tugged them off the ends of her feet and threw them across the room. "I just want a hug," she whispered, eyes tracking Arizona. She crawled under the covers when her wife lifted them on the opposite side of the bed to where she was positioned.

"Callie…" For a brief moment, Arizona wished she had stayed at work, camped out in an on call room and remaining oblivious to the horrific mess that was laying wounded and exposed in front of her. Especially whilst she had her own wounds barely covered, band-aided so to speak.

Still, she twisted her blond curls into a knot at the base of neck and climbed into bed next to the foetal form. It's what you do when you're married; when you're committed and desperately in love with the person you've chosen to spend your life with. You take the broken pieces and you superglue them together; you replace the anger with affection, because the misplaced fury is only masking hurt anyway. And when your inebriated partner is inconsolable, because you've screwed with the universe, then you lay beside her and envelope her in your arms. What no one knows is that you slip her hands around your own back, knowing her fingers will claw at your sweatshirt and pull you tighter. You trick yourself into feeling safe and you weep into her hair.

And you are an idiot. Because she would have held you hours ago, before the gin and before she drank herself into thinking you're going to take away her dream. Dispose of _your_ dream, just because you're scared. Fear couldn't be an excuse, not this time.

**TBC…**


	6. Chapter 6

**AN:** Can't thank you all enough for your lovely reviews and comments. You're very generous and I do hope I can continue to interest you all as this continues. I have a feeling it's going to go on forever! No, not forever, but there's certainly a lot to go. :-)

I hope you can keep sticking with me and continue to let me know your thoughts and opinions.

I apologise for not having had a chance just yet to respond individually to a couple of really lengthy reviews…I'm getting there! But I do (so much) appreciate the time it takes for any comment, let alone a long one.

And for those who care, I still haven't gotten around to my Christmas shopping. The crazy people with shopping trolleys in narrow aisles, who use rolls of wrapping paper as weapons freak me out. God I hate the festive season!

Oversharing? *grin* On with a somewhat lengthy part…

**Part 6**

With sleep filled eyes and twisted pyjamas, Sofia padded her way into the room, turning the door handle and silently entering. Her hair was characteristically sleep filled, one side completely flattened and the other, a knotted mess with pieces twisted in all directions. She certainly enjoyed her sleep, even if she squirmed more asleep than during her waking hours. She was quite horrific to share a bed with, kicking as she tossed and turned through the night. Fortunately, she only got to have one of her parents in her single bed when she was sick and wouldn't settle; even then it was often a short straw process. In fact, any favouritism was virtually non-existent, unless you counted the person who was holding a candy bar or ice cream cup.

Sofia was apt at climbing, two hands gripping at the duvet cover as she pressed her face into the material and crawled a knee up the side of the bed. Then she shuffled forward, nose and chin still inching against the bundled sheets. Once she was on and had her balance, she rested back on her feet and silently assessed which of her mothers she was going to wake first. She decided on Arizona, who was closest to her and curled on to her side with her hands tucked up under her pillow. Sofia rubbed at her eyes with her fists, leaning forward to crawl over Arizona's calves so she could slide up in the vacant space between her and Callie.

Arizona stirred immediately at the familiar sensation, allowing Sofia to climb completely over her before opening her eyes. Sofia grinned wildly, impressed with her success. Arizona drew a hand from underneath her and held it out, Sofia tumbling into her and fighting with her toes to claw underneath and to the warmth. "Good morning," Arizona whispered, hugging her daughter tightly against her chest.

Sofia grinned again, shaking her face and snuffling her nose against Arizona's exposed skin, just above her sternum. "Hi Mama," she responded, her voice hoarse with sleep and a deliberate quietness.

"Did you have a good sleep little girl?"

"Yes." Her forehead creased as if trying to remember anything significant from her night, though as usual there was little to report. "Was it a big sleep?"

Arizona cast her eyes at the clock and nodded, guessing that Sofia had managed ten hours of uninterrupted slumber. "Big," Arizona answered, eyes widened and smiling enthusiastically. "Should we rest some more? Mommy is still sleeping." She could tell from the frequent rise and fall of Callie's chest that she had woken and was lying still, probably listening intently. Callie had often said it was the favourite part of her day, lying idle as Arizona and Sofia carried on a morning conversation, usually the same questions and comments combined with an unrelenting affection. Sofia was so busy usually, running from activity to activity and with an abundance of energy that she seldom settled in for a long cuddle; but the mornings were different. And after her midday nap as well, she took a little while to wake up and was more than content to settle into someone's arms or lap.

Truth be told, it was often Arizona that Sofia woke up first, if they had the opportunity to sleep in. Arizona gave her quick smiles and clear eyes whilst Callie provided her with tight hugs and mumbled words, usually trying to capture just a few more minutes of light dozing. So Callie waited just a little before slowly rolling on to her back, ignoring the slight pounding in her head as she let her cheek drop to the pillow, watching Arizona and Sofia whispering to each other. "Is that the sound of an awake Sofia?" she asked deliberately into the air, earning a muffled giggle from the child tucked against Arizona's chest. "Surely not, it has to still be night time."

"Na Ah," was the distinct response, hands pushing on Arizona's shoulders as she struggled to get into a sitting position. She faced Callie with her legs spread out in front of her so her feet nudged at Callie's side, leaning back into Arizona's stomach. "It's morning time, Mommy. Don't be silly."

"Mmmm," Callie answered, rubbing at her eyes. "Silly Mommy, of course it is."

Sofia wiggled her feet thoughtfully, fingers curling into her mouth. "No work today? No Daddy?" she asked, knowing that work meant day care or some quality time with her father.

Callie looked panicked for just a moment, lifting her head to seek out the time and to orientate herself to the day of the week and her roster. Arizona answered quickly, running her fingers up and down Sofia's back and into her messy hair. "Not today, we're at home today." A looming run of nights meant Arizona had until the following evening off and if her memory was serving her correctly, Callie had just worked nine straight and was due for a couple of days off.

Callie relaxed as Arizona spoke, the rush of adrenalin that she briefly had dissipated; she didn't need to roll out of bed and rush to the hospital. She could almost taste the grande sized coffee she would need to accomplish that task.

Sofia clapped loudly and released a small squeal; days with them all home always meant some sort of outing, an adventure of sorts. Callie and Arizona had realised early on that their opportunity for completely free days for the three of them was going to be fairly rare. This meant that they always took Sofia out somewhere, even if it was just a short trip to the park or a playground. Other times they planned a full day, packing a picnic into the car and heading off, driving aimlessly until they found a national park or somewhere that looked remotely interesting.

Both Callie and Arizona lapsed into silence, unsure of where they were at and whether a full day together was likely to end in tears or tantrums. Not that they would be from Sofia.

"What would you like to do, Miss Sofia?" Arizona eventually asked, digging a couple of her fingers lightly into Sofia's side. She giggled immediately, arching her back and letting her head drop over Arizona's hip, hands flailing.

"I have to think," she responded carefully, as if it was the most important decision she would make during the year. "Maybe a park with a swing? And a slide?" she asked, rolling on to her stomach and lying between Arizona and Callie, chin on her hands.

"A park, hey? With a slide _and_ a swing? That's a big ask," Arizona teased lightly. "What do you think Mommy?" Callie smiled involuntarily at the question, aware the Arizona was drawing her slowly into wakefulness.

Callie dramatically held an index finger to her chin, raising her eyes and staring at the ceiling as if in deliberation. Sofia waited impatiently, kicking her feet and starting to wiggle; pushing her body closer to Callie's t-shirt clad abdomen. "Mommy!"

"What? I'm thinking, you can't rush me when I'm thinking."

"Think quicker, kay? I'm waiting."

Arizona giggled slightly and shared a briefly familiar glance with Callie. It's ironic that under natural light and with some sleep, they both feel less broken; less fragmented. "I think," Callie began slowly, drawing out her response. "That after a nice long shower and some of Mama's yummy scrambled eggs for breakfast then maybe, if it's nice and sunny outside, we could go to a park. And perhaps, we could pick Mommy up an enormous real coffee on the way."

Sofia froze all of a sudden. "Is it sunny outside?"

Callie and Arizona shrugged in unison, watching in amusement as Sofia hurried to climb down off the bed. She still used the same strategy they had taught her when she was just learning to walk and climb, rolling over on to her tummy and sliding off the bed feet first. She rushed to the curtain, disappearing behind the drapes before calling out. "Oh yeah, the sun is playing!"

"The park it is then," Arizona said softly, tentatively reaching across the vacated spot between them and trailing her hand down Callie's forearm. She slipped her fingers into Callie's and earned a squeeze in response. "You feel up to it?" she asked gently.

Callie nodded. "Yeah, I'm fine. Nothing some food and coffee won't fix." She drew her hand away and sat up slowly, hanging her feet over the side until the soles came to rest on the solid floor. "Thanks," she added over her shoulder.

"How about you shower and I'll get Sofia dressed. Once you're out I'll whip up some eggs."

"Sounds awesome," Callie responded, deliberately using one of Arizona's frequently used phrases.

As she entered the bathroom she heard Arizona bantering with Sofia, soft laughter emanating as she tried to convince her daughter to snuggle in bed, just for a few minutes longer.

**XXXX**

The drive was fairly uneventful, just the sound of Sofia chatting easily, announcing the different things she saw as she watched out of the car window. She had recently advanced to a new booster seat and was relishing the wider view she had, regularly declaring that her sister could have her old restraint.

Arizona drove quietly, sipping on the coffee that they had picked up not far from home. She listened to the soft music they had playing, a radio station for once rather than one of Sofia's child entertainment groups, content to leave Callie to talk with Sofia, now that she had woken up and was more energised.

They drove for over an hour, heading towards a lake just at the beginning of a national park, south east of the city. The same loose plan applied, if Sofia got bored of the driving then they would stop somewhere remotely scenic but today she was too content to be bothered. Callie had packed some goodies for a picnic lunch whilst Arizona had showered after breakfast. Or as Callie had announced, Sofia had chosen various items from the pantry.

Callie and Arizona were yet to carry on a conversation with each other, bar a few polite and easy sentences; very aware of the intently attentive child listening to their every word.

Eventually, Arizona pulled into a vacant car park adjacent a small playground. Signs indicated that a path to the side of the play equipment, led to a small lake, a few warnings about wildlife and swimming erected at the entrance. Arizona unclipped Sofia and tugged sneakers on to her feet, tying the laces tightly in double knots before lowering her to the ground. She hovered around their legs, long since been disciplined to stay close to them unless given permission to leave. Callie reached into a cooler bag and handed her a juice box and a peeled banana, a small snack before she excitedly ran around the different play options. She consumed it quickly, pointing excitedly at a slide and ladder, her mouth half full with the chewed fruit. They both nodded in acknowledgement.

"All finished?" Callie asked, earning a shake of the head as Sofia sucked on the remaining liquid through a straw. She held it out and shook the box, proving that it was in fact, now empty. Bending her legs, she placed her hands on her knees and glanced expectantly from Callie and Arizona and back again, not quite ambitious enough to request them to _hurry up_.

"Off you go Sofia," Arizona said, indicating to the playground as they walked to settle in under a large tree with a couple of rugs to spread out. "Call out if you want a swing and keep your hat on." Sofia jumped on the spot briefly, tugging the cap down on her head that Arizona loosely tossed over her ponytail. Running off, they both couldn't help but smile at their daughter, long pink pants matched with a brown and pink long sleeved top. It had a bright pink love heart at the front of her shirt, little cupid arrows dangling off the corners of the heart and they bounced as she rushed towards a small climbing tower.

"Please give us ten minutes before she wants a swing," Callie declared, flopping down on one of the picnic blankets, removing her shirt to roll up under her head and leaving her in a thin strapped tank top as she lay down.

"That drive seemed to take forever," Arizona added, sitting cross legged next to Callie, where they both had an eye on Sofia, who was no doubt excited to have the place to herself. It was one of the advantages of shift work, days off during the week when the malls and parks were so much emptier than the weekend or public holidays.

"Sofia enjoyed it though, how much better does she like the new seat."

"I think she can actually see out of the window and at everything we're driving by. She used to have to try and look through the front windscreen."

"Not that there was much to look at but she liked it. Can't complain hey? And it's so quiet here, I like it."

Arizona smiled and nodded. "Me too. Speaking of quiet, did your coffee help the hangover?"

Her cheeks blushing a crimson red, Callie nodded. "I wasn't too bad. I think, I don't know, maybe," she muttered, stumbling over the words and rolling so her eyes could gaze at the blue sky between the large branches.

"Sorry," Arizona replied quietly. "I didn't mean to make everything all serious."

Quietness settled between them, just the sound of Sofia babbling away and leaves rustling. She was happily entertaining herself, repeatedly using the slide, occasionally stopping to spin the naughts and crosses game underneath. "Drink?" Callie asked after a while, sitting up to mimic Arizona's position and unzipping the cooler. "We've got water and Diet Coke."

"Ah," Arizona hesitated for a moment. "Just water I think, hydrate after that triple shot coffee."

Callie smiled and passed her a bottle, stopping to run her knuckles over Arizona's skin, from her shoulder to just over her elbow. Arizona glanced up, untucking her legs and leaning back on her hands, waiting as Callie clearly debated the articulation of thoughts racing around her head. "Tell me if I'm wrong but we seem to be really sucking at communication lately." Callie pushed the words out quickly, tearing her eyes away to focus on Sofia's adventures in the playground.

Arizona considered her words carefully, forcing herself to relax. "Maybe. I suppose. We've had a _really_ crap year."

"Sometimes I think we're doing okay but then, sometimes I think we're just taking it out on each other. Which we shouldn't."

"Like yesterday," Arizona conceded.

"Yeah, like yesterday. Both of us of course, I'm not blaming you."

Arizona shrugged; it didn't really matter because she blamed herself. For a lot; more than she probably should. "I'm not angry, just so you know. I wasn't even really angry yesterday, not with you anyway. I was just…stupid." She gave a light, nervous chuckle; _stupid_ was hardly a word she used to describe herself on a regular basis.

"Yeah well, I chose to drink gin – which by the way is far better in a martini than on its own. Hardly an intelligent decision."

"Cut our losses and call it a day of crazy?"

Callie drew in a quick breath, this was Arizona doing what she does to cope; she pushes and pushes herself until she reaches a limit and blows in some manner. And then she hurries to move on, to try and forget her moment of weakness, which is how she sees it. "There's a bit of a problem with that concept…" Callie said softly, keeping her voice light and even with her face relaxed.

Arizona panicked internally, and in comparison to Callie, her features portrayed nothing but anxiety. "What?" she asked quickly.

"Well," Callie began, turning her face to look down at Arizona briefly. "There's this really annoying thing, where I'm unbelievably in love with you. And I have this vision of us being ninety and sitting in a nursing home, watching some terrible trivia show and holding hands. We would be arguing over the name of some bone or tendon, trying to recall our glory days of ruling the OR. But I worry, because you're all…you're doing this disappearance thing and I wonder if we'll ever make it there." She exhaled slowly, stopping herself from rambling incoherently, though she feels as if she could just talk on and on.

"You would always get the bone and tendons right, I wouldn't have a chance," Arizona said softly, one dimple creasing with her half smile. Callie offered her a polite, tension alleviating laugh. "I'm not going anywhere, really. I don't know how to convince you of that."

Brown hair tumbled side to side as Callie shook her head. "That's not really what I meant. I meant disappearing in other ways…more emotionally I guess. Not to sound like some therapist or anything." Arizona remained silent, shifting her elbows to even her weight distribution, eyes still locked on Sofia, who waved every now and then to acknowledge their presence. "I always feel like I'm guessing at what is going on for you Arizona, and I think I get it wrong a lot. Particularly at the moment, I'm not as good at it as I used to be, before this year happened."

"You don't have to guess, Callie."

"Then I miss so much. I've always kind of prompted you, when it's clicked that something is bothering you. But I haven't had the energy or the…maybe the insight? I've been focussed on myself, I know that and you kind of made it easy for me, easy for me to ignore what was actually happening with you too."

"I hate so much, what all this has done to you. Not _to_ you, but you know what I mean. The last year has just been awful. I love you so much and I hate everything that has happened to you." And the words that remain unsaid, the phrases that she can't find the strength to utter. _And it hurts to breathe._

They fell into a brief easy silence, both watching their daughter explore with endless energy. Arizona squirmed in her place, stretching her elbows out and replacing them back where they held her weight. Callie untangled her legs and rolled on to her knees, scrambling across the rug and tapping at Arizona's shoulder. "Here, lean back on me," she offered, sitting with crossed legs again and tapping at her lap. She pressed the shirt she had taken off earlier into her legs and Arizona slowly let herself relax back as Callie spread her blonde hair out over material covered thighs.

"Thanks."

Running her fingers rhythmically through Arizona's hair, Callie sighed. "Tell me what it's been like for you." It was a statement; an instruction of sorts and Arizona took her time to answer.

"It's been hard watching you."

"Watching me?"

"Yeah, not knowing what you need or want. Not knowing what I can do to fix things for you."

"I get that, but what about you though? What has it been like for you?"

Arizona shrugged. "I'm not sure I know how to answer that." Callie didn't respond, just continued to play with the blonde hair in her lap. She had asked Arizona a question and she would answer eventually. "Watching you in hospital was tough, it was like I was back when we had the accident. When I almost lost you and Sofia."

"But you didn't."

"I could have; things could have ended so different. And just sitting and waiting, not having any control on what's happening."

"Sometimes it's easier to be the patient, don't we always say that at work?"

"It wasn't easier for you."

"How do you know?"

Arizona's face flushed suddenly, a heat running up her neck and over her cheeks. _How did she know?_ "I don't know, you told me; you said you couldn't do it again. Things don't get worse than that."

"Maybe they do. What was it like for you?"

"Callie." A high pitched shriek distracted them momentarily, Sofia having discovered that she could slide even faster with her hands and feet held in the air. They both clapped at her and Sofia grinned with pride. "It's you that has been through everything, not me. First with Sofia and then the implantations that didn't take. And then the two that did, you ended up needing D and C's. I didn't have to do any of it."

"Oh yeah, not at all. You just had to sit by and watch me lose it; pick me up and put me back together." Uttered with gentle sarcasm as if highlighting Arizona's dismissal of her own role; her own grief.

"I wanted to do that. And needed to I suppose."

Callie started to knead her fingers into Arizona's neck, subconsciously working at the muscles, keeping a cautious eye on a very vocal Sofia. Callie was barely aware of her movements, focussing only on her thoughts and questions, how to phrase in a way that reflected exactly what she was trying to say. "Do you know what I need?" Arizona raised her eyebrows in question. "I told Teddy yesterday that you trusted her, I think I even thanked her. And she told me that you trusted me more," Callie said quietly, slowly articulating. Arizona nodded, moving her neck against the pads of Callie's firm fingers. "The thing is," Callie continued, "you don't seem to at the moment."

"I do," Arizona responded quickly, exhaling a heavy sigh and letting her eyes close in a prolonged blink. "I really do," she added to emphasise.

"But?"

"No but; I've just wanted to look after you and protect you. Isn't that my job?"

"Then what is mine when you don't let me return the favour?"

The comment struck a cord, and they let another long silence drift over them. Sofia ran over briefly, tipping her pink drink bottle to her mouth and gulping several mouthfuls of water. "You hungry, Sofia?" Callie asked and earned a strong shake of the head, lips still wrapped around the pop top style bottle.

"Not yet," she replied with a wide grin. "Still playing." Words couldn't describe how much she enjoyed being outside, exploring and running around. She spent so much of her time indoors, whether it was at day care or in their apartment. And with the weather so unpredictable, even afternoons out were often spent getting a milkshake from a café or some children's jungle gym that cost a small fortune to access. She took off again, walking this time rather than running, her muscles starting to tire.

"Wish I had her energy," Callie muttered, letting her eyes drift down to Arizona's face. A few tears had trickled from the corner of her eyes, tracing a path over her temples and into her hairline, absorbed by the untied blonde curls. Callie withdrew a hand from underneath Arizona's head, pressing the pad of her thumb to the edge of the crystal blue eye that wasn't quite meeting her gaze. She felt the slight wetness on her skin before returning her fingers to weave in Arizona's hair.

Callie patiently waited, stealing glances at Arizona between keeping a watchful eye on their daughter. Arizona seemed to be deliberating, opening her mouth to speak and then shutting it again, swallowing her words. "I just wanted to make sure you were okay, that was my focus."

"And I am okay."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah. Are you?" Callie watched Arizona moved her head against her legs; _no_. "What can I do?"

It's a difficult question to answer and for Arizona, it was near impossible. She didn't even remotely know the answer and even if she did, she couldn't recall the last time she had needed to ask for help so directly. That said, she could barely remember an occasion of feeling this lost. Even the time she spent in Africa; the solution was never ambiguous, it was so simple. Even coming back, again as complicated as things were, she had something to focus on – convincing Callie to accept her unrelenting apology and adapting to Sofia's conception. "I honestly don't know," she offered, not bothering the wipe at the regular cascade of salty tears trailing towards her ears.

"How about we forget about having another baby for a while?" Even as she said the words, Callie's heart raced and she felt a lump in her throat. It's the last thing she wanted to dismiss.

"I don't want to forget. I just need to catch up a little, it's hard to explain. It's like I do want it; really want it. But there are all these bits and pieces that aren't on board and I start to feel so out of control."

"Explain it to me…please?"

Arizona nodded, lifting herself slightly and shuffling back, her shoulders falling against Callie's knees and her head against her pelvis and lower abdomen. "I look at Sofia and between you and her; I've never felt so completely in love. I don't think I ever thought I would end up with all of this. And for a year, I've envisaged two replicas of you running around out there, not one. I can even see a little pale, blonde kid being led around by her big sister." Callie blinked away the tears that gathering in her lower eyelids as she watched Sofia walk from one side of the park to the other, imagining her towering over a petite, blue eyed little girl with their hands securely locked together. "And that image Calliope, it makes me smile. It really really does. So then I try to imagine myself walking in to the clinic, through the automatic doors and up the elevator. Then I can't breathe. I can't seem to stop myself from wanting to be sick. I don't understand it." She was exasperated, frustrated at herself and her entire body quivered, ever so slightly.

Callie waited, quietly letting the words and sentiments sink in; desperate to show Arizona how important she and her thoughts were. "It makes sense though, I mean, it's kind of scary stuff. No matter how much you want it."

"You were excited by it, you couldn't wait to start. Don't you remember?"

Callie nodded her agreement. "Yeah, at first I suppose I was. But it's different for you, especially now. It's not like we had this brilliant experience."

"I can't freeze at the door though and I can't yell at the staff just because I'm freaking out."

A sudden thought overwhelmed Callie, a realisation almost. "Am I with you? When you think about going to the first appointment?" Arizona visibly shuddered, the images that flashed across her vision were completely isolating. She was standing in front of the building, immobilised and hugging herself tightly, arms folded and pressed against her stomach. "Am I holding your hand, like you were with me? Remember what we did?"

Arizona nodded vacantly, her blue eyes glazed over. "We stood out the front, talking about how it might not work. How we wouldn't expect everything to be perfect the first try."

"Which was kind of important, right? I mean, look at how right we were."

"Yeah."

"I will be at every freakin' appointment; every injection, every scan, every blood test. Just like you were with me; telling me constantly that I wasn't responsible for the outcome." _I love you, Calliope Torres; not just your uterus._

"I know."

"But it won't make any difference if you're not open to it, Arizona. When I hold your hand, you can't pull it away. When you're stressing and I ask you what I can do, you can't just say that you're fine."

"I know." The repeated response was whispered, barely audible amongst the chirping birds in the surrounding trees. Arizona had images and thoughts rushing around her mind. With just a few words and a couple of sentences, Callie had challenged Arizona's internal dialogue and frightening projections. It's such an incorrect assumption, that just because you're married that you always feel half of a whole.

"What's the worst thing that could possibly happen?" Arizona shrugged, _I could lose the baby_. "What worst haven't we already done?" Callie added, knowing exactly what Arizona was envisaging. "I can live with it not working, I can spend the rest of my life comfortable with the fact that we tried so hard. But you have to be okay with that too."

"I'm worried that I won't be able to live with not being able to give us a baby," Arizona confirmed, eyes again filling with tears and they tumbled down her pale cheeks, slipping under her jawline. "I would rather you hate me for not trying than to try and fail."

This is where their personalities differed so remarkably. Both perfectionists, both exceptionally stubborn and driven; yet their ability to externalise responsibility couldn't be further apart. Callie could immerse herself in the losses, whether it were work or her personal life, and allow herself to succumb to the anguish, but somewhere in the back of her mind, was a confidence that she had done all she could. She hadn't compromised; she hadn't given less than she needed to. For Arizona, the lines were so blurred; she couldn't separate herself and look at her role objectively. And If she were there and part of the issue, than she was accountable.

Callie snaked her hands over Arizona's shoulders and down her arms, shadowing her forearms until she could lace her fingers over the blonde's. She ducked her head, resisting the sudden urge to envelope Arizona and press urgent kisses to her cheeks, where tears were threatening to fall. "Did I fail?"

"What? No."

"Do you hate me?" she asked softly instead.

"No…no no," Arizona rushed out, aware of Callie challenging her irrational cognition. "But I'm it, I'm our last chance."

Callie shook her head, leaning forward so that Arizona pulled away from her and into a sitting position. Unfolding her legs, Callie slipped them to either side of her wife and crashed quickly against Arizona's back, arms around her. "You're _a_ chance; not our only chance."

"What if it doesn't work, Calliope?"

"Then it doesn't work."

"I want it to work."

"Me too."

"But what if it doesn't?"

"Then what we have is enough. You, me and the hurricane that is on her way to us, is enough."

Arizona looked up, Sofia running towards them, hat in her hand and leaves stuck to her shirt. Her face was reddened and a slight sweat spread over her forehead, hair matted from the cap she had obediently kept on. "Having fun?" Callie asked first, their bodies jerking as Sofia tumbled into Arizona.

"Yes," she informed them, falling back on her knees in between Arizona's legs. "Lots of fun here." She observed them after that, taking in Callie's smile and Arizona's weepy expression. "Mama," she stated, leaning forward and raising a grubby hand to Arizona's mandible. She looked innocently at Callie, her forehead creased as if questioning who was responsible for Arizona's distress.

"Gentle," Callie instructed, well aware that Sofia could struggle to contain her enthusiastic affection. Callie was told at day care one day as she picked her up, that Sofia, fascinated by infants, had insisted on giving one a kiss. She had forgotten, in her keenness that it wasn't a good idea to lean on the baby's stomach in the process. She had apparently burst into tears when the infant had released a curdling scream.

"Crying," Sofia observed, looking at the now wet dirt on her fingertips.

Arizona offered a small smile, brushing wayward hair out of Sofia's eyes as Callie settled her chin on her wife's shoulder. "How about big cuddles for Mama and then some yummy lunch?"

Sofia didn't bother answering, standing up and falling on to Arizona's legs, relying on Arizona to catch her and pull her tightly against her chest. She wrapped her arms around the blonde's neck, one hand reaching into Callie's hair and the other around Arizona's shoulder blade, just below where she rested her chin, mimicking Callie's action. "Ah, excellent cuddles," Arizona whispered, fighting against another swell of emotion.

She felt Callie's breath at her ear just before she heard her barely perceptible words. "I love both my girls, just as they are."

The tight hug lasted only a few seconds before Sofia untangled herself and stood up. "Yummies?" she asked, licking her lips.

"Pull me up little Miss," Arizona instructed, wiping at her cheeks and holding a hand out to Sofia. Rising to her feet, Arizona smiled, the slight tug on her hand more of a hindrance than help. She turned and offered her arm to Callie, watching Sofia step over the rug and towards the cooler that was sitting on the grass. Locking a grip around each other's wrist, Arizona stepped back and hoisted Callie to her feet, barely allowing her time to balance before pressing her body against the brunette's chest.

Callie wrapped her arms around Arizona tightly, swaying slightly. With Arizona's forehead pressed against her pulse point, Callie lightly kissed against her scalp. "We'll talk more," she whispered, knowing that Arizona was drawing in some calming breaths.

"Yep," she responded after a moment, drawing back and offering Callie a dimpled smile, her blue eyes marginally clearer. She stepped away and headed towards Sofia, who was standing with her hands on her hips, intolerant of the brief wait. "First, we're cleaning you up before you even think about touching food, Sofia," Arizona muttered, always amazed at her child's ability to spread dirt from head to toe.

"Need a wipe, Mama," she replied confidently, pointing to the children's backpack they used to transport Sofia's necessities – a change of clothes, wet wipes, sunblock, bandaids.

"You absolutely do," Arizona agreed, crouching to unzip the bag as Callie started to spread some containers out over the picnic blanket.

Sofia allowed Arizona to scrub at her hands, arms and face; though her eyes jumped from the playground to the food that Callie was revealing. "Will you push me after?" she asked, one hand pointing to the single swing that was gently swaying with the breeze.

"That's a big kid swing, Sofia," Callie interrupted, noticing the lack of a toddler's swing restraint.

"I'm big," she declared in response, arching her back and squaring her shoulders in evidence.

"Mmm," Callie answered, waiting for the day that their adventurous child fractured her wrist, likely from climbing on something designed for ten year olds. "Maybe you can share with Mama first; I'll push."

Her lips curled into a surprised 'o', eyes sparkling before she nodded eagerly. "Kay," she agreed. "Awesome."

Arizona dropped her face, squeezing her eyes shut and trying to hide the laughter; Callie didn't bother to cover hers, tipping her eyes to the sky and shaking her head. "Oh no, it's started!"

They shared a grin over Sofia's head as she sat down and picked up a sandwich square, taking an eager bite when she noticed the peanut butter filling. "Is that awesome too, Sofia?" Arizona asked, teasingly.

"So awesome," she answered, straight faced.

Callie rolled her eyes heavily._ "Mi hija…Mi hija."_

**XXXX**

**TBC…**


	7. Chapter 7

**AN:** Sorry for the delay in getting this part up! I just had a very nice few days away and catching up with friends before what is going to be a crazy working festive period.

Thank you…thank you…thank you…thank you for the continued reviews. You are very lovely to me.

I apologise if there are some proofreading errors (more than usual) in this part, I've managed to fly back home this morning and then do an eight hour shift and finish this part off. It's late...and my eyes are sleepy. :-)

On with the part…author's notes are boring, right? :-)

**Part 7**

**XXXX**

Ships passing in the night, that's what the life of surgeons were like sometimes. A graveyard shift; an early call in, schedules in parallel. Callie and Arizona left telltale messages around the apartment, some deliberate and some subliminal. It was the coffee cups left in the kitchen sink, red lipstick around the rim that indicated Callie's presence. And the empty yogurt container in the trashcan, signified that Arizona had clearly had breakfast that morning. And then there were the sticky notes, messages on the fridge that reminded each other of shifts, missing grocery items and important play dates. The most comforting though, was the slight warmth that could occasionally be felt when slipping under the covers, the whiff of familiar body oils such a pleasant reminder that they were in fact, still living somewhat symbiotically.

What it did mean however, is that just under two weeks passed before Callie and Arizona were back on an even keel, schedules finally matching with a couple of days off before they stumbled back into matching day shifts. For Arizona, waking up close to midday with Callie's arm draped over her middle seemed like a foreign sensation. At some point, Callie had finished work and returned home; quite possibly oblivious to the fact that Arizona had completed a two hour surgery after midnight, having been called in for an emergency splenectomy in an eight year old child post a trail bike fall. In her sleep fuelled haze, she had placated the general surgeon from a small rural hospital transferring the patient, assuring him that she would be ready and waiting when the chopper landed.

At least it had been a brief call in, she had even checked on the emergency room before she left; content to drive home when it appeared quiet. Relieved that the sun had not appeared at the horizon, Arizona slipped back into bed. She always found it much easier to return to sleep when the illusion of night was still apparent.

Callie returned home a few hours later, donning a black eye mask as dawn approached. She had fallen quickly asleep though, not having had an opportunity to secure even a brief snooze during her final overnighter for the month. And the luxury of being able to snuggle close to her wife had suddenly felt like a novelty, carefully sharing Arizona's pillow in her moment of gratitude.

Feeling Arizona moving against her body, Callie slowly found herself losing her grasp on sleep. "You're squirming," Callie muffled after a few minutes, curling her fingers against Arizona's side, tightening her hold.

"Sorry," Arizona whispered in response, stifling a laugh at Callie's appearance. She had the eye mask still in place, long pieces of tangled hair sticking out in all directions around the elastic. "Go back to sleep," she instructed softly, not knowing what time Callie had finished work.

"Hmmm." Nuzzling her face into Arizona's neck, Callie shuffled her body closer, inhaling. "What time is it?"

"Twelve, what time did you get in?"

"Oh," Callie acknowledged in surprise, she would have guessed only an hour or two had passed since she had slid beneath the covers. "Six…crap night. Really crap."

"Yeah, I was in too. Meredith ran past me at some point, muttered something about joining you in OR one."

Callie shuddered slightly. "Multi-trauma, didn't make it out of surgery."

"Yuck. My kid did. I could have waited for you to get out if I had known."

"Seemed like we were in there for hours; he was only a young guy. Bled out, femoral and aortic, it's not like he stood a chance."

"Motorbike?"

"Of course. Always is."

Arizona rotated her hips slightly, rolling her lower body to mould against Callie's. "Timothy used to ride a bike, I was an intern when he was just getting into it. I used to tell him on a weekly basis that he was an idiot."

Callie smiled against the skin of Arizona's neck, cheek bones pressing into her jaw line. An unsolicited, conversational disclosure, seemingly being expressed without a rush of heightened emotion or anxiety. "Boys and their toys," Callie acknowledged. "Did he ever come off it?"

Arizona offered a short laugh, almost a scoff. "Apparently once, he did his clavicle. He didn't tell me until three weeks later when I went to hug him. I was visiting for a few days."

"He probably figured he'd get a lecture."

"He did…and a long one at that."

"I'm really just being nosy but what did he do before enlisting? Or did he go straight from school?"

Callie focussed her attention on Arizona's non-verbal communication, awaiting the usual physical withdrawal when questions tugged at something deeper. Arizona's body remained still under her touch, breathing even and words rolling off her tongue, without seconds of preparation. "No, he went to college first, did a science major and considered transferring into med. But he was too restless, wasn't entirely sure on what he wanted to do. He was really smart, much more than me; he was training to be in some elite special forces thing. I don't really know the details. It was his third deployment and his first two, he just came home and acted the same. I never got it. But to him it was his job, it wasn't anything more than that, somehow he wasn't traumatised; not that I knew anyway. He just switched off, went back to being a son, brother, partner."

"Third? Wow, I didn't know that."

"Yeah, in some odd way he enjoyed it. Gave him the purpose he never had although he hated that he kind of followed in Dad's footsteps. Dad spent Tim's entire adolescence telling him that he needed to serve his country."

"Sounds like my mom telling me to go into law. Although that was never gonna happen." Arizona giggled childishly, she had heard Callie rant on a few occasions about her mother still being bitter about her career choice. It fortunately had paled into comparison after her lesbian revelation. "So, did Timothy have a partner? Do you still talk to her?"

This time, Arizona's body tensed, her fingernails scraping lightly over Callie's skin as she curled her hands into fists. She exhaled slowly. "Yeah, he did."

When Arizona didn't elaborate, Callie gently enquired, "Nice girl?"

Callie felt nodding against her forehead. "Lovely, really nice."

Again, it was such a short and concise response. "Sorry," Callie apologised. "I'm just being nosy now aren't I?"

"No," Arizona offered her, shifting her body to establish just the barest of margins between them. "I don't know, it's a bit complicated. I haven't spoken to her in a long time; I have heard that she's engaged again. Tim and her were engaged but hadn't set a date."

"That upset you?"

"No," Arizona repeated again, her answer more definite, stronger. "Not at all actually. Can't ask the poor woman to sacrifice her entire life because she loved my brother. That would be completely unfair."

"Right, so the complicated part?"

"Would be complicated," Arizona finished quickly. "Anyway, morning on," she insisted gently, given her abruptness. "Actually, now that we're in the same room together for more than five minutes for the first time in two weeks, I wanted to ask your thoughts about something."

Callie raised her eyebrows and murmured a reluctant encourager, extracting herself rom Arizona and rolling on to her stomach. She pulled her pillow under her chest and hooked her elbows over the padded material, chin on her hands. "Go for it," Callie muttered, aware that she was clenching her teeth, molars clamped together.

"I just was thinking, well, I thought that maybe Addison could recommend someone else to do our fertility treatment. If we have someone new, someone else, then it's a bit like starting afresh." What she didn't mention was that she still couldn't conceptualise walking into the same clinic that they had entered so many times before. And if she was struggling with the idea of continuing to go back, how could Callie manage it?

"You want to go with a new facility?"

"Kind of. Is that okay with you?"

Callie shrugged. "It doesn't bother me, whatever makes it easier for you. Will it?"

"Maybe," Arizona said, a coy smile spreading across her face.

"What's with that look on your face?"

Shrugging, Arizona played with the duvet cover that was pulled up to her armpits. She had made her decision and she was tired of constantly playing conversations and scenarios through her head. Whenever she had a few spare moments, she found her thoughts tangentially drifted until she had managed to convince herself that any attempt at carrying a child was going to end in disaster. She was annoyingly predictable, her anxiety building with each irrational, impossible to control, projection. "Can we not give me any more time? Time is really not working for me when it comes to this."

"You want to get started? Did I understand that very confusing question right?"

"Yeah, is that okay?"

Callie hesitated. They hadn't had a chance to talk further, since the day they spent with Sofia in the park, and Arizona's blatant avoidance that morning didn't fill her with confidence.

She hadn't known Arizona when Timothy had died, presumably one the greater losses in her life. And Callie could only interpret Arizona's often reluctance to talk about him as an indicator for how she managed after his death. Not that she talked about that time in her life either, seldom anyway, and the few times she had over the course of their relationship and marriage, Arizona had diverted the conversation as soon as tears pricked at the corner of her eyes.

How would Arizona react if pregnancy didn't work for her? Would she become an inconsolable, emotional mess or would she completely withdraw?

"Callie? Is that okay with you?"

Jerking her eyes back to focus on Arizona, Callie couldn't quite get her thoughts to catch up with the expectation to provide an answer. She wasn't thinking quickly enough. "Of course," she involuntarily responded instead. "I'm ready when you are."

"Do you think Addison could recommend someone?"

Callie nodded, dropping an arm to drape over Arizona's chest. With her elbow just above Arizona's naval, her forearm fit snuggly between the blonde's breasts. "I can call her, no problems. She'll probably want to talk to her friend from LA, the one that used to run their fertility service. She's somewhere else now though. I should check my phone actually; I think she's in Seattle at some point…can't remember when. I'm catching up with her for coffee."

"That would be good," Arizona responded, smiling. Those dimples were always the death of Callie; they just melted her within a heartbeat. Her imagination, if she allowed it, could run wild with the idea of Arizona's biological children running around. She tried not to play out settings in her head; images of Christmas or Easter mornings with Sofia and her dimpled sister running pyjama clad through their apartment. It was her little protective strategy, trying not to get completely emotionally attached to a future that they really had no control over. Arizona laid her hand over the hand below her neck, pressing her thumb into Callie's palm. "You still sleepy?"

Callie shrugged, tightening her fingers and gripping around the base of Arizona's thumb. "I'm okay. I'm not losing my mind, Sofia's with Mark, right?"

Arizona grinned and nodded. "Not sure how we'll cope if we need to keep track of two. But yeah, for another two days. I saw them late yesterday afternoon, she was very excited, Mark was going to take her swimming today."

Callie groaned slightly. "He better wash and brush her hair properly, chlorine is not good for the Torres hair."

"She'll have fun…we can always deal with her hair."

Rolling her eyes, Callie pulled the pillow out from under her arms and relaxed her face into it, turning her head so that her cheek pressed flush against the cotton cover. She let her eyes drift closed occasionally, her fingertips drumming melodically against Arizona's skin. She varied at will, oscillating between tapping gently and faintly stroking at her sternum.

After a few relaxing minutes, Arizona sighed heavily. "I like that," she said softly, her hand still resting over Callie's.

Smiling, Callie tilted her head and kissed Arizona's shoulder, playfully rubbing her nose against the smooth skin almost an emulation of Sofia's actions a couple of weeks previous. "I missed you this week," Callie murmured. "I hate not seeing you or sleeping next to you."

"Me too," Arizona concurred, slipping her hand away from Callie's and moving it down her side until it came to rest against Callie's thigh.

Returning her mouth to the curve of Arizona's shoulder, Callie danced her fingers over the swell of her wife's breasts, as if attentively exploring each minute area of the milky skin. She knew Arizona's body incredibly well, having long since mapped the sensual areas from the platonic to the comforting. And she knew that when she dipped the end of her fingers under the neckline of Arizona's tank top, the she would earn a slow exhalation of air, stroking precariously close to but not touching her sensitive nipple. "Two weeks is a long time," Callie said suggestively, hooking a foot over Arizona's shin in response to the fingers working over the inside of her thigh.

"I know." The simple two words oozed seduction with Arizona's voice slightly husky and low pitched. She found herself sliding down in the bed slightly, her palm cupping Callie's sex without warning. Hitching her breath suddenly, Callie licked her lips and closed her eyes, gaining momentum as she withdrew her hand and slipped it completely under the obstructive material covering Arizona's abdomen and breasts. Her movements were quicker and slightly less tender, thumbs grazing until Arizona's nipples formed erect peaks. "Callie," Arizona whispered, the base of her hand pushing just below Callie's pelvic bone.

She didn't receive a response for a few moments, just the sound of laboured breathing filling the air. "Tell me you don't want or need to stop for some reason…"

Arizona laughed lightly. "Nope. Nope," she repeated as Callie worked to push her tank top over her breasts.

"Then what baby?" Callie asked, one hand involuntarily falling to Arizona's wrist just below her hip, encouraging the actions.

"Baby?" Arizona asked jokingly, aware that her movements were creating a direct friction at Callie's clitoris through her panties. They didn't really do nicknames and tended to roll their eyes at stereotypical and infantile names that couples insisted on using for each other, though they were both known to mutter varying terms of endearment during sex. That was in addition to the harsh expletives that were seldom uttered at any other time, except for an intense argument or a heated experience at work.

"Yeah well, you do that and I get to call you baby." Callie muttered, releasing a slow, drawn out moan.

"I was just going to say that you have too many clothes on…" Arizona finally responded, removing her hand and sitting up, smiling at the annoyed groan Callie murmured at the loss. "Don't complain, just get undressed," she instructed, discarding her top before lying back and pushing her underwear down her thighs, kicking them off her feet and into the sheets at the end of the bed.

Callie rushed to remove her own shirt and panties, hastily grabbing Arizona around the waist and pulling her to lie on top of her. "I've so missed you," she repeated, pressing a hand to the back of Arizona's neck and seeking out the heat of her mouth. Their tongues pushed into each waiting mouth, flicking against each other; lips swelling as they're sucked heavily. Arizona gradually let her full weight fall onto Callie, reluctant at times to lay unsupported against her wife's firm and stunningly full body. Callie encouraged it however, frequently wrapping her arms around Arizona's waist, tightening her hold until she felt her collapse on top of her, breasts pressing together and hips grinding.

"Calliope," Arizona articulated, forcing a break in their heated and unrelenting kiss.

"Arizona," Callie responded, tipping her hips when Arizona giggled, a slight vibration occurring. "I so want you right now."

Arizona moved slightly, straddling one of Callie's legs between her own but keeping her upper body firmly pressed against the body under her. She pushed herself up with on arm, using her other to hold one of her own breasts in her hand. She focussed quietly, Callie immobilised and watching intently as she pressed their nipples together, first moving in tight circles. Feeling her arousal pool suddenly at the sensation, Arizona exhaled, trying to keep her breathing even. "Mmmm," she managed to articulate.

Callie responded with an eager moan, hands snaking around Arizona's hips and gripping to her firm round gluteal muscles. "Do the other," Callie instructed, using pressure to push Arizona's lower back, so that her slender hip pressed directly into Callie's core.

Eagerly obeying the request, Arizona continued her ministrations with their other breasts. Suddenly aware of Callie pulling and pushing at her body, she started to ride the firm, dark skinned thigh between her legs. "I think it has been a while…" Arizona stuttered, a tingling warmth spreading across her pelvis.

Callie met her eyes, blinking continuously, pupils dilated and irises glazed with arousal. Her mouth was slightly ajar, barely responding when Arizona sucked at her lower lip. "Sorry," Callie gasped suddenly, her two hands seizing Arizona's hips and holding her away from her body.

"What?" Arizona responded quickly, frowning. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing's wrong," Callie blurted out quickly. "I just don't want to come yet," she explained with a shrug.

"Why the _fuck_ not?" There was no anger or frustration, desperation perhaps or bewilderment.

Callie blushed, her already flushed cheeks reddening as Arizona pushed away her hands and returned to her position, continuing her rolling movements with a slowed pace. Callie groaned loudly. "I know I'm, well, worked up, but I'm not usually this…" she trailed off with another strong guttural growl, "this quick."

Arizona lowered herself until her cheek pressed against Callie's, her breathing coming in short sharp bursts against her temple. "In thirty seconds," she whispered into Callie's ear, dark brown locks of hair moving slightly with the rush of air. "I am going to come whilst _fucking_ your leg," she stated strongly, rolling the obscenity off her tongue with a slow and deliberate emphasis. Callie closed her eyes and opened her mouth to moan, but only a barely audible strangled whimper was expressed. "Are you going to come with me, Calliope?"

"Yes."

"We'll be slow later. Okay? Slow is for later."

Callie nodded, eyes now squeezed shut and face contorted in concentration; she was holding on. Waiting. "Fuck," she muttered, hoping the word might have a similar effect on Arizona to what her language had just a moment before.

Arizona shifted her arm suddenly, her hand forming a tight grip around Callie's bicep, fingernails pressing into the skin. She could feel Callie starting to convulse under her, back arching in an attempt to sustain a heavy weight against her clitoris. There was no penetration, just the friction and pressure from a wet thigh; arousal having progressively gushed from their entrance.

A few more quick movements pushed Arizona tumbling over the edge, her toes curling first before she tipped her head back and cried out. Dropping her body heavily onto Callie, her thigh muscles gripped at Callie's leg, holding it tightly as she continued to roughly buck her hips. It was enough to prolong Callie's climax and she moaned heavily, moving her hands to claw at Arizona's back and into the messy blonde hair.

The part where inhibitions are lost and self consciousness isn't an issue, is often the immediate aftermath of an orgasm. It was the brief moment when Arizona would collapse against Callie, face pressed into her neck as she gasped for air and her full body weight wrapped beneath Callie's arms. Her stomach muscles relaxed, her shoulders loose and her legs limp, completely vulnerable and submissive in that fleeting few seconds.

Quickly lost though, Arizona raised her chin and exposed her much-loved dimples. She fought against Callie's hold and eventually settled for just sliding half of her body to the side; her body weight then shared with the mattress "I like it when you're all hot and sweaty and collapsed on top of me," Callie whispered.

Arizona shrugged, shyly turning her face into the curve of Callie's shoulder, nose poking at her armpit. "I don't like it," she murmured childlike, her voice high pitched and whining slightly.

"I know," Callie conceded, tapping her fingers over Arizona's spine. "Just reminding you that _I _like it."

"Yeah yeah."

"Hey…I like to think that you trust me like that."

Arizona shrugged and quietness settled over them, both aware that they probably should have been getting up, showering and attempting to complete some errands. Still, they laid stationary, fingers sprayed out over skin, soothingly caressing in an easy, slow paced pattern.

Callie, at times couldn't comprehend her wife's complexities. Lying completely naked and wrapped up in a post sex haze was to Callie, one vulnerability that she had struggled to overcome. It was Arizona that slowly coaxed that side of her out, insisting very early on, that they didn't rush to put clothes back on. That they could sleep entangled, nothing but skin between them until morning forced them into reality. Or they could wander around the apartment in various states of undresss, get a glass of water or go to the bathroom. Robes were unnecessary unless guests were occupying their spare bedroom.

To Arizona, it was nothing; body image was barely a concept in her reality. People were as they were, every muscle, every curve, every expression told a story. Why would someone be ashamed of that? And to her of course, Callie was nothing short of stunningly beautiful. She could stare at that body all day, including the scar that evidenced her at one time, precarious hold on life.

It was control really; her inability, bar the heat of the moment, to lie motionless and locked in Callie's arms. It wasn't about trust – although maybe it was. Perhaps it wasn't that complicated; just a respect for that fact that her body was an adult one and she liked Callie being able to breath. They both wondered at times, if they analysed too much, internally at least, for Arizona.

"So, you know how I said that things with Timothy's partner were a bit complicated?" Arizona eventually stated, breaking the comfortable silence. At some point, Callie had tugged a sheet over them, drifting into that pleasant half dozing state of semi-awareness.

Nodding, Callie murmured a quiet, "Ah huh."

"It's complicated because I haven't really seen her since Tim died."

"Okay."

Arizona hesitated only fleetingly, opening her mouth to continue twice before rushing the words out. "I had been going to have their baby; be a surrogate for them. We were going do it when he was next back home."

Callie responded with an audible gasp; hands stilled mid stroke. For so many years Arizona had resisted the idea of children at all and then later on, the notion of carrying a baby herself. Heat rushed to Callie's cheeks, a pulse of adrenalin coursing through her. "They couldn't have children?" she asked quietly, the only coherent question that she could articulate. She had an immediate need to raise her voice, accuse Arizona of once again, failing to disclose something important to her; her history.

"No, they tried of course but weren't able to. And wouldn't have been able to. I didn't want it to be a surprise for you, when I explain that I've had all the tests done before, that I already know everything is in working order so to speak."

"You went through pretty much the whole process?"

"Yeah, it was just a matter of waiting for him to get back."

"And he didn't come back," Callie added softly, feeling a small swell of sadness compete with her frustration.

Arizona quivered slightly, pushing the rising emotion away. "Yeah."

"You should have told me." Maintaining a deliberately quiet, almost monotone voice, Callie returned her fingers to pad lightly over Arizona's shoulder blade. She traced the contour of the bone, slipping her hand underneath the blonde hair, undefined curls covering her wrist.

Removing a hand from Callie's chest, Arizona rubbed at the bridge of her nose before tucking it under her chin. She swallowed at the lump in her throat, successfully regaining composure. "You're upset at me?"

"No," Callie muttered a little too strongly, her expression a clear contradiction to her response. "It's just important Arizona. It's something else that you've kept from me."

"I know." Arizona went to continue, unsure of whether to defend herself or admit defeat, yet again.

"And I get that you're trying, I can see that, I really can. I feel bad, like I've pushed you so many times over the years; where if I knew this, maybe I wouldn't have pushed. Or I would have been gentler, more understanding. I can't work with what I don't know."

"It's not deliberate, you know. I'm not consciously thinking that these things are huge secrets that I have to keep from you. But I'm sorry, I should have told you sooner."

"Years ago. You should have told me years ago, before we argued over having children in the first place. If I had known…" Callie trailed off, remembering vividly that angst caused by their short separation, an incompatibility in goals for the future.

"If you had known, you would have tried to fix me."

"I at least would have been more understanding and patient. We could have avoided having to use a crazed gunman to get us back together."

"But after that it wasn't really relevant. There was no reason to make a big deal about it. And I didn't really do anything, just had some tests, scans and made an offer that was never needed."

Arizona lifted herself on her elbow, pushing away from Callie to lie back on a pillow, eyes gazing at the ceiling. She could feel herself getting defensive and she was well aware that she had no right to. Callie was more than correct; her instincts were precisely accurate. The first child she carried, should have been her brother's; a healthy and happy baby that would have made their entire family ecstatically happy. Then later, when Arizona was committed and ready, she would have had one too; and Timothy would have showered her with advice and attention. They would have had the occasional family holiday, just a long weekend away every year. Together, but miles apart, they would have raised their families with similar ideals and values. They would have shared opinions on the phone; emailed issues or concerns, and flew across the country for milestones.

It was different now. She was trying to create a new dream and it was one that she wanted.

"Right, so it was nothing? Not important at all?"

Arizona felt her pulse quicken, Callie's voice escalating in controlled frustration. "It wasn't nothing, it was just the past," Arizona answered softly, defeated almost.

"Yeah a past that can screw with our heads." Callie ran her fingers through her hair slowly, fingernails scraping at her scalp before she gripped at her thick locks. Arizona glanced sideways at her, quickly looking away; trying to blink away the tears that were threatening to well. "Everything suddenly makes sense."

"Please don't do that," Arizona responded quickly, her voice cracking. "Don't think that I'm some puzzle that you've just solved."

Callie hesitated, lowering her hands and tugging the sheet tight around her breasts and under her arms. "Okay, I know. I'm just frustrated."

"I'm sorry I didn't tell," Arizona whispered in response. "I'm sorry okay? Yet again, I'm sorry."

Sighing, Callie relented, the anger dissipating. She could hear the emotion in Arizona's voice, the tears that were probably falling silently out of the corner of her eyes and onto the pillow. It was more the size of Arizona's voice; it seemed so small and insecure.

"I shouldn't have brought it up today, but I wanted you to know. I missed you this week; I don't want you to be angry at me. I shouldn't have said anything." Callie was constantly asking her for more yet at times, more was too much. And the message it sent Arizona was the exact opposite to what Callie was asking for.

"I'm not angry," Callie insisted, rolling on to her side. "I'm not. And I know I sound like a bitch, you can't do much right, huh?" Arizona had adapted as much as she could to Callie's style of processing, the expression and reaction in the moment and then the quick externalised management. But Callie needed to meet her half way, allow her to catch up, to think and analyse before talking things through. And a lot of time had passed before she had met Callie, those things couldn't all be expressed when Callie wanted it or thought it relevant. That's not how Arizona worked.

Shrugging, Arizona swallowed at the lump in her throat. It didn't budge; cheeks wet. "It's relevant and I told you, I can't do anything else. I can't turn back time."

"And I want you to tell me, always. Maybe just give me a nudge when I'm being all canine like. Or more than a nudge if you like." Callie reached forward and playfully poked at Arizona's shoulder, an attempt to elicit a smile. She earned a half one, or just less than, just the smallest of twitches. "You caught me by surprise, I'm sorry. My reaction sucked."

"We were having a good morning…afternoon. Whatever it is," Arizona said quietly, wiping at her face.

Callie quickly caught her hand and tugged it away, pulling it against her stomach and curling her fingers around Arizona's forearm. She shifted closer; feeling exhausted after the short, yet intense conversation. Another emotional rollercoaster. Lifting her body, Callie sought out Arizona's eyes. It took Arizona a couple of attempts, preferring to quickly close her eyelids or shift her gaze to the side. Finally succumbing and locking her dull, fluid filled eyes on Callie's, she waited expectantly. "I am sorry," Callie articulated slowly, each word emphasised as she stared intently. "I'm going to take such good care of you, Arizona."

Arizona watched her silently, offering a small nod of acknowledgement. Sometimes she needed taking care of.

"You tell me anything at any time and if I'm all crazy, you tell me that too. Okay? I don't get to be angry with you for having a past, I just don't."

Finally conceding with a small smile, Arizona nodded. "Does that mean we can go back to snuggling?" she asked, the contrast of her tear stained cheeks and coy grin strikingly obvious.

"Yes, baby." Releasing her grip on Arizona's arm, Callie shifted her weight and position, opening her arms but staying on her side, inviting Arizona in.

"Again with the 'baby'?" she asked, melting into the embrace. Tucking her arms against her abdomen, Arizona pressed her body into Callie's, inhaling the scent of hours old body wash.

"Well, we can stay in bed all afternoon…and maybe another opportunity for me to call you that?" The statement expressed as a question.

Arizona nodded her forehead against Callie's sternum, pulling back slightly to respond. "All afternoon?"

"Definitely."

"Might need a bathroom break."

"That can be arranged." Callie laughed as she bantered quickly.

"Soon, but not yet." Arizona's voice was smaller suddenly and she curled back into position, her face disappearing amongst Callie's skin and the white cotton sheets that had haphazardly fallen around them.

As much as she hated it and as much as she resisted it, Arizona did need taking care of.

**TBC…**


	8. Chapter 8

**AN: **Just a short Author's Note to give my endless gratitude to the reviews, alerts and private messages. Really nice stuff, thank you so much. Almost makes me feel festive. :-)

This part isn't hugely long but it isn't really short either…hopefully something enjoyable for your to read pre-Christmas.

I do hope everyone has a nice holiday period and thanks again for continuing to stick with this story! You rock!

**Part 8**

**XXXX**

With a quick skip in her step, Arizona pulled the ball of feet in the air and slid down the corridor in her heelys, waving to the small children who glanced up to her in amazement. She held quite the reputation with the children and those wheeled shoes allowed her to build more rapport and trust in a few minutes than other staff achieved in hours of playstation time.

They were definitely worth the hassle and random injuries, generally the odd bruise or two showing up when she inadvertently failed to stop or take a corner gracefully. She currently had quite a spectacular one on her thigh, received when she reached for the door frame to slow herself, hitting the handle before she could effectively stop. It was an impressive colour, the outside a green tinge and the inside, deep purple and blotched with a lighter blue. And almost the size of a fist, it was sure to make a good impression when they went to the fertility specialist that afternoon.

Callie had spoken with Addison over a lengthy dinner catch up, and Addison had called in a few favours with an old friend in Seattle. They had managed to jump a year long waiting list, although it was going to cost them a fortune for the small but renowned clinic. But they had managed to get an appointment within a week.

Skating down the corridor, Arizona pulled to a stop next to the elevator, waiting patiently to go to the cafeteria where she had arranged to meet Teddy for coffee. She walked from there, entering the empty lift and pressing at the buttons to close the doors. Teddy was standing towards the head of the queue, concentrating on a bundle of papers in her hand as she waited to place her order. Arizona strode quickly to her side, glancing briefly at the seven people standing behind, staring accusingly at her and wondering if she was about to jump in front of them. "Large skinny cap?" she asked quietly, dropping a five dollar note on to the article that Teddy was perusing.

Teddy grinned and nodded. "Just don't tell the masses behind me, this line is moving at a snails pace."

"It's not hard, why don't they put on extra staff? People need coffee, it's like oxygen."

"In this place it's even more important than." Laughing, Teddy stepped forward and smiled understandingly at the frazzled barista. "A large skinny cap and a large soy latte, please." She handed over money and a coffee card, earning two stamps before glancing at it briefly and shoving it back in the pocket of her white coat. "Up to a free one next," she said to Arizona.

"It's the small things really isn't it?" Arizona teased, laughing. "So, how are you?" she asked, arms folded across her chest.

Teddy nodded slowly. "Good, good. Busy, you know. Always busy, off to Chicago for a conference next week; who knew Chicago was the place to go to announce 'ground breaking changes to pacemakers'," she said wildly, using one hand to make quotation marks in the air.

"And this is exciting?"

"Not really, but someone has to go from here. May as well be the completely unattached, no family, no ties, Cardiac Attending."

"Bitter?"

"Nah. God no, actually. You people in relationships constantly have dramas; I'm living the single life these days. Loving it."

"Liar," Arizona insisted lightly, eyebrows raised as she reached for their coffees, taking both of them and walking towards a table, Teddy following behind.

"Until Prince Charming comes knocking," Teddy said, sitting down, "and by knocking, I mean, literally presenting to my front door. He will of course, have a psychiatric assessment in hand, which deems him emotionally fit, without psychopathic tendencies and definitely no mother issues. He would have passed a panel interview, and you will be sitting on that panel by the way. And then, and only then, will I think about going out for a meal with him. Until that point, it's me and my Will and Grace marathons."

"Sad Teddy, very sad. You're turning into a hermit. A sexless hermit."

"That is the downside, I've got to admit. But I'm recapturing my solo days, there's much territory that's unexplored."

Arizona laughed and shook her head, shadowing her eyes with her hands in mock disgust. "Stop stop. You'll put me off my coffee."

"Oh you're getting prudish in your old age," Teddy muttered, rolling her eyes and settling back, crossing her legs and sipping on her drink. "So fill me in, your appointment is this afternoon, right?"

Arizona nodded calmly. "Yeah, four o'clock, we're getting off work a little early."

"Ah okay. You all good?"

Nodding again slowly, Arizona leaned forward, forearms on the table and fingertips fidgeting with the disposable cup. "Yeah, I suppose so. I'm ready."

"How's Callie doing?"

"Alright I think. I'm guessing it's going to be weird for her, kind of hard. She hasn't really talked much about it, though she's gone quiet the last day or two. Which isn't like her."

"It's got to be difficult doesn't it? She'll know exactly what you're going through." Teddy shrugged, her expression filled with sympathy. She wasn't surprised Callie had stepped back a little, she would be wanting Arizona to be positive and hopeful and she'd be reluctant to share her own negativity.

"Yeah, that's it. And occasionally I catch her just staring at me, this concerned look on her face. It's like she's expecting me to lose it at any time." Arizona tipped the beverage to her lips and sucked in the liquid, swallowing twice before lowering the cup.

"And are you?"

"Am I what? Losing it?" Arizona asked with a smile.

Teddy sighed lightly in return. "Likely to?"

Arizona, to her credit, considered the question. She allowed her gaze to drift to the side of Teddy, across a table and onto a painted wall. "I don't know," Arizona responded finally, meeting Teddy's eyes. "Maybe at some point. Depending on how it all goes. I do feel okay though, not that you or Callie are likely to believe that," she said, though her tone wasn't accusatory. "I am ready to do this and I think it is now or never. Wait, I shouldn't say that, because I don't know that for sure. But I need to do this now, I know that. And Callie knows the context, knows what my concerns are and all of that."

"Then that's good, yeah? If you're ready, you're ready."

"And if I fall apart, then I fall apart. It's not the end of the world. Right?" Arizona added the question as almost an afterthought; the hesitance and lack of certainty creeping into her consciousness.

Teddy nodded eagerly. "Absolutely. That would be normal, you know, that odd concept that we don't like."

Arizona rolled her eyes with a wide grin. "Normality sucks. I much prefer to wear my undies on the outside."

"Of course. Who doesn't?"

"God, we talk some crap don't we?"

"Not all crap. It just might sound like that from the outside; we know what we're on about. Reassure me though; you still have me on speed dial?"

"Speed dial Teddy? What is this, the nineties? You're almost top of my contact list though, it's alphabetised…naturally."

Teddy held her hands up in simulated defeat. "It was an expression. Just reminding you to call me, at any time." She returned to her coffee, taking a few long mouthfuls as Arizona did the same.

"Yeah, I know. Thanks," Arizona said, nodding. She liked the banter with Teddy, their ability to move from serious to joking and back again, seamlessly. Even in the teasing, there was often an ulterior motive and the meaning seldom went unnoticed.

"You're welcome," she responded. "Now, about this panel. I think we need to go over some interview questions for any prospective man. You know, some little scenarios and then he has to state how he would respond."

Arizona laughed loudly, cupping her hand over her mouth when a few staff members at surrounding tables turned to throw her a glance. "Like what? Your Surgeon girlfriend is late from work for the sixth night in a row, how do you stop from killing her?" Arizona, held her index finger out in front of her, smiling as she froze in thought. "Or, she hasn't come home in three nights, do you assume she's having an affair or completing life saving surgery?"

"Shush, that's not quite what I had in mind. You make me sound very undesirable. Lucky I like television…and ice cream. And wine. Perfect spinster material."

"Oh, stop the self pity," Arizona insisted, swatting at Teddy's arm from across the table. "We'll find you a man, a decent man."

"We?" Teddy said, chuckling. "How are you going to find me a man? At one of those lesbian dance clubs you and Callie used to go to? I don't think that's quite the scene."

"Oh we're so old these days. Out? Out is getting out of pyjamas to pick up Chinese. I was thinking more around here, there's got to be someone eligible and not emotionally stunted. What about oncology guys, they even work normal hours."

"You've met our Oncologists, yeah?"

Arizona smiled sheepishly. "What? They're alright…" Teddy raised her eyebrows and stared back at Arizona. "Okay, so they're a bit weird. It's a plan in progress, let me think about it."

"Forget it. It's just me and Jack from now on, and Karen. Man, they're funny. Hours of entertainment."

"Oh sweetie," Arizona teased, oozing fake concern. "We'll find you someone."

"Speaking of, I suppose I should go get prepped for surgery." Arizona nodded her agreement, drawing in a breath when she glanced at her watch, not long until she had to meet Callie to leave. "You'll let me know how you get on, what the plan is. Speed dial remember, speed dial."

Arizona nodded gratefully. "I'll see you tomorrow. I'll be fine."

"Of course," Teddy agreed, confidently. "Never in doubt, Ms Superhero."

They both laughed easily, trying to quickly down the remnants of their coffees as they stood and walked towards the exit. As they went their separate ways with a small wave, Arizona reached in to her pocket and pulled out of her phone. Bringing up her recent calls, she pressed at Callie's name on her screen and held the phone to her ear. "Hey," she said softly when Callie answered almost immediately. "Just about ready?"

**XXXX**

The appointment at the clinic was almost anticlimactic; and even though Callie and Arizona were prepared for the formality, they were still left with a heightened energy level by the time they were finished. Fortunately, the specialist who they were reviewed by was more than understanding of their occupation, previous experience with fertility treatments and that they had already made some decisions about how to proceed. So, they went about the motions, answering questions, undergoing some necessary scans and blood tests. All confirmed what Arizona already knew, reproductively, she was in perfect health. It validated what they had already discussed and decided, there was no reason that they couldn't proceed with an insemination rather than IVF.

Still, they were given a bundle of brochures and a folder of factsheets. Not to mention the fee schedule for the clinic and what rebates they may qualify for. The financial side of things was quite ridiculous, and Callie had spoken to Arizona numerous times over the eighteen odd months about the cost. Although they could manage it, they failed to see how anyone with a lower income could possibly afford the various treatments. Or worse, they were forced to withdraw after several failed attempts. It tugged at the heartstrings, the idea of couples having to dismiss or delay their dreams because they simply didn't have the funds.

With everything completed, they were sent on their way in just over an hour, an appointment card in Arizona's hand for three days time, where they would go over her blood test results and look at whether they would utilise an ovulation induction agent just to boost their chances. The success rates were low, although consistent with a natural conception, but it was the lower cost and less intrusive option. Which both Callie and Arizona were relieved about; the less trauma the better. They had started the same way with Callie, but after four unsuccessful attempts, they had tried IVF with Callie conceiving on the first try and then two failed cycles before again, she fell pregnant on the fourth.

The memories were strong as they walked from room to room, uterine exam to pathology; only this time, the roles were reversed. It felt surreal; almost dreamlike. And they were painfully quiet, responding with definite though short, simple sentences. They nodded in unison and held hands tightly, sighing in relief when they were finished, as much as the appointment had achieved little more than to validate what they already knew.

Walking out of the front door of the small clinic and down the elevator, they remained silent as they walked out to the front of the building and to the sidewalk. Callie stopped at a bench seat, releasing Arizona's hand to sit heavily down, running her fingers through her loose hair. Arizona slowly lowered herself next to Callie, turning her body so that she could slide her arm along the back of the chair and rest her open palm against Callie's neck. "You okay?" Arizona asked softly after a few minutes of watching cars drive past, the footpath void of people.

Callie nodded slowly, and then shrugged. She had no idea; so the answer was potentially _no_. "It was good, wasn't it? It's what we wanted, for there to be no dramas with you. Makes it easier; good."

Hooking a leg up under herself, Arizona kept one hand kneading at Callie's neck muscles and let the other rest on Callie's jean covered thigh. "I know it was hard for you," she acknowledged gently. "It was for me too," she added, almost as an afterthought, mentally reminding herself to be open and honest.

"I didn't want to get upset," Callie answered quickly, unshed tears glazing over her eyes.

Arizona smiled. "I know."

"Are you okay?" Callie's voice was so soft and she swallowed desperately at the lump in her throat. She lingered the pads of her fingers over Arizona's cheek for a moment, before dropping her hands to fall over where Arizona's rested on her leg.

Struggling with how to answer, Arizona entwined their fingers and stroked rhythmically at Callie's hand with her thumb. "I don't know," she eventually responded, smiling again, almost apologetically. "Everything was all just a bit messed up in my head. There were bits where all I could think about was watching you have that exam and then there were other moments, where I was back, years ago. When I had them before. It wasn't all bad, but weird."

"Weird?"

"Yeah…but okay. I didn't find it as difficult as I thought I might. There's something in expecting the worse, isn't there?"

Callie watched her, interpreting her non verbal behaviours. But Arizona remained solid, face relaxed and body stable; relieved perhaps. "You were worried?"

Arizona smiled guiltily. "Of course, you know that."

They were briefly quiet; Arizona unmoving as Callie's breathing became laboured. "I feel like we've had our fair share, that it's time that something worked out. Isn't it our turn?" Callie's voice was pleading and she squeezed her eyes shut and trembled once, shaking her head to try and clear the building emotion.

Arizona tensed the hand at Callie's neck and tugged, trying to get Callie to lean her body against her. Resisting, Callie opened her eyes and wiped at her face. "On the law of averages," Arizona said quietly, "we must be due for a win." She rolled forward and pressed a lingering kiss to Callie's hair.

"I'm sorry, that must have been…it must have been really crap for you in there," Callie muttered, trying to blink quickly to hide the tears.

"And _really_ crap for you too," Arizona responded, carefully validating the internal struggle she could see Callie having. She was exhibiting a style that was so characteristic of Arizona, trying to ignore and bury her own feelings in an attempt to support her wife. Only Callie was less practised and so much more externalised than Arizona, the emotion creeping in subtly and without a conscious decision. That was just Callie.

"I think I need chocolate," Callie muttered, smiling awkwardly, lower eyelids holding desperately onto pooling tears.

"Come on, we should go home."

Callie nodded, but she didn't move as she looked helplessly at Arizona. Callie seldom looked small, uncertain and hesitant. But in that moment, she was all of those things. "Mark has Sofia," she whispered.

Arizona nodded, confirming Callie's statement. "He knows we were picking her up after work, it's okay."

"I don't want to, not yet," she responded, biting at her lower lip.

Arizona narrowed her eyes, trying to read her wife. "I can call; ask him to keep her until the morning?" The statement was phrased as a question, seeking clarification from Callie that she understood where she was at.

"Please," Callie said, catching a couple of tears as they tumbled down her cheeks.

"It's okay," Arizona soothed, moving her hand from Callie's leg to wrap around her abdomen and firmly hold her side. "You kept telling me this wasn't going to be easy. I think you prepped me but forgot to tell yourself the same thing." Leaning her forehead to Callie's temple, Arizona dropped her chin onto her shoulder, kissing at the skin along the neckline of her shirt. "It's okay to be upset."

Callie nodded silently, relaxing against Arizona. "I was meant to be looking after you."

"Meant to be?" Arizona asked with a gentle giggle. "I've been worried about you all week, you've been so quiet."

"I'm never quiet," she gasped, a hint of amusement in her voice as she felt Arizona giggle softly on her shoulder.

"Exactly, freaks me out."

"You're doing this whole thing for us…I didn't want to make it any harder than it is."

Smiling slightly, Arizona pursed her lips and pressed a long kiss to Callie's collarbone. She could hardly challenge Callie's thinking; she employed the same philosophy, to their detriment most of the time. It's difficult to admit feeling frightened and anxious when the person you love is already petrified. "I know. But I'm glad we're doing it."

"Yep," Callie said, breathing heavily as she cried quietly. "You'll tell me what you were thinking about in there? When I stop blubbering…"

Arizona laughed, holding Callie's body tightly to hers as she bounced them slightly with her chuckling. "I will. But first we'll go home…preferably before it gets dark."

Callie sniggered lightly this time, sniffling loudly as the laughter morphed into a cough. "Fine, we'll go home."

Arizona waited a few seconds before releasing Callie and standing, holding out her hand with a dimpled smile. Callie took it and Arizona hoisted her to her feet, sustaining a tight grip as they walked towards the car. "Should we collect some dinner on the way?" Arizona asked, chivalrously opening the passenger door and holding it ajar for Callie to climb in.

"Chinese and white wine? Oh, and chocolate?"

"Absolutely," Arizona said in agreement. "I better have some wine while I can." Keeping the door open, one hand over the window pane and the other on the roof of the car, Arizona leaned in and sought out Callie's mouth. She held her lips in a deep kiss, flicking her tongue occasionally against Callie's.

"What was that for?" Callie asked breathlessly, rubbing her hands over her face to dry the remnants of tears as Arizona drew away and stood.

"Just a reminder that I love you," Arizona responded, keeping a lyrical tone to her voice.

Callie smiled genuinely for the first time in three days, sighing heavily and leaning back against the headrest, waiting patiently for Arizona to enter the driver's side.

**XXXX**

With an open block of chocolate between them on the bed, Callie and Arizona laid back and watched an old movie. They had spent years debating the pros and cons of a television in the bedroom, chill out time away from work and their daughter; bad sleep hygiene; a distraction to wind down after a shift; a precursor to a diminished sex life. Their inability to compromise had resulted in a television, having been purchased in a stocktake sale, sitting idle and unopened, for months. It wasn't until Callie had violently stubbed her toe on the box, tearing half of her toenail off that she had declared the war over. She had hopped into their bedroom, face red and eyes watering, declaring to an oblivious Arizona, _Put the freakin' thing up, now. Put it on the wall before I throw it over the balcony._ What had followed was an unrepeatable rant, expletives dripping from Callie's mouth as she sat herself on the floor, blood dripping down her toes and towards the arch of her foot.

Consequently, it was now bracketed to the wall and the remote control stored in Arizona's bedside table. In truth, they didn't watch it a lot; but both could certainly appreciate the benefit of a lazy evening, consuming dinner in bed with a bottle of wine. And catching the news headlines as they dressed for work as well; it provided a bit of a heads up as to any traumas that might have arrived through the night and be awaiting their expertise on arrival to work. The downside of working at a major trauma centre; watching the news and reading websites for the most recent road accidents or violent events, that signified more urgent work for the surgical service.

At that point though, they had left their empty Chinese containers in the kitchen and the remnants of a second bottle of wine had been poured into their glasses, now sitting on their bedside tables. The movie was halfway through, a fairly simplistic love triangle playing out which required nothing more than superficial attention to follow the storyline. Not that Arizona was interested but Callie had pleaded and begged until the remote was surrendered.

"Harley," Arizona murmured randomly, eyes half closed from where she was burrowed under the blankets. Callie was sitting up next to her, focused intently on the movie she was clearly absorbed in. "I like that name."

Callie screwed up her nose and glanced down, moving her arm to drape over Arizona's pillow, fingers scratching at her shoulder. "That's the name of a motorbike, honey," Callie said in reply, deliberately mocking Arizona's statement.

"Ohhhh." She barely moved from beneath the covers, obviously drowsy and on the cusp of sleep. "Whoops."

"Since when do we think about names?" Callie asked, scooting slightly down the bed and turning her body to envelope Arizona.

"Mmmm, it was on the movie. I heard it."

Callie shrugged, she had been completely enthralled and hadn't heard the name mentioned. "You're slurring; you're sleepy. You're hearing things," Callie continued to tease.

"Ugh. Not nice," Arizona commented, but definitely failed to disagree. She released her grip on the duvet and curled into Callie, inhaling her familiar scent. "Can we turn the lights out?" she asked, whining.

Callie just nodded and reached behind her to flick at the lamp next to the bed, gripping the remote and turning the volume down a few bars. Just the slight glow of the television lighting up the room. "Can I watch the rest of the movie?"

"Sure," Arizona agreed, holding herself up on her elbows whilst Callie repositioned herself back against the bed head before glancing expectantly at Arizona. Callie smiled easily, watching her wife settle in against her body, one arm wrapped around her pelvis and her head sharing the pillow, forehead pushed heavily into Callie's shoulder. "Big day," Arizona offered, Callie's dark brown eyes following as Arizona fidgeted herself into position.

"Yep, it was." Agreeing, Callie ran her fingers through the blonde hair, massaging her scalp as Arizona's eyes drifted immediately closed. "You did good today," she whispered down to the barely visible face and earned a slight smile, the corners of Arizona's mouth tugging.

"We; we did good."

"Mmm," Callie mumbled. "As hard as it is, I'm so glad we're trying."

"You're okay?" The words were asked in a low, almost distant voice, Arizona's arm becoming heavy and limp where it lay across Callie.

Callie found her fingers and entwined their hands, continuing to press lightly at Arizona's head, the motion soothing and lulling her into an exhausted sleep. Dropping her chin to her chest, Callie whispered in response, "Eli Timothy…that's a name I like." She felt Arizona's hand grip at hers and only seconds later, the rise and fall of her chest was rhythmic and deep. Callie settled back, quietly salvaging her moment of contentedness; a nineties romantic comedy playing quietly and her wife's soft curves pressed intimately against her.

For the first time in a year, they had dared to put a tangible part of their fertility treatment into existence; breathed life into the unspoken. It was terrifyingly hopeful.

**TBC…**


	9. Chapter 9

**AN: Sorry for the delay in getting the next part up…busy time of year! **

**Thanks heaps, so excited to still be getting reviews and new author/story alerts. Makes me a very happy little writer (or motivated at least!). I do hope you're still interested in reading this! :-)**

**On with…**

**Part 9**

**XXXX**

"What else Mama? We've got plates and cups and napkins," Sofia asked, sitting up on the kitchen bench and pointing towards the table. She watched as Arizona cooked, concentrating on following a recipe for a delicious lamb green curry that Teddy had once made for them. Callie had loved it and occasionally commented that they should get the recipe but they had never gotten around to it. Like most things, it was just a brief thought that was quickly forgotten in the chaos of life, work and being a parent.

Looking up at Sofia, Arizona continued to use a wooden spoon to stir a mixture of herbs in the pan, having created a curry paste from scratch. "I think that's all we need. Can you think of anything else?"

'Nah ah," Sofia answered, shaking her head. "Mommy's gonna be so excited that we cooked for her, hey?"

"Oh yeah, absolutely."

"We never cook for Mommy do we? Mommy cooks for us," she declared, eyes wide and nodding as if confirming her own statement. "Can you cook Mama?"

Arizona laughed lightly, rolling her eyes at her daughter. "Yes, I can cook, you little cheeky monkey. Who makes the best bacon and eggs for breakfast?"

"But that's easy. Breakfast is easy to cook. You're following the…you're following that." Screwing her nose up, Sofia pointed to the recipe, scrawled out on a piece of paper in Teddy's messy handwriting.

"I'm following the recipe, Sofia. The recipe tells me what to do and it's going to be super yummy."

Sofia giggled. "Super," she mimicked.

"Yep, then you're going to have a big sleep and tomorrow we might…go to the park?" Arizona declared, forcing her voice into an excited whisper at the term 'park'.

Nodding, Sofia grinned. "One with a gigantic swing so I can go higher than I ever did. 'Cause I'm big now, so I can go high, hey Mama?"

"Oh…yes. You're like, ready to go to college, you're so old," Arizona teased, dropping the spoon to the side of the pan and tickling Sofia briefly. The months passed so quickly and only two weeks earlier they had celebrated Sofia's third birthday. At some point, almost buried beneath wrapping paper, boxes and a range of noise producing toys, she had decided that she was a _big girl_ and had stated it loudly with her hands on her hips. They really thought nothing of it, just smiled and nodded but that evening when they put her to bed, she had refused her overnight diaper. Although she had been potty trained for over a year, she hadn't been predictably dry overnight. But she had made her decision and stubbornly insisted until she was put to bed in her favourite princess knickers. And amazingly, they hadn't had an accident yet. It also meant, that whatever activity they chose to do, Sofia would declare with the utmost confidence that she could do anything now, as she was in fact, a _big girl_.

"Can I stir?" she asked, eyes focussed and expression serious. "I won't touch, 'cause it's really hot and I won't spill any."

Arizona nodded, using one arm to reposition Sofia closer to the pan but still safely sitting on the bench top. "Okay, nice and slowly like Mommy taught you. You stir, while I get the next ingredients." Sofia concentrated heavily, slowly moving the spoon around the pan, generally catching all of the forming paste as it simmered slightly under low heat.

"When is Mommy coming home? I want Mommy to put me to bed."

Arizona smiled, it was a well rehearsed strategy that Sofia frequently tried to use to delay going to sleep. "Soon, but remember; Mama's got to talk with Mommy tonight, so we've got to get you tucked up in bed sleeping. Remember, Sofia?"

She scowled but nodded. "Yeah, when I wake up we'll go to the park. I 'member. Is it a good talk?"

Grinning, Arizona nodded; standing and watching Sofia use the large spoon expertly. She spent quite a bit of time with Callie in the kitchen, slowly learning new skills and a definite love of food and cooking. Her hand eye coordination was fairly impressive, whether she was in the kitchen or running around playing with a ball, she had great timing and awareness. "Yes it is. Now, do you think we're almost ready to add the lamb?"

Sofia hovered the spoon over the pan, waiting for Arizona to provide her next instructions. "Baaaa," she said, giggling. "Lambies sound like baby sheep. Yum Yum."

Arizona stifled a sudden laugh; they were hardly raising their daughter to be a vegetarian. They were once at a restaurant when Sofia was just starting to form words and as an entrée of steamed duck was served, Sofia had announced at the top of her lungs, _quack quack._ The waiter froze, as if unsure of what to do next, having professionally placed their plates down and quietly rattled off the full name of the dish. The tables surrounding them had glanced in their direction before dissolving in laughter. It had been internally filed as a story for Sofia's 21st birthday speech. "Yep," Arizona answered in agreement, "lamb is yummy."

"What if it's cooked before Mommy gets home?"

"Well," Arizona started to explain, "Mommy called and said she's leaving work soon and we're just going to brown this lamb and then add the milk. Then, it's going to sit here nicely cooking while we get you in bed. And by that time, Mommy will be home and dinner will be ready. Sound perfect?"

Sofia shrugged; there were a few too many steps for her to be fully interested. "Okay," she agreed. "I got my jammies on already. And I brushed my teeth."

"Yep, you're pretty much all ready. And how about, I put you in bed and then go and make sure I'm all pretty for Mommy and then, I'll come back and read you a story." Sofia nodded her agreement and Arizona smiled slyly. She knew that after a few minutes in bed with all the lights off, Sofia would be sound asleep, having lost the fight to stay awake until Arizona returned to read her a book.

Arizona went about finishing with the lamb, adjusting the control so that the creamy liquid would simmer gently. She lifted Sofia to the ground, sending her off to use the bathroom whilst she glanced around the room. The table was set and by turning the dimmer, she would quickly create a more intimate atmosphere. Her stomach churned a little, a slight anxiety seeping into her consciousness without Sofia to easily distract her.

The previous six months had been challenging but stable. Their work lives had been uncomplicated and the arrangement they had with Mark for shared parenting had been progressing without issue. Sofia spent a majority of her time with Callie and Arizona, but Mark saw her multiple times a week and made sure to have her for at least one or two sleepovers. They were yet to reach a care decision that they couldn't find a consensus on and when it came down to it, Mark generally trusted Callie and Arizona's opinion. They were the ones that researched day care and schooling options; as well as the most appropriate activities for Sofia's age and interests. The only issue they had ever really clashed on were religious affiliations with Arizona and Mark conceding that baptising Sofia was something that Callie needed and wanted to do.

They continued their fertility treatment and had completed five insemination attempts without any significant outcomes. Four were completely unsuccessful and one provided them with the slimmest of hope, but was quickly depleted. They persisted though, as Arizona continued to respond well to the oral ovulation agents and her predictable body clock meant disruption to her life was very patterned and manageable. Still, the phone call from the clinic always held the same outcome. _I'm sorry Arizona; your Beta hCG is zero again this month. _

They had both responded fairly calmly and had come to almost expect a negative response. There had been a few occasions over the six months where frustration had escalated and the unfairness of it all seemed to overwhelm them. It was always randomly triggered of course, like the time Arizona returned from work to see Callie sobbing at the television screen. Apparently the images of chickens being pushed away from where they sat helplessly on unfertilised eggs, were particularly distressing at that time. Not that Arizona's meltdown one morning was any more rational, smashing a coffee mug to the floor when she was unable to clean year old coffee stains from the bottom. Callie had sleepily padded out to find a pyjama clad Arizona crying into her hands and surrounded by shards of porcelain.

And then there were the whispered words in the early hours of the morning, fears and hopes that they kept closely guarded between themselves and the darkened room. They managed though, and they managed on the whole, very well. Only Teddy and Mark were privy to their current struggles, many others presuming they had given up or at least delayed any further attempts at having a child after Callie's second miscarriage. For Arizona, Teddy was an unrelenting support, carefully keeping track of their dates in her own diary so that she could specifically check in and find out how Arizona was doing. And Mark, although not nearly as attentive as Teddy, could be by Callie's side in minutes or at Joe's for a drink with the shortest of notice. Although Callie seldom disclosed, Arizona suspected that on more than one occasion, Mark had protectively held her against his chest as she cried. Randomly, Mark would drape an arm around Arizona's shoulder and let her know that he was taking Sofia for the night; at other times she would find herself holding a coffee that Mark had bought and placed in her hand before disappearing down the hospital corridor.

When it came down to it, they were both just incredible friends to Callie and Arizona. The years had changed them all really; love and loss will do that to you.

"I'm ready Mama!" Sofia's small, soft hand found it way into Arizona's and she felt a distinct tugging of her arm. "You have to tuck me in and then get ready too."

Arizona jolted, her entire body jumping at the sudden interruption to her dissociation into memory lane. "Good job, Sofia," Arizona said softly, blinking to clear her vision, completely unaware that tears had pooled beneath her eyelids. "Do I get a big cuddle before bed?"

Sofia nodded and held her fingers dancing in the air, half jumping into Arizona's arms as she was lifted off the ground. "I can't wait for the park tomorrow."

"Me too," Arizona agreed as she walked towards Sofia's room, tightly holding on to the small Latina with both legs wrapped around her waist and arms tightly gripping her neck. "You have a sleep and have great dreams of playing on the swing and going down the slide."

"Yeah, and playing with a ball."

"Perfect," Arizona said, lowering Sofia to her bed and tucking her in. She leant over and pressed a mass of consecutive kisses to Sofia's cheek. "Sleep well, I love you. I'll be back to check on you in a little bit."

"When you get ready?"

"Yep, when I get ready."

"Kay. Love you too, Mama."

Arizona grinned at her and kissed her forehead, lingering a long glance of admiration at her little girl before padding out of the room. She flicked off the light and pulled the door so that the latch rested but didn't click into place. Checking first that her curry was mildly bubbling, Arizona slipped into her bathroom and freshened up. She reapplied her perfume and retied her hair, straightening her necklace as she stared at her reflection in the mirror. Her eyes seemed bluer than usual and her cheeks naturally pink without a hint of makeup. She was satisfied that even post a day of work, she still looked relatively energised.

Callie was just putting her key in the front door when Arizona returned to the kitchen, having dimmed the light over the dining table and lit a large floor candle in the corner of the room. The flame cast a stunning orange glow over the area, with the flickering dancing shadows around the room. Callie's eyes widened as soon as she entered, a grin settling across her face as she took in the set table and lighting. "Something smells divine," she muttered, dumping her work bag and keys to the floor and walking towards the kitchen.

"I cooked," Arizona declared, smiling.

Callie nodded. "I see that. Really, it smells amazing. What's the occasion?" She immediately searched her mind for any forgotten anniversary or misplaced date but quickly came up empty.

"Do you want to get changed or anything? Or are you ready for dinner?"

"Ah, I'm good. I had a shower at work. What can I do to help? Sofia?"

"Should be sleeping; actually, can you just double check and close her door if she is." Callie nodded, slipping her arms around Arizona's abdomen from behind and hugging her tightly. Arizona rested back, closing her eyes momentarily leaning her face into Callie's kiss.

"Sure," Callie concurred, disappearing for a few seconds before reappearing. "Sound asleep, what did you do; drug her?"

Arizona laughed. "Nope, we just made a deal. Which would mean we're going to the park tomorrow, just so you know."

"You bribed our daughter?"

"A deal. We made a deal." They both chuckled lightly. "How did your afternoon end up? The femur work out okay?"

Callie opened the fridge and withdrew two bottles of still water, opening one and taking a long drink. "Yeah actually, fine. No huge dramas, not sure how his rehab will go. I ended up having to put in a heap of screws and a couple of plates. He's in for the long haul; and hopefully will never go water skiing ever again."

"Ouch. There were a few things happening when I left, I think Teddy was in with a dissection as well and there was talk of a ventilated patient coming in with a bleed." Arizona continued to talk as she moved around the kitchen, plating up the curry and quickly cooking some rice in the microwave. She had made some vegetable filled rice paper rolls with Sofia earlier and she placed them on the table.

Callie nodded and screwed up her nose. "Yep, looked like it was going to be a busy night; I was thrilled to get out of the place. We have, an entire week off. How good is that?"

"Even better, is that we have nothing planned. At all. How unusual for us."

"I'm so keen for a night out, maybe she could get a real babysitter in and go out as a group. A few drinks, some dancing." Arizona noticeably hesitated, hands held stationary in the air as she reached to pick up two dinner plates. "What? Not what you had in mind?" Callie asked, confused. Arizona was usually the first one to want to go out, particularly if it involved a dance floor.

"Ah…" Arizona murmured, turning slowly to see Callie staring at her expectantly. "I tried to catch up with you this afternoon but you were so busy, I didn't get a chance."

"I was in surgery, you know that. Why, what's wrong, Arizona?"

Arizona smiled slightly, reaching up to her face to nervously tuck hair that wasn't loose behind her ears. "Nothing's wrong exactly. I just had a call this afternoon and I just wanted to tell you properly."

"Ohhhh," Callie muttered, face clouding over in recognition. "It's been two weeks. Sorry, I completely…not forgot but yeah, crazy day. You okay?" They had already discussed that after a sixth unsuccessful attempt that they would move to IVF, it just didn't seem worth it to keep trying and although not hugely pressed for time, Arizona was well into her thirties.

Arizona's face neutralised and she opened her mouth to speak but again hesitated, no sound being emitted. Callie took three quick steps forward and enclosed her in a tight hug, not registering when Arizona failed to return the embrace. "I ummm…no, wait," Arizona muttered, shaking her head and pulling back from Callie. Allowing a smile to spread over her face, Arizona quickly reached forward and slipped her hands into Callie's. "The blood tests came back positive; I'm pregnant, Calliope."

Silence.

The first sound that was noticeable beneath the stillness was the slight crackling of the large candle across the room; the wick slowly burning and the wax liquefying.

"Shit." Callie was drawing in deep uneven breaths and her cheeks flushed with heat.

Arizona recoiled, leaning back against the bench with her face staring to contort into a distinct frown. "What?" she asked, her voice low and fearful.

Curling her fingers around Arizona's hands, Callie let her gaze fall as a wide smile spread across her face. "Really?" she questioned, heart pounding in her chest.

Arizona nodded slowly. "Yes, really." Her voice was still quiet and timid.

"I never thought…I mean, I don't think I let myself think…" Callie said, trailing off and raising her eyes to meet Arizona's somewhat fearful expression. "Oh God, sorry. I didn't mean…sorry. I obviously didn't let myself think that this would happen."

Arizona's face visibly relaxed, a long exhalation of air released from her mouth. She hadn't even realised she had been holding her breath. "Me neither," she whispered.

"This is just…this is amazing Arizona. You're pregnant." As if repeating the fact would make it real, make it concrete. "You're really pregnant." Arizona nodded and grinned, dimples finally appearing. In a moment, Callie had Arizona in her arms, tightly held against her body as she lifted her and spun her around on the spot. With a quiet squeal, she gripped to Callie's shoulders, eyes closing at the unusual sensation. "When did they call? I can't believe you didn't tell me," Callie said quickly, lowering Arizona to the ground and kissing her lips excitedly. "You should have told me, paged me anything."

"Oh yeah," Arizona responded. "Just sent you a page that said what? Just found out I'm pregnant, see you after surgery?"

"Fair point. I'm just excited…too excited. Are you not?" Her expression changing, Callie lowered her energy levels and stared at Arizona, hands constantly seeking contact with her skin. She ran her fingers through her blonde hair and down her shoulders, settling on her hips.

Arizona nodded but sighed. "Just trying to keep it all in check too, you know. Just being cautious I guess."

Nodding, Callie said, "Okay. I get that."

"You can be though. I don't want to take that away from you."

Callie shrugged and smiled. "We should have dinner. Right? Just relax for a while, and eat. So, we should have dinner?" she questioned somewhat rhetorically, looked at the food spread between the table and kitchen bench.

"I did cook…" Arizona trailed off, nodding.

For a moment they just stared at each other, a knowing smile on each of their faces. The reality was that they needed to be cautious, needed to protect themselves. But the other side was that they had a chance again; they had the opportunity to build on their family. They had their hands figuratively, on their future, their dream. It was hard to keep the excitement reigned in.

They settled down at the table and ate quietly, murmuring at the competently prepared meal. They tried to idly chat about work and Sofia but it was difficult for them to keep the conversation focussed when all they wanted to do was to discuss the growing embryo that was suddenly in their life. "I didn't ask," Callie eventually said, "what was your hCG?"

"About three hundred…normal for four weeks. There's a massive range."

"When did he say to come in for an ultrasound?"

"At ten weeks is their protocol; he did say we could have one at eight if we wanted." Their history was well documented and although Arizona and Callie had both kept their anxiety levels under control at the clinic, it was understood that they had had a very difficult time. And being a smaller service, the staff had far more opportunity to communicate and support the patients. A psychologist was part of team and although neither of them had made set appointments with her, they had happily chatted on a couple of occasions as Arizona underwent tests and procedures, talking for a moment about their difficulties and concerns.

"Not that different from before, I guess. They're all probably similar." Callie settled forward in her chair, discarding her empty plate to the side and resting her arms on the table. Arizona sought out her hand quickly, entwining their fingers together. Callie tilted her head to the side, trying to interpret her wife's expression. "You doing alright?" she asked lightly.

Arizona smiled and nodded slowly. "I don't mean to not, you know, be all out there."

Laughing quietly, Callie folded her body and allowed her lips to linger softly over the back of Arizona's hand before kissing the skin. "I understand, really, it's so early. But I really want you to know how awesome I think this is. I didn't think it was going to work."

"Awesome, hey?"

"So much so."

"I don't think I thought it was going to work either. I actually dropped the phone after I took the call today, how dramatic is that?"

"You didn't mention anything; you didn't think it was a possibility?" Callie asked quietly. They do a blood test a four weeks, preferring not to have patients constantly doing urine pregnancy tests and holding out constant hope with every period that's a day or two late. It's routine for the clinic and it's aimed at having patients try to go about their lives and not become completely fixated on their cycles and dates. As difficult and near impossible at it is; it helps.

Arizona shrugged. "Nah, I'm a day late. It's nothing. You're right; it's just so incredibly early."

"But Arizona…it's not negative." Her blue eyes sparkled and she swallowed at the lump that suddenly appeared as if from nowhere. Not trusting her voice, Arizona nodded, bowing her head slightly when Callie squeezed her hand. Catching sight of Arizona's glassing eyes, Callie lightened her tone and teased, "You're going to hate me when I start talking to your stomach aren't you?"

**XXXX**

Crawling into bed, Callie scooted closer to where Arizona was lying, curled on her side. Pressing herself tightly against her back, Callie pushed an arm under Arizona's pillow and her other hand affectionately moved over her hip until her fingers could slip under her shirt and splay out over her bare abdomen. "I'm not sure I can sleep," Callie whispered, kissing her shoulder.

"Really? I'm so tired, and ready for our week off," Arizona replied, pressing herself back and into Callie.

"My head is going crazy," she admitted, tossing her head slightly to get her loose brown hair to fall back over her neck.

Reaching a hand under her pillow, Arizona located Callie's wrist and tugged at it, gripping her fingers and tightening the hold Callie had on her. "You seem so happy; I like that I can make you happy." It was an introspective and almost odd statement that emphasised the slight lack of confidence that Arizona occasionally had. It was almost a surprise that she was seeing a distinct elation from Callie and that she was, in many ways, responsible for that. She had always seen it from the other side, the disappointment and feeling or fear that she was letting Callie down.

"I am," Callie responded carefully. "And I can't wait to see you happy too. But I know you're being careful."

"I am though," Arizona rushed to confirm. "But yeah, maybe a little soon for too much excitement."

Considering her next words, Callie again kissed at the nape of Arizona's neck. "It's weird, I feel like this is completely new. It's like when I found out about Sofia…despite the drama, it was as if nothing could go wrong, after I got over the initial freakout and you and I were back together. I just feel nothing like it was last time for me."

"That's good, really good. That's exactly what I want for you, Calliope."

"It feels good," Callie agreed.

"I'm not sure I would have been any different, even without your miscarriages. Too much exposure to Obstetrics over the years."

Callie nodded; she desperately wanted to ask about the Timothy side of things. How Arizona was negotiating the positive pregnancy result and her emotion around the surrogacy. But she hesitated, not because she didn't feel able to or because she didn't want to put ideas in Arizona's head. It was more out of respect. The side of Arizona that she had been exposed to over the last twelve months just made her fall in love all over again. Or fall deeper. The depth, the willingness to open herself up and lay herself on the line; they had gradually become so much more than partners. They had found the balance between being open with each other and still maintaining friendships and trust outside the marriage as well. Instead of stagnating or fracturing; they had actually grown stronger.

Apparently that's what a crisis does, it either adds so much pressure that the broken parts crumble and the relationship dramatically fails or each party steps up and becomes more than they thought they could be. It's philosophical and awfully existential, but it was true. And Callie had come to trust her instincts when it came to Arizona. She had to believe that Arizona would communicate with her when she needed to or that she would know when and what to ask.

It didn't mean she didn't get it wrong; that they didn't get it wrong. But on the whole, where they were was a long way from where they started.

"I love you," Callie whispered suddenly, drawing herself out of the rush of thoughts. "In fact, I am completely _in love_ with you, and still more every day."

Callie felt Arizona move in her arms, and she loosened her hold slightly. Rolling on to her back, Arizona rested her head back against the pillow and stared directly into Callie's eyes. Holding both hands up, she cupped Callie's cheeks and drew her into a long and intense kiss. "Thank you," she murmured, breaking breathlessly apart but still close enough to feel Callie's warm breath on her cheekbone. "I love you and I couldn't do any of this without you. I wouldn't want to do any of this without you; I never thought I would ever want this again."

"But you do?" Callie asked, so close that she could feel Arizona's eyelashes blinking against her face.

Closing her eyes, Arizona nodded. "I do."

**XXXX**

**TBC (Still heaps of parts to go, hopefully I can keep the parts coming a bit more frequently)**

**Thanks for reading.**


	10. Chapter 10

**AN: Heaps of thanks to everyone for your continued interest in this fic. So sorry for the delay in getting this most recent part up, it's been a busy start to the year! But I'm immensely excited to still be getting reviews, author and story alerts! Woohoo! Motivation continues. :-)**

**On with the part…**

**Part 10**

The hastily closed bathroom door, grating into place, drew Callie from a deep sleep. She groaned almost instantaneously into her pillow, sighing at the now familiar sound of vomiting that followed quickly. Or an attempt at the act; it was difficult to have much to regurgitate at seven in the morning. Arizona had been violently ill for the past month or so, once the hormones had kicked into gear around the five week mark. She had constant nausea and was impulsively physically sick multiple times a day. Her blood pressure had dropped to borderline low, so a persistent light headedness also plagued her existence.

And Arizona hated it; with an absolute passion. She had been forced to halt even the quickest and simplistic surgeries to empty her stomach into a hospital vomit bag and already had slumped once into Karev, semi-conscious just after stitching a patient closed. She had tried to struggle into work, but as the news inevitably spread, she had reluctantly taken sick leave, hoping desperately that the weak medication used to treat hyperemesis would have some impact, at least until she made it to twelve weeks when her symptoms would hopefully improve.

Callie waited a few minutes but when Arizona failed to return to their bed and the bathroom became quiet, she rolled to her side and sat momentarily on the edge of the mattress before standing. Walking towards the bathroom, she worked at straightening her camisole; tugging it down her thighs and twisting the bodice so that her breasts were suitably covered. The door was thankfully unlocked, one of Callie's demands after spending five minutes one night urgently working at the handle when Arizona was unresponsive. By the time she resorted to grabbing a screwdriver, ready to remove the handle completely, Arizona had weakly unlocked and opened the door, staring pale faced and apologetically at Callie's panicked expression.

The scene that greeted her inside the room was predictable, with Arizona slumped over the toilet bowl, her own pyjamas looser than usual and hanging off one shoulder. Callie crouched behind her, placing both open palms against Arizona's back, waiting for her to raise her messy blond hair off of the seat, where it hid her face completely. Arizona's body shuddered under her touch though and a fused hiccup and sob echoed through the small room. Callie repositioned herself, kneeling on the cool tiled floor and running a hand over the crown of Arizona's head and down to her neck. "What can I do?" she asked quietly, helplessly.

"Kill me," Arizona muttered into the porcelain bowl, "and put me out of my misery."

"It won't be for much longer, you're almost through the first trimester."

Turning her head to the side, Arizona looked tearfully at Callie. "You know as well as I do that this can last the whole pregnancy."

"Odds are though…" Callie said gently, trailing off.

"Odds are useless unless you fit into the majority. I can't keep doing this." They had had the same conversation at least three times, whenever Arizona was exhausted, dehydrated and completely frustrated with her inability to complete her usual, easy, day to day tasks.

Callie sighed and half smiled; despite Arizona's clear distress, there was something comforting in the persistent pregnancy related nausea. It meant that the pregnancy was continuing; it was viable. The existence of morning sickness, or _all day hell_ as Arizona preferred to label it, was a clear indicator of healthy embryo development. To Callie, it was almost a relief. "You need to be taking Ondansetron more Arizona, otherwise you'll be back in hospital on an IV."

Arizona nodded in response and Callie raised her eyebrows. They had debated it over and over; still, Arizona was cautious. She was happy to take Reglan on a regular basis, but it barely had an impact; she argued that anything that made her drowsy and somewhat hazy couldn't be good for the baby. "You want me to get it?"

"Please," Arizona murmured, rolling her face back into the inside of her elbow, unsuccessfully hiding her tears. In some ways, to Arizona, the constant sickness was messing with her head; her confidence. She had put so much energy into feeling positive about the pregnancy and managing her doubts; but without that focus all the uncertainties and self-deprecating thoughts were returning. She felt again, that she wasn't meant to be a mother; wasn't built to be maternal. That her body was telling her that she was naïve to think that she could manage. She felt as if she wasn't doing it right and that she was making it worse for Callie. There was no evidence to substantiate any of her subjective concerns though and she had kept it ferociously to herself.

"Why don't you go back to bed and I'll get you drugs and a little for breakfast." Arizona raised her head finally and leant back, her face a ghostly grey. Callie sighed inadvertently; Arizona was looking frailer and more defeated with each passing day. They stared weakly at each other, gaze held in prolonged silence. "Need a hand?" Callie eventually asked, rolling back on her feet and standing, palm held out in front of her.

Arizona reached for her gratefully, curling her fingers around Callie's wrist, though her grip had lost its usual tightness. She stood carefully, taking two small steps to press her body into Callie's, her forehead pressing into her brown hair covered shoulder. Her dry lips pursed against Callie's skin, trying to communicate her gratitude for patience without uttering the words. The simple kiss was rough and awkward though, almost grating against the tender nape of Callie's neck. "I've never felt this horrific for this long," Arizona said, feeling compelled to offer an explanation for what she perceived to be another of her inadequacies.

Callie nodded, one arm wrapped around Arizona's shoulders, her hand pressed to the base of her scull. Her other arm was around her wife's lower back, fingers just tapping at her evident hip bone. They stayed that way, motionless for a few moments, until Callie tensed her shoulders and leant back, offering a small smile. "Bed," she instructed and Arizona nodded, gingerly padding her way to the bed and sliding under the covers on Callie's side. "Now, pill or IM?"

Arizona's eyes opened wide before she sighed in relief, she had forgotten that Callie had organised with their Obstetrician for injections as well as tablet form. There had to be some bonuses to their years of medical training. "Do you even have to ask?" Arizona asked, curling on to her side and pulling her knees closer to her chest.

"Fair call, stabby stabby it is. What about food, anything you think you could tolerate?" Arizona screwed up her face and shook her head. It didn't help her of course that at the first sign of nausea she ran a mile from food, just a little in her stomach could make a reasonable difference. Not the perfect cure, as Arizona's mother had insisted when Callie phoned her in a flood of tears. _A nice ginger tea and some saltines; she'll be as good as new._ Not quite. But it did minimally help, especially if she kept nibbling at small bits of crackers and fruit constantly throughout the day. "Come on Arizona, you need to have something."

"Yeah, a trash can to hurl into," Arizona muttered sarcastically, groaning childishly.

"I'll decide then," Callie countered. "Nothing is not an option."

Callie disappeared for just a few minutes, returning with a capped syringe held between her thumb and forefinger. Arizona's eyes flickered only a little, barely reacting to the swift piercing of the skin at her upper arm, the needle pressing into her muscle before Callie pushed the plunger down. "My patients do say that I'm better than the nurses, absolute expert," she said confidently, with a forced cheeriness.

Arizona's lips twitched slightly, holding her heavy eyelids open. "Hey, I'm the one who punctures children…"

"Yeah, through a central line!"

"Are you really going to pick on me, now?"

"Absolutely," Callie said, though she softened her expression and sat gently on the edge of the bed. "I love you, so of course I'm going to pick on you at any opportunity, it's just the way it is," she continued to tease lightly, running the pad of her thumb over Arizona's temple and leaning forward to kiss her cheek.

"Mean," Arizona whispered, though she moved her head slightly to lean into Callie's hand.

"Any further thought about food?"

"Your choice." Arizona closed her eyes again as Callie stood and returned to the kitchen. She fought against another wave of nausea, as it turned her stomach and made her head spin. It was almost like being so unbelievably intoxicated that even lying down, the objects around the room tossed and tipped, spinning around the pulsating walls. She didn't want to move; just the effort to control her breathing through the persistent gagging at the back of her throat was difficult enough. She hadn't really disclosed to Callie that she spent most days at home, curled onto her side and quietly crying. Each time she vomited, more energy was drawn away from her already exhausted body and just the simple act of walking back from the bathroom started to become challenging. She wasn't beyond crawling, or even lying on the bathroom floor dozing with her cheek pressed against the cool tiles. Sometimes she would tug a towel down from the rack and shove it haphazardly under her head, other times she wasn't sure she could even remember getting to the bathroom. She felt ill; unwell…disabled.

She felt completely out of control.

**XXXX**

"Tell me," Callie declared, pulling her key out of the door as she stepped inside, "that our daughter is sound asleep and you have beer, nice cold Neanderthal type beer."

Strolling out from an adjacent room, towel tied around his waist and body still damp, Mark cocked his head to the side. "Things going well over at the Torres-Robbins breeding factory?"

Callie narrowed her eyes and despite a flash of anger that cursed through her, quickly released a genuine laugh. "Bastard. Can you not put clothes on for a visitor?"

"You're not a visitor. And you have a key. Anyone with a key, gets exactly what they deserve."

"You can have your key back if you get dressed and meet me in front of your television for some alcohol fuelled trashy viewing." Callie had already tossed her handbag on the kitchen counter and was crossing the living area to peer into Sofia's bedroom, content to find her sleeping soundly.

Mark nodded, running his hands through his wet hair and shaking it slightly, a few drops falling to his shoulders. "How about, you keep the key since you're the mother of my child and all. And, I'll throw clothes on, just because that's the kind of nice guy that I am."

"You know, the years haven't changed you at all," Callie said strongly, closing Sofia's door and stepping over a few rogue toys as she made her way to the fridge.

Mark pouted and disappeared back into his room, re-emerging thirty seconds later in a pair of loose jeans and a t-shirt. "I think you've insulted me twice in the two minutes you've been here, things mustn't be all sunny in paradise."

"I always insult you Sloan, you're getting sensitive in your old age. Sofia has softened you."

"Awww, my feelings. My poor feelings." Mark was happily bantering with Callie really, waiting for the tirade of frustration that was clearly being carried in her tense shoulders and rhythmically clenching teeth.

"How about, I stay here with Sofia and you go to my place and take care of Arizona, just for another three weeks until, if there's a God, her hyperemesis disappears." Callie had a packet of potato chips gripped between her teeth, and held two beers in each hand, secured between her fingers by the neck of the bottles. She placed them heavily on the coffee table and emphatically dropped herself onto the sofa.

"Not a bloody chance, Robbins would eat me alive. What would I do? Rub her feet?" Mark picked up the remote control from next to the television and flicked it on as he slumped down next to Callie.

"She hates having her feet touched, mostly anyway. You could hold her hair back when she pukes for the tenth time that day. If I never see vomit again…" Callie trailed off, rubbing the base of her palms against her forehead.

"It's that bad?"

"Worse. You know, I've heard about it, studied it even. In fact, I remember cousin Liliana spending her entire pregnancy in hospital. But for crying out loud, can we not cut a break?"

Mark used his shirt to open a beer, handing to Callie with a look of helplessness. "And from what I hear, Robbins isn't a five star patient."

Callie rolled her eyes heavily. "Can't blame her," she rebutted quickly, an urge to defend her wife paramount. "Some days it's like she can hardly move and she just looks at me, as if she can't believe she's in this position. She's miserable, Mark."

"Of course she's miserable, she's probably feeling half dead."

"At least she's started taking something decent, doesn't throw up twenty times a day now; just ten. But she still can't work properly, she's only done a few days in the past six weeks."

"And, I probably should point out. She's not much use when she is at work. A hindrance I've heard…but don't shoot the messenger." Mark smiled and held his hands in the air. Teddy and Mark were receiving most of the questions about Arizona, generally just concerned staff that were insightful enough not to hassle Callie. But the definite theme was that Arizona shouldn't be pushing herself to work, she was no use in the operating room, bent at the waist or slumped in a corner, with her face pushed into a vomit bag.

"Oh I know," Callie agreed, nodding her head eagerly. She rested her drink momentarily, opening the large bag of salt and vinegar chips and placing it between them on the chair. Taking a handful, Callie leaned back again, tipping the beer to her lips and taking a long gulp. "But what can I do? When she can actually get out of bed, she wants to go to work. I can hardly say no."

"Well, better you than the Chief."

"Crap." Callie exhaled loudly, staring at Mark and shaking her head before shoving a few chips into her mouth. "You have no idea Mark, she is so sick."

"It won't last forever."

They sat in silence for a few minutes, both staring at a black and white movie on the television, though they couldn't hear the dialogue and had no concept of the storyline. "I feel like I made her do this," Callie said softly, trying to draw her mind back to the present.

Mark nodded slowly. "Just because she's miserable and probably hating the entire world right now, doesn't mean she doesn't want this."

"I'm a bitch though; all I can think is that this is amazing. That she's pregnant and so incredibly sick…it relaxes me that she's sick. How cruel is that?"

Smiling, Mark shrugged. "Yeah, see I get where you're coming from. Still, I'm not sure I would share that with Robbins right now. She may stab you with a kitchen knife."

"Or beat me to death with a rolling pin."

"Probably unlikely if you think about it, she would have to stop to barf in the middle of trying to kill you."

They laughed and Callie felt her body release the tension she had been holding for weeks. Such a short and simple conversation to have, yet it brought some normality. It was enough to remind her that this was all temporary, there was light, so to speak, at the end of the tunnel.

**XXXX**

Arizona had spent the last three hours lying on the sofa in front of the television. She had watched half a movie before losing tolerance for Hugh Grant and his predictable humour, despite a usual quiet enjoyment for his range of romantic comedies. The television however, was proving just as lacking in interesting material, having been left to choose between a fifties black and white film and constant reruns of the entire fourth season of Lost. She settled for Lost, impatiently waiting for Callie to return from her time out at Mark's.

Callie had insisted that she was just going to check on Sofia, make sure all was well in the Sloan household. But Arizona was far from stupid, knowing that Callie was taking some distance when she left after seven, right in the middle of Sofia's bedtime. Not to mention that Sofia had only been at Mark's for one night, hardly a lengthy period of time.

And Arizona was actually having a reasonable evening, she had managed to eat a piece of toast and a camomile tea, and still her stomach felt somewhat settled. She was bored. And she missed Callie.

Even when she was feeling incredibly sick, she liked knowing that Callie was in the next room, quietly reading or working on her laptop. It made her feel safe and protected. But when she had brief moments where she wasn't feeling completely fatigued, she wanted to spend them with her wife. She liked to catch up on the news from work or stories about Sofia, and have a conversation that wasn't cut short because she needed to throw up.

It had all felt a little odd since they had achieved a pregnancy, after all of the appointments and treatments they had both been through. The amount of time that they had spent, just the two of them, was incredible. They had always been so careful to do as much as they could together, to make the conception they were attempting to obtain, something that they were both a part of. Starting with Callie's fertility treatments and subsequent inevitable miscarriages, they were always together. Even when their communication was low or they were seemingly on parallel wavelengths, physically, they were together.

Arizona's final insemination was no different; they had both been at the clinic with Callie unflinching at the death grip Arizona formed around her hand. It didn't matter how many times she had experienced the same procedure, legs in the stirrups and sheet draped across her thighs and hips, she had to still be reminded to force herself to relax and breathe. _Calm Arizona, remember? It's worse if you tense._

Arizona would frustratingly sigh, offering a small insightful laugh, knowing she was being ridiculous. Slowly, after a few attempts, Callie had established a strategy for distracting Arizona. She would turn Arizona's face to her and keep one hand wrapped around her jaw, her thumb stroking slowly and rhythmically over the hollow of her cheek. Once their gaze was held, Callie would quietly and calmly talk, about anything and everything that came to mind. And when Arizona would predictably close her eyes and clench her teeth, she would halt and lean forward to hover of Arizona's ear. _Look at me Arizona; you need to look at me. I'm telling you a story about Sofia and how much she loves her Mama…_ It was all it took to have Arizona offer a tiny smile and open her eyes, occasionally pooled with tears but immediately focussed on Callie.

Sometimes, Arizona thought she hated it all more than Callie. She was more resentful of the hand they had been dealt, the obstacles they had to constantly overcome. Callie was used to being upset and angry; and then as quickly as the feeling came, it was gone. The emotion was wasted energy when they just needed to focus on the next thing, the next obstacle that would get them closer to their dream. All the time, Arizona was still quietly fuming.

Carefully drawing herself to her feet, Arizona cautiously walked across the room and into the kitchen, taking an open box of salted crackers from the pantry and refilling her glass of water. She stood still momentarily, testing her nausea and balance. Content that she wasn't going to suddenly need to race to the bathroom, she went back to the sofa and settled on to her side, occasionally eating a small cracker as she watched an episode. She continued to force the thoughts and memories away, that played havoc with her mind as she waited for Callie to get home. A few times she reached for her phone to text her, but quickly put it down again. Callie deserved a few hours of relaxation and healthy company; she had really been unwavering in her patience.

Still, she breathed sigh of relief when she heard keys in the door, tipping her head to look over the arm of the lounge as Callie walked in. "Hey," she said first, catching Callie by surprise.

"Hey, yourself," Callie responded, keys and handbag dropped to the floor beside the chair. "You're not in bed, which has to be a good thing." She felt in a good mood after her visit to Mark's, the slight buzz of two beers having worn off, leaving her calm and relaxed.

"No," Arizona answered softly. "I'm out of bed and stringing sentences together. A miracle, right?"

"The magic of drugs," Callie said. She nodded her head, guiding Arizona to lift her shoulders as threw one cushion to the floor and placed the other one on her lap, allowing Arizona to settle comfortably over her legs.

"Mmmm, and some food. Seems to last longer if I actually eat."

"Really?" Callie teased, planting her heels on the coffee table. "Who knew?"

Arizona rolled her eyes. "Anyway, how was Mark's."

"Yeah, good. Sofia is all settled; sound asleep when I arrived, so behaving for Daddy."

"And did Mark have a chilled beer for you?"

Callie hesitated, halting her fingertips at Arizona's forehead as she tried to read her wife's expression. "Ummm, yeah I guess. Just one or two."

Smiling, Arizona reached for Callie's hand and hugged it to her chest. "Don't look so stressed, it's fine. You can just tell me you know…when you need some time out. I know I'm no fun right now."

"Oh you're always fun Arizona," Callie replied, laughing in relief at Arizona's more carefree frame of mind. "I don't know what you're possibly referring to."

"Ha ha, very funny. Just enjoy this while it lasts, for the first time in weeks, I don't have the constant urge to kill myself. Or one of the first times, anyway."

"It's been pretty crappy, hey?"

Arizona exhaled heavily. "Just a little. Sorry, I haven't been very nice to live with, have I?"

Callie smiled and rolled her eyes. "Come on, as if I don't have a whole world of tolerance right now. You, are amazing," she emphasised, eyes wide.

With a small swell of emotion, Arizona seemed to lighten under the easy words. Momentarily, she didn't feel like a burden or yet another failure. "Thank you," she said softly. "Calliope."

Grinning, Callie tugged slightly on her arm, where Arizona still had it held securely between both of her hands. "I haven't heard you call me that in forever."

"Forever?"

"Well, maybe not forever, but a little while. I like it."

Arizona curled closer into Callie's body, her nose just lightly brushing against Callie's covered naval. "Me too."

"Can I do anything whilst you're feeling okay? Something else to eat? Warm bath?"

Arizona shook her head. "Nah, I'm munching on Saltines and they're treating me well."

"Nothing else?"

"No thanks, I'm good here as long as you're staying. I kind of missed you tonight."

"You should have called. I could have brought home some dinner or something."

Arizona shrugged, Callie had only been at Mark's for just over two hours, and she hardly deserved a guilt trip for that. Rolling back over and releasing Callie's arm, Arizona watched a few minutes of television. She took another cracker and nibbled on it slowly. "Do you know it's only three days until we have a scan?" she asked quietly as the advertisements started.

Callie nodded, randomly trailing of her fingertips over Arizona's back. "Yep. Can't wait." It seemed almost forced enthusiasm, but it was genuine. Callie was excited to hear the heartbeat and view the tiny, forming embryo with its visible arms and legs.

Arizona seemed to hesitate slightly. "You're not nervous?"

"No," Callie answered confidently, slipping one open palm around Arizona's hip and across her abdomen. The other squeezed at her shoulder. "Maybe I should be, more. But I'm not really, just excited. You're anxious?"

With her face flushing slightly, Arizona swallowed heavily. "No, not crazy anxious, but a little. You know that the morning sickness, constant or not, is a good sign, right?"

Callie smiled, grateful that Arizona couldn't observe her reaction. "Yeah, I know. As much as I hate how sick you are of course, but it is kind of comforting."

"I hope everything is okay."

Nodding slowly, Callie stroked at the bare skin of Arizona's stomach. It hadn't swollen at all yet, and with her weight loss, she definitely didn't look pregnant. Yet there was something about knowing that there was a tiny forming human, tucked deep inside. "It'll feel easier when we get past this scan, Arizona. This is the hurdle; everything will feel safer after Monday."

"It's only the ten week scan though, still a couple of weeks before the stats change." Arizona was so hesitant; still frightened that she was still going to let Callie down.

"Stats are full of crap. Since when have we followed any statistic?"

"Fair point…but still…"

"I know Arizona, I know. But you; you're doing everything you can. We've done everything we can to make this work out."

"I realise I'm being negative again," Arizona said softly, her expression sheepish.

Callie shook her head, motioning for Arizona to roll on to her back. "We've had this conversation," Callie said gently. "We don't sugarcoat anymore, remember? We say it as it is." She smiled and Arizona rolled her eyes, she had heard the lecture before. "Now however, I think it's time to start talking to this baby, let her know who's boss."

"Her?"

"Let's go with _her_, until we're told otherwise. I don't cope very well with _it_."

Arizona offered her a soft laugh, tolerating if not advocating for the clear effort Callie was putting in. "Sure."

"Right, so, little growing embryo in there," Callie started light heartedly, bending slightly and talking directly to Arizona's abdomen. "There will be no causing trouble next week alright, it's time to get on with things, start getting rid of tails and gills and all that Darwinism, adaptation crap."

"Which hopefully has happened by now, unless we're growing a dolphin," Arizona offered, earning a deliberate and sarcastic stare.

"See, your Mama is the expert but let's not let the truth get in the way of a good story. Although, the image of Mama giving birth to a tailed mammal is a fairly amusing sight, it's not quite what we're after. Right, where was I? Yes, you make sure that everything is sorted on Monday and while you're at it, perhaps you could lay up a little, let Mama keep her breakfast down once or twice. What do you think? Deal?"

"I'm concerned," Arizona said, finally releasing a genuine chuckle. "That you might be expecting a response."

"No way, we've got a telepathic communication happening. I'm just being an idiot, but I did get to see you smile." Callie grinned, changing her posture to lightly kiss Arizona's lips.

"Surely there's an easier way to get me to smile?" Arizona teased.

Shrugging, Callie muttered, "Yeah, but running naked down the street is generally frowned upon."

"Mmmm, generally. But that would make me laugh too," Arizona responded, laughing lightly.

"I am so glad that you've had just a few hours of feeling okay," Callie said, her voice suddenly serious. "I've been worried about you." Arizona's expression faded and she met Callie's concerned gaze. Nodding slowly, Arizona licked her lips and opened her mouth to speak but quickly hesitated. "What?" Callie questioned.

Arizona blinked quickly and felt Callie's hands on her, one entwining through her disordered blonde curls and the other coming to rest on her sternum. "I was just going to ask you, to tell me that everything is going to be okay."

Callie sighed heavily and swallowed against the lump that appeared spontaneously in her throat. She wanted nothing more than to allay Arizona's fears, to tell her over and over that life always works out. But it doesn't and they gave up making promises to each other, which they couldn't possibly keep, a long time ago. "I would if I could."

"I know, that's why I stopped. It was cruel."

"What if I promise that _we'll_ always be okay. Does that help?" Callie asked with a small smile, earning a nod from Arizona in response.

"It'll do," she whispered, again taking Callie's hand at her chest and hugging it tightly. "It'll do."

**XXXX**

**TBC….**


	11. Final

**AN: **So, I've come to writing the final part. Or rather, more of an epilogue I suppose. Thanks heaps for sticking with me through this longer fic, I've had a ball writing it. Your reviews have been great and I hope you've enjoyed reading it, which is what it's all about. There's space for a continuation, and I'll leave that open for the moment. I have ideas…I always have ideas, so we'll see what I come up with! :-)

* * *

><p><strong>XXXX<strong>

_With the ultrasound probe pressed flush against her lower abdomen, Arizona was focussed solely on the inside of her eyelids. Her eyes were squeezed shut, the skin over her temples tightened and her teeth clamped shut. In comparison, Callie's eyes were wide and fixated on the screen, two hands awkwardly running over Arizona's arm and shoulder. The movement held no pattern and it was far from soothing, anxiety exuding from her fingertips. _

_Their breathing was chorused, almost symbiotically strained and fearful. The technician hurried her processes. _

_A heartbeat pulsed through the small, distorting speakers._

_An expletive rolled off Callie's tongue and she hung her head, fighting the rush of emotion that seemed to tumble up her spine and through her chest. She rushed to exhale deeply, panting as if from exertion. Arizona pushed her shoulders off the table and with her elbows back, stared open mouthed at the monitor. Her eyes were a stark contrast from just a few moments earlier._

_In the moment, there was no excitement. Only relief._

_And the technicalities felt as if they took forever, measurements and seemingly random keyboard tapping. Arizona kept a fistful of Callie's shirt in her hand, holding her tightly against the side of the loosely termed bed. Callie wiped a tear away every few moments, trying to catch them before they tracked down her cheeks. They were desperately impatient, overwhelmed with the desire to rush into each others arms and although usually pedantic about details, they cared little for whether their calculations differed by a day or two. _

_There was a sense blanketing over them, which sang of hope and promise; a feeling that everything had been worth the anguish; the fight. Would they have survived another negative; another tragedy? The words had spoken with each other implied a thousand yeses; yet the hurt and the guilt that clouded their eyes and depressed their shoulders seemed a resounding no. _

_Yet the moment that they could slip into each others arms brought them so much more than a shared comfort. They pressed their bodies together tightly so that in similarly toned blue shirts, it was impossible to distinguish where they separated. They sobbed into each others shoulders, noses and cheeks firmly in the nape of their necks. Callie had both hands pressed to back of Arizona's head, pieces of hair caught and twisted around her fingers. _

_Arizona had her arms wrapped around Callie's waist, joined behind her lower back in an unrelenting grip. Her shoulders trembled; their shoulders trembled. "Thank fuck for that," Callie gasped between slowing shudders._

_A giggle emanated from the body in her arms as Arizona turned her head slightly and tapped her forehead to Callie's jaw line. "Could not agree more."_

**XXXX**

"Calliope, if I don't make it to the hospital, I am going to personally kill you. Do you understand?" Arizona muttered through gritted teeth, knuckles turning white where they gripped at the kitchen bench. "I will shove a sharp instrument through your eyeballs and then strangle you to death."

"Yes Arizona," Callie responded calmly, voice monotone. "You can kill me with your bare hands just as soon as you give birth."

"Here's an idea, how about we drop Sofia off and go to the hospital, I am not delivering on our lounge room floor."

Callie chuckled lightly. "In process Arizona, can't make it happen any quicker. I've got your bag, which by the way, would have been good if you had actually had it packed you know."

"I'm early! I'm not meant to be in labour yet."

"Tell that your contracting uterus sweetie."

Arizona scowled, straightening up as her most recent contraction faded. Her face relaxed momentarily and she took the small, hastily packed bag off Callie and draped it over her shoulder. "Granted, I probably shouldn't have left it until thirty seven weeks to pack a few things, but at least I actually bought what we need."

"And…"

Again, Arizona curled her lips in anger, though it was fairly innocuous. "And I shouldn't have mistook labour for Braxton Hicks."

Callie smiled and nodded, leaning forward and placing a chaste kiss on her flushed cheek. "I'll get Sofia, try and keep her asleep then we'll be at the hospital in fifteen minutes."

And they were at the hospital, exactly fourteen minutes and two contractions later. Arizona had mildly tolerated Sofia's excited babbling, from the second she woke up being put in her car seat. They had chosen not to find out the baby's gender, despite multiple scans. It had taken considerable effort really, to not take notice or look for the gender and a particular request that the sonagraph pictures reflect their wish not to find out. Consequently, Sofia spent the short car ride excitably asking how long it would be before she could see her baby brother or sister. She wasn't particularly patient, not surprisingly, and a vague _very soon_ didn't quite cut her inquisitive and already intelligent mind. Never the less, she was collected from the car by Teddy when Callie pulled up outside her house. Mark would pick her up later on that night when he finished his shift at the hospital.

Pulling up in a back carpark, Callie hurried to put the car in park and rush around to the passenger side as Arizona's face contorted with another painful and contraction. Halting her grimace momentarily, a brief look of horror crossed her vision before recognition settled. "My waters just broke," she said through uneven breaths, fingers fumbling to gather the wet skirt at her lap.

"Of course they did," Callie muttered, adrenalin accelerating her heart rate as she glanced around for a stray wheelchair. "Birth suite isn't far to get to, you think you can walk?"

Arizona released a long, low groan, trying to draw in breaths in a way that remotely resembled the antenatal practise session. She shook her head though, trying to rid herself of the _I can't do this_ message running on repeat around her mind. "I feel like pushing."

"Like bloody hell you're pushing here," Callie answered quickly, voice rising in a gradually developing panic. "We need to get you inside Arizona, we'll get you inside and you can push."

Arizona nodded, almost obediently, feeling the slight lag of a contraction though fully aware of her rapidly progressing labour and impending delivery. Tears glistened in her eyes as she allowed Callie to move her legs so she sat half out the car door, hair starting to matt against the sweat on her forehead. Somewhere in her pregnancy she had moved past the heightened anxiety and became more relaxed, laid back. Once the hyperemisis settled just before the thirteenth week and they had consecutive scans that showed a normal, progressing pregnancy, Arizona had simply settled. It seemed to Callie to happen overnight, but it was a gradual process really. It's just the change over a relatively short space of time was so remarkable. And the last trimester, they had come to thoroughly enjoy the pregnancy. They focussed on preparing the nursery, painting the walls and stocking gender neutral clothing and baby supplies in the closet. They spent quiet nights at home, reading stories to Sofia and singing songs together to Arizona's swelled abdomen. Sofia delighted in talking to her Mama's belly, telling in explicit detail every event from her day, whether she had spent the time at home or at day care.

Late at night, Callie and Arizona would lie quietly in bed, still tossing around baby names and talking through the occasional apprehension. They relished the last couple of weeks when Arizona started her maternity leave, unable to work to close to delivery given the nature of her job.

"_Are you going to be nice to me when you're in labour?"_

"_Not a chance, I'm going to swear and yell and pierce your skin with my nails."_

"_Maybe we should have scheduled a caesarean…" The grin on Callie's face betrayed her teasing._

She hadn't quite sworn or screamed, but right now, fingers tightly curled around Callie's forearms, Arizona was definitely breaking skin with her fingernails. "Ready to stand?" Callie asked, gently coercing with a slight tug.

"No." Arizona's voice was slightly pitiful, the fire having subsided in the ebb. Still, she struggled to slide to the edge of the seat and into a standing position. Another gush of fluid rushed down her legs and she groaned at the sensation, using Callie's arms with a vice grip, to support her weight.

"So much for being overdue Arizona," Callie joked gently, struggling to manoeuvre herself to hoist the bag over her back, lock the car and pocket the keys.

"_I'll go late you know; the first pregnancy always goes over."_

"_What medical journal did you read that in?"_

"_Ah, my mother's advice?"_

Suddenly dropping her forehead to Callie's shoulder, Arizona cried out, stepping her feet out to stretch her back. She was louder now, content in the knowledge that Sofia wasn't watching with wide, fearful eyes. "I can feel it," she added, shaking her head as if trying to ward away the undeniable and instinctual urge to aid the process.

"Okay…okay," Callie responded, again glancing around. She had phoned ahead and they were expecting them, aware that Arizona was in a heavily progressed stage of labour. It was a small hospital, though with a busy private maternity service, they certainly wouldn't be awaiting their arrival outside. "Just do the breathing thing, and as soon as you can we're making straight for that door. Right?"

She earned only a pained grunt in response, but seconds later, Arizona was taking steps toward the double doors that Callie had indicated to. "This wasn't quite the water birth you were after," Arizona panted, managing to offer a half smile to a clearly stressed Callie.

_Piles of brochures and fact sheets surrounded Callie on the bed, where she sat cross legged facing Arizona, propped upright by three thick pillows. "So, home birth is out."_

"_God yes, I want every medical specialist possible in at least close vicinity._

"_Absolutely, I agree. We wouldn't have Sofia if it weren't for specialists, you and Addie. So, I'm guessing a water birth surrounded by a specially made mixed CD isn't up your ally?"_

"_How bloody clichéd."_

"_They say water births are less painful."_

"_I'm not giving birth to a freakin' orca, Calliope." _

"_But we like the water…"_

"_Not a chance in hell."_

"In my defence, I wasn't that into it either. Maybe just being at hospital would have been good though," Callie answered, holding the door open with one arm and keeping the other wrapped around Arizona, supporting her wavering strength.

They caught the attention of staff with both their sudden entrance and Arizona's whimpering presentation. Nurses came running and someone pressed a button that elicited a piercing beeping sound for a few seconds; it only took a minute for Arizona to be on a bed with a few scrubbed personnel bustling around her. As they hurriedly removed her clothing, Arizona turned to Callie, face contorting, she pleaded, "Let me push."

Staff stumbled to get into position, quickly offering words of encouragement that fell largely on deaf ears. Callie nodded, raking her hands through Arizona's loosely tied hair, trying to brush the wet strands off her face. Her entire body tensed as her hands gripped at the side of the mattress, eyes glazed over.

Their Obstetrician was gently stating commands, but the words were lost on Arizona. "Wait Arizona," Callie communicated, peering between Arizona's legs and taking instruction from the Doctor. "Just wait until the next contraction."

Arizona nodded, licking her lips and swallowing heavily. "Is everything okay?" she asked, slightly dazed and disorientated.

"I can see the head," she whispered in response, lips pursed briefly against the corner of Arizona's eye.

The next contraction quickly took their attention and Arizona was being told to _push_ from the four people in the room.

"_Wonder if our tiny human will have dark or light hair?"_

"_Either is good…"_

A piercing cry sounded through the room amongst the contained chaos and the entire scene played out as if Callie and Arizona were witnessing something external. Callie was cutting the cord and tearfully placing the squawking, bloodied infant onto Arizona's chest before she could really comprehend was she was doing. Arizona stared in amazement at the curled up, wrinkled baby nestled between her breasts, just a few short tufts of light hair visible beneath the membrane particles.

Callie was squatting next to the bed, one hand joined with Arizona's over the newborn's back and the other, still open palmed against the crown of Arizona's head. "You did it Arizona, look. We have another baby girl."

Nodding in awe, Arizona drew her eyes ever so briefly away from infant. "She's okay?" she asked, reaching out with her fingertips to tap at Callie's wet cheeks.

"Perfect." They both heard the Doctor's assurances, resettling back at the base of the bed for the placental delivery.

Arizona nodded and smiled, her eyes hazy yet dry. "We have a baby girl," she whispered.

"We have a baby," Callie repeated, in equal wonder. It had all been worth it, every single piece; every moment. Every shard of glass that had pierced them until they were exposed, raw and broken; it all led to that moment of completeness. Of unconditional love.

Who wouldn't bare a thousand wounds for that moment; for that one solitary moment?

_Fin._


End file.
